Thursday, December 31, 2009

Drama

Well apparently my SIL hates me she never wants to see me again oh and this is the best, she thinks I am an ungrateful person plus she feels bad for her brother having to be married to me. LOL. Oh and I am not joking about this.

I say apparently because I wasn't home when she said those things because I refused to come home while she was over here. She decided that she was going to sleep over at our house uninvited. I don't do uninvited guest specially when 4 other people who were invited are sleeping here.

So here are my thoughts about all of this, first I am a really grateful person I give thanks about 100 times a day and I make sure if anyone does anything nice to/for me that I let them know how much it means to me, second wow if she feels bad that Jon married me, now I really know how she feels about me which in return she probably regrets that we had a child together, so sad.

My life goes on and I guess she just will not be a part of mine and my child.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

Changes

I will be making some changes to the blog. Does anyone know of any cool websites where I can get a cool template? Last night I spend like 2 hours searching with no luck. I have already changed my blog title and now I am just trying to figure out what my new blogspot address will be. Once I have that figured out I will again go public. I have the email of the few of you who actually read my blog so once I change it I will let you know what it will be. As of right now I am thinking that its going to be thedazzlingdoulas.blogspot.com. The hubby came up with that one but I am not 100% for it. If you guys have any ideas let me know too.

More Christmas

I just loved Christmas this year. Can you tell I was excited about being able to decorate my own tree this year. I must have taken like 20 pictures of the tree. I'm crazy and weird like that.



This is a nativity scene I got years and years ago maybe like 6 years ago my mom gave it to me for one day when I had my own family. Since that day I have never taken it out of it package till this Christmas. It was funny because Jon saw it and told me that I needed to paint it, I had to laugh, he doesn't get it that its supposed to be white.





Since I got married I have been wanting a stand mixer. I think everyone that knows me knows how much I want one. I LOVE baking, if it were up to me I would bake every day but that gets kinda crazy plus I would be over 200 pounds in no time. I have never gotten one because they are kind of pricey. This year is the first year since we got married that we decided we were going to get each other gifts. My husband is so sweet and said that he just had to go get me the stand mixer, he was afraid that I wouldn't like it because it was a KitchenAid but I love it. I cannot wait to use it, its going to make it so much easier to make cookies and cakes.

Friday, December 25, 2009

HO HO HO! Merry Christmas!



This year for the first time since being married we spend it in Utah just by ourselves. I don't think my husband enjoyed it as much as I did. I loved it though, we got to start our own little traditions and I got to decorate my own tree. It looks so pretty that I do not want to take it down. I think I am going to keep it up all thru January.

Last night we opened our first gift which were pajamas, Jon, baby and I all got green pajamas. Baby looks so cute. Then this morning we went down stairs and baby was just loving all the presents under the tree. Right away he went for them. He even helped open some of them up. I think his favorite gifts are what daddy got him which is a walker/bike and the wooden blocks my parents got him. My husband surprised me with a stand mixer, I have been wanting one since we got married and finally I got one, yay! It will come in handy since I love baking. I have a feeling I am going to be making even more cakes this year.

The hubby is now down stairs cooking, isn't he great? Once dinner is ready we are taking everything to my cousins house for our Christmas dinner. Of course we have to go over there to show off baby and his new Christmas outfit that Nana got him. He just looks too cute.

Christmas has always been one of my favorite holidays and not because of the gifts you get but just the whole warm feeling you get around this time of year but this year has just been super specially since it is the first Christmas that we are now a family of 3. I love out little family. Life really does not get better than this. Come what may come at the end of the day I am one lucky girl to have such an amazing husband and just the most perfect baby.

I hope everyone has an amazing day! Merry Christmas!

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Philly

I just love Philly. I have such good memories of Philadelphia. I got to go for almost 2 weeks and I really didn't do much but just hang out with my family. They absolutely love the baby but I mean who wouldn't. In going back thru all the pictures I was sad to find that I am not in very many most of them are of baby or he is in all of them. I only got one where he is not in it. The whole time I was there it was raining and just yucky so I didn't get to go into the city like I had wanted to so on my last day I asked my dad to please take me to the stadiums and so off we went not knowing that we were going to freeze. It was incredibly cold. We actually were not able to walk around just drive around and hop out of the car at spots we wanted to take pictures.

My parents are moving out of my childhood home so it was kinda sad going back knowing that this was going to be the last time I would ever be inside that house. I always get so sad when I have to come back since being back home is just so stress free and I have tons of help with the baby and I get treated like a baby too. I miss my family terribly, hopefully some day I will be able to have them close by.

Ok so here is proof that I really was in Philly.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Life is hard

It really is and I think that most of the time at least for me it's easier to look at the negative things going on around than the positive. I really need to make an effort to look at the good things going on in my life.

The other day I was in the middle of writing some depressing post and got to talking with a cousin and she made me realize that even though we are going thru some hard times we are pretty lucky. I do have a healthy, beautiful baby boy, my husband adores me and we are both healthy too. Everything else will fall into place sooner or later. So I just need to have patience.

Once we get out of this house I know I will feel a whole lot better knowing that our money is going to last longer.

I had to go private

My blog at first was a way of keeping a journal of our family but since baby was born no one is really interested in what is going on in our lives just what is going on in baby's life which I totally understand. So I decided to make a blog for baby and make it private since I don't want strangers knowing what is going on in the life of my baby. Since I did that I decided that this blog could be a way for me to express my feelings and emotions and what goes on in my life. I think that as a human being I should be allowed to feel whatever way I want to feel and if I want to write about it then I should do so. Some people clearly do not think like me.

A few weeks ago some of my husbands family or should I say one person came across my blog and realized that some of the things I had posted about were about this one person even though I never mentioned names but they are not dumb so they decided to tell other family members about things I had posted but took things way out of context. Now you might ask yourself how do I know this, well let me explain. It was a Sunday and I get a call from my MIL and she tells me to please not to talk about any of their problems on my blog, ok I understand that but I haven't really posted anything about their problems. At the time I didn't think much about it I just told my husband that it was weird that she had said that to me but whatever. Then we get home and look at our email and we have an email from my husbands aunt, she is totally worried and upset because she heard that Jon had said that he hated his life. Now if she had really read my blog she would have known how that whole story went. So this is where I start thinking that someone is calling the family and telling them things I am writing but not the whole story. My husband freaks out because he isn't sure of what I have been writing on my blog and he heads on over to it and reads it and he doesn't really find a problem with it but can see how that one person might have gotten upset and called around to get people to be mad at me or something. He tells me right away to stop blogging or make it private cause I am going to cause issues in that family. I was so mad but I have done what my husband asked of me.

I didn't talk about it to my husband much since shortly after that I left for Philadelphia and just barely got back but since being back I talked to him and told him how my blog is a way of me writing my thoughts and that I should be allowed to do whatever I want to do with them. He now totally understands me so for now I will stay private but in a month or so I will just change my URL and other things on it so that no one can find me.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

update

HAPPY THANKSGIVING! We got to go to my cousins house for dinner and it was yummy. She had 2 turkeys one was baked and the other was fried. Plus there were tons of side dishes. I think I might have some left overs in a little bit they were so yummy. I am so thankful to my cousin and for how sweet and giving she is. I love living near her. I tell my husband all the time that I don't think I can leave Ogden just because she lives nearby.

I wasn't able to post the other day but tonight I got baby down already and hubby is cleaning the kitchen. What a great guy I have.

I have a few updates so here it goes:

-I took my US citizenship test and passed it, YAY! I posted about this on facebook and people were confused, some thought I was born here, others thought I already was one and then others thought that I married my husband for a green card. Hahaha! First of I was not born here I was born in Costa Rica. Second of all I did NOT marry my husband for a green card. When I married my husband I had been a permanent resident for about 10 years, so I was legal, people. My dad and my siblings are all US citizens so I was the only one left with my mom (my mom failed the test since her english is not good). I had been putting it off for years and I don't really know why, I'm just weird like that how many people would die to be able to become a US citizen but finally my green card was expiring so I figured it was time. I still am not a US citizen but I will be as of January 6th, 2010 and I am super excited about being able to get a US passport. Also exciting is that when you apply for citizenship you can change your name to anything you want and I chose to finally change my last name to my husbands last name legally. A lot of people think I am a Doulas legally already but I am not I just go by it and sign things as Doulas but legally I still have my maiden name.

-Our heater broke about a week ago and this totally blows since we do not have the money to get it fixed. Thank goodness for space heaters which have been keeping us nice and cozy. I try to not be at home during the day since everywhere else other than our bedroom is freezing. Since it is freezing everywhere else the house is a mess because I do not feel like cleaning or doing anything inside the house. Oh and to top it off we call our property manager and when he checked it out he tells us it was our fault for not changing the filter which we didn't even know it existed. I don't understand why it is that if you are renting a house why do they not tell you where everything is at when you move in. We had changed a filter and thought that was the one but I guess it wasn't. That's why we have to pay to get it fixed. It really sucks not having money to pay for simple things and then to have this happen, ahhhh!

-I have been a little depressed because it seems my husband works all the time and we just cannot get out of this hole we are in. Me working is out of the question since by the time we are done paying a babysitter and gas there is no money left from me working. A lot of changes will be happening in the next few months for us as we try to down size. We really have been living for a while like we had tons of money when we really didn't. My husband has really tried to spoil my in so many ways and now we can no longer do this. It's sad to have to give up the nice things but that's life and we have to do what we have to do to be able to survive.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

update on the quick

I know, I know, I said I would be doing the grateful thing every day but I am a little depressed and I just have not been able to see the good in things going on. AHHH!!! Life is just so crazy and scary. I don't have time right now to update on everything but I will hopefully feel better by the end of today and update on what has been going on.

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Day 11...

I am grateful for our good neighbors. Out of everywhere that I have lived this is the only place where we have had such nice neighbors. They are friendly, nice, helpful, giving and many more things. Specially our neighbor James he is just awesome. Whenever I have gotten locked out of the house he has helped or if we need to borrow anything for our lawn he lends it to us. When we first moved in there was a neighbor who went around the whole block cleaning the snow off the sidewalks and driveways. I mean I really have never seen this anywhere else. Whenever we move out of this neighborhood I will really miss my neighbors.

Last night out heater broke and so it is freezing inside the house. This morning as I was getting ready to take baby over to my cousins to give him a bath in a warm house my neighbor was out and I waved hello and he asked if he could come over and see the baby which of course I said yes to. I told him not to mind how baby looked that I was taking him to go get a bath and so then I told him how I heater was broken. He asked to see what was going on with it and I am sure that if he could have fixed it he would have he got all dirty trying to see what the problem might be. How awesome is that. Oh and he wife is pretty awesome too, the day we brought baby home for the first time within like 30 minutes she was over with a cake, which was so delicious. Ok one more example, my next door neighbors have fruit trees. One day I had run out of pears and baby was on this pear thing where he only wanted to eat pears so I send Silvia over to go buy some from them and they just gave us some pears for free.

I really do live in a pretty sweet neighborhood and I have some pretty awesome neighbors.

Friday, November 20, 2009

Day 10...

Today I am grateful for our cousin Huong. She is married to my husbands cousin, did you get that? They happen to live in Philadelphia and its a funny story about how I met them, actually I will tell you at the end of this post. Anyways she called me the other day and asked me if I was going back home for Thanksgiving and I told her no cause the tickets were too much and right now we don't have that kind of money to spend. So then she tell me that she has a voucher for southwest airlines that will be expiring in December and no one in her family can use it, so she said that if I found a flight that I could use it. Well I got super excited because I really was planning of going to Philly with baby in November but with the money situation it didn't happen and I was super bummed so when she told me that I got on the internet right away and found a ticket. I only paid about $70 for the whole thing, isn't that amazing? She totally has made me the happiest right now. I just thought that was so sweet of her to think of me and offer me that.

Ok now the story of how I met her and her husband. Well my husband and I met online, I think everyone already knows that and so I feel pretty comfortable saying it, when we first got married we told different stories, hahaha. Jon and I had been talking online for about a month and then we started talking on the phone for about another month before he told his cousin about me. The only thing was that he told his cousin that he had met me thru a friend on one of my trips to Utah and then he told him that I was from Philly. Jon told his cousin how much he liked me and blah blah blah. Since they live in Philly they asked for my number and Jon gave it to them and then calls me and tells me that his cousins want to take me out to dinner to meet me. Mind you his cousin thinks that Jon and I had already met so this was really weird for me but hey I went along for the ride. We made plans and met up at a sushi restaurant near Villanova University. This was the most awkward meal ever!!. They kept on asking question of how Jon and I met and I was totally trying to dodge their questions. Now looking back I am sure they thought I was weird. Anyways the mean ended and I went home and right away Jon called them to find out what they thought and if they thought I was cute, hahaha, he was making sure that I was not some ugly fat chick. So then I move to Utah a month later and we end up getting married that summer and the whole time his cousin is thinking that the story he knows is the real one until a few months later when he had to tell them the truth. They just died laughing. I think the whole family thinks its pretty funny that I met his cousins before I met Jon. Maybe one of these days I will tell you about our sure courtship and engagement cause that's always a good story.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

day 9...What am I grateful for...

I am grateful for my brothers. I have 2 brothers, they are Will and Aaron.

There is my brother Will, right now he is serving a mission and he is just the biggest example to me. He has such a strong testimony of the gospel, I told him the other day that I only wish I could have a testimony half as strong as he does. He has really been tested while on his mission, its one thing after another and he still believes in the church and is going strong and is determined to finish his mission. I would be home by now no doubt about it. Before he left for his mission other than my husband he was my best friend, I could always tell him anything and he would listen and never judge me. He knows all my deepest secrets which are not that deep but still.



Then there is my brother Aaron is hilarious he always knows what to say to make me laugh. I always say he is cheap but in reality any time I have needed his help financially he has always been there. I loved having him stay with us for 3 months during the summer. He was so sweet with baby. Also right now he is going thru some difficult time, he was recently diagnosed with myotonic dystrophy which to my understanding is a slow progressing, inherited disease, it is characterized by wasting of the muscles. Sad I know but my brother is such a trooper he really is not letting this get in the way. He still has plans to go on a mission and have a family and do the normal things everyone else does, let me tell you he is the most active person I know. He runs miles and miles a day. He is really determined to fight this. I look up to him so much, I do not think I would be dealing with it as well as he is.



Anyways I really was blessed with some amazing brothers.

Day 8...I forgot to do this yesterday

Oppps! I was just running around all day yesterday and totally forgot to update my blog with what I am thankful. First let me tell you what I have been up to. On Tuesday morning I woke up and my boob was really full which is not uncommon if baby doesn't eat as much before I put him down and then the other feeding that happens at some point during the night. So I got up and went on about my day, after putting baby down for his nap I went down stairs to fold the laundry and as time past by I started to feel worse and worse. My whole body started to hurt and I had chills plus my head was hurting. Immediately I thought that I was coming down with a cold so I started to take some things for it. I came upstairs and took a shower thinking that might make me feel better but no it just got worse and to top it off my boob was hurting so bad. I called Jon and told him to come home early cause I didn't want to be around baby and get him sick so he did and I just slept almost all day. By night time I was feeling horrible so I ended up taking some heavy pain killers which worked wonders I was able to sleep like a baby. Before going to bed my SIL called and I told her my symptoms and she told me that it sounded like it was either a cold or mastitis which sometimes have some of the same symptoms. She told me to wait till the next day to see if it got worse or what. I wake up yesterday and I was feeling totally fine no more symptoms other than my boob hurting. WEIRD!! So now I am thinking maybe its just a clogged duct. Who knows but today I am feeling back to normal. I guess if anything my immune system is in pretty good shape from taking all that vitamin c and other natural stuff.

Ok so its now time for what I am grateful for...yesterday I was grateful for my husband having the day off from work. He was able to help me out with baby while I got some much needed rest since I wasn't feeling all the day back to normal. I think I really do have the best husband in the world. On his only day off from work and what does he do, watch the baby for me to sleep. Yeah I am one lucky girl.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Day 7...I am grateful for...

I am grateful for my cousin Lisseth. She has been there for me since moving to the Ogden, Utah area. She is one of the most giving person I have ever met. For example, this just happened today, I had told her how Baby was in need of some more warm clothes and that I was waiting for Jon to get paid for me to go get some, well today she showed up to my house with 4 new outfits for baby. They were super cute. Also after giving birth she came to my house every single day and would bring me food, help me with baby and with cleaning. Oh and anytime I need a babysitter she let's me know that she will watch him for as long as I want. She is truly amazing. She is the only person I feel safe leaving baby with for hours. I really am lucky to have her as my cousin. I love you Lisseth.

Monday, November 16, 2009

What am I grateful for...day 6

I am grateful for my sister. Right now she happens to live with us and she is really helpful. I really do not know what I would do without her some days. She is also a sweet, loving person. Oh and can I tell you how hilarious she is, I think the funny part is that she doesn't really know how funny she is. Just today she had Jon, baby and I laughing hysterically, she was pretending to be a cat and it was the funniest thing in the world. Ok here is one funny thing she has said to me within the last few months, I had told her that one night after I put Bentley down we could go to the basement and watch a girl movie together. So that day comes around and at 8pm she was all ready for the movie and so I told her that baby wasn't feeling all that well and so we could all go up to my bed and watch the movie on my bed and so she goes "ughhh...I thought babies were supposed to be more fun and this is not fun at all" ummmm...I could not stop laughing. I told her to please not have children for at least 10 more years.


Sunday, November 15, 2009

What am I grateful for...day 5

I am grateful for my wonderful parents who are just amazing. I really do have the best parents EVER! They have been a great example throughout my life. They both have such a strong testimony of the church and their testimony really carried me thru my teens even all the way till I was able to have my own testimony. I have really learned so much from them. I think the one thing that I have really learned from them and that I want to be more like is that my parents truly love each other. They have been married for over 26 years and they are still affectioned towards each other. If you ever see them out walking they will either be holding hands or my dad will have his arm around my mom. When my husband first met my parents that was the first thing he noticed and even told me that he hoped that we could be like them. Not only are they amazing examples to me but they are my best friends. My mom, I talk to her at least twice a day. My dad, whenever I am having a melt down I always call him and he knows exactly what to say to make me feel better. I am one lucky girl.




Saturday, November 14, 2009

What am I grateful for...day 4

I am so grateful for having this cute girl as my friend, her name is Jen. We became friends when we both lived in Provo and we lived right across from each other at the condos. She is just so stikin cute and just the sweetest person you will ever meet. I consider myself lucky to have her be part of my life. I really do feel like she is my sister, I just love her so much. I am not as great of a friend as I should be since we live about and hour and 15 minutes away now. However any time I get to hang out with she makes me feel so good and like I can tell her anything and be myself and she still loves me.



Ok let me tell you about this picture, I was trying to find one with just her in it but I don't have any like that. This picture was taken last year in August. I went down to San Diego with my husband and at the time she was living in Los Angeles, so we made plans for me to go stay with her for a few days while her husband was on a trip. While there I kept on telling her that I was super thirsty all the time and had to pee a lot and I'm sure there were some other signs and she tells you "Laura you're pregnant". Jon and I were not trying to get pregnant so I told her no thats not it but she happened to have a pregnancy test at her house so she left it out and the next morning I took the pregnancy test and low and behold, it was like 6am and I woke her up to tell me what it meant, I knew what it meant but I needed someone else to tell me because I could not believe it. So she was the first person to find out I was pregnant and boy was she just so happy for me. Well anyways this picture was taking during that trip the day before I found out I was pregnant.

Friday, November 13, 2009

What am I grateful for...day 3

I am grateful for having the gospel in my life, without it my life would be a mess. I really am grateful for knowing how much my Heavenly Father loves me and how forgiving he is. There truly is no better feeling than knowing you are a daughter of God.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

What am I grateful for...day 2

I am so very grateful to my Heavenly Father for giving me this great opportunity of becoming a mother and entrusting the life of such a sweet spirit in my hands. I know that I will forever try my hardest to be the best mother I can be to him. I have never been as happy than after baby came into my life. He has made my life just that much better. I am so crazy about this little man, I think other people might think I am crazy when seeing I how am with him but I don't care. I never knew I could be this loving, this patient and so nurturing. Just look at this monkey he is just the most perfect baby.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

What am I grateful for...day 1

Every day this month until Thanksgiving, I will think of one thing that you are thankful for and write about it on here.

I am grateful for my wonderful husband. He has really been the biggest blessing in my life. He has taught me so much about life and about myself in the 3 years we have been together. I am able to truly be myself with him and know that he will still love me. I mean he knows that I am crazy and he still loves me, let me tell you that takes a lot cause I really am a hard person to like let alone love. He knows me better than anyone else in this world and he makes me feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet which in return makes me feel like the luckiest girl in the world. My life would totally suck without him in it.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

Our choices can effect others

Its funny how so many people always say that their choices do not effect anyone else but yourself but in the end they really do effect so many people.

My husband yesterday said to me something really sad, he said "I hate my life" and it really made me upset because no matter what happens in life I do not hate my life. This morning however he told me that he doesn't hate his life but that he hates the situation that his parents, my parents and we find ourselves in right now. So I said to him that yeah its really sad but that they and we are in these situations because of choices we have made along the way.

This is our story...almost 2 years ago my husband made a choice to start a business with his sister. In part I think he really thought that this business was going to be really successful but also in part he felt bad for his sister and the situation that she found herself in after spending tons of money on equipment for a store and he knew that if he did not help her out that there would be a ton of money that his parents and sister would lose. So we went ahead with the plan, him and his sister opened up a pizza restaurant, it went really well for almost a year we were even able to open up one more store. Lately, however, they have been doing not too hot and it worries me so much. When they first opened the store they thought that they would be making a crap load of money which never sounded right to me but hey who am I to crash someone's dream but I always thought that no business is going to be making that much money from the get go. Now that its not doing as good as expected its kind of sad because we have basically put all of our eggs into one basket. I know that my husband is super stressed, I am super stressed and I probably don't help the situation cause I nag too much. Now his parents are in a horrible situation and need to move in with us. I have already lived with them for 6 months and it was not pretty to say the least. I don't know how they don't hate me right now or maybe they do, who knows. It's really hard when you grew up one way with my mom cleaning every day and everything being super organize and even though I am not the cleanest person alive or the most organized I do try and when there is something out of place it bugs me, then its hard to live with people who are opposite than you.

You know what bugs me about this whole situation is that we have been here before almost a year ago his parents were in the same situation and it was horrible. Things were said and then the extended family got involved and things were said to my husband that were hurtful and no one defended my husband. I think that hurt me more than anything else, especially now that I am a mother, my child comes before my siblings no doubt about it. Ever since then its like they all think my husband is out to hurt his parents or something crazy like that. I really don't know what is told to them because if they really saw what he did on a daily basis they would know who the one without a heart really is. It makes me really sad. Just thinking about that and what it was like a year ago and then knowing that its happening again it just makes me want to have a nervous break down. I will have to be doing a lot of praying I know that for sure.

You know the person who said that their decisions don't effect anyone has really effected the life of my in-laws in a horrible horrible way and hence the fact they are in the situation they are. Also because of that choice that one person made my husband and I also find ourselves in a hard place while that person is off being fine, life will be fine for them but for us we don't know. We are struggling and this sucks. I get so angry sometimes. Right before I go to bed I start thinking about things and I get so angry I start shaking and just wanting to hit something. I wish I would have said somethings at times. I wish things were different. I wish my husband was still in school he would be one month away from graduating. I wish a lot of things. I guess wishing doesn't help the situation. Thank goodness I have the baby to keep me occupied cause I would really drive myself crazy.

I hope this time around with having his parents live with us that things will be different. That the extended family will not be told everything and that my husband does not get nasty emails because this time around I WILL NOT stand for it even if it causes issues. I will make sure that they have a reason to never ever want to talk to me.

THINGS I LEARNED FROM ALL OF THIS:

-listen to the prophet and don't get into debt
-have a savings for a rainy day because they do come and happen even to rich people
-NEVER by any means start a business with a family member (worst mistake a human being can make)
-don't ever let anyone help you out financially even if it means you cannot have the nice clothes or cars, it will come back and bite you
-be careful on your decisions they do effect just more than just yourself
-always have a plan B in case plan A tanks
-have faith in God that's all you really can do

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

ADD

So yesterday I posted about how I think I have ADD and I said that was another story, well lets talk about that today.

I really think I might have ADD. I never before thought that I had it but lately my mind is always all over the place. My husband just laughs at me with the things I say. For example, we were talking about how we need to be saving money and then out of nowhere in my head I started thinking about how I should paint this dinning room table and chairs black and reupholster the seat with some white and black fabrics, so I tell my husband this and he just started to laugh, he said where did that come from. That's one example but there are many more. My sister even noticed it the other day when out of nowhere I started talking about other things than what we were talking about. I will be trying to fall asleep but my mind is all over the place with things I should have done and things I wanna do and all sort of different things.

Maybe this is why I can no longer watch a movie all the way thru and why I hate going to the movie theater. I will start a movie but always something in the movie will remind me of something and then my mind will go off to lalaland. Do you think its a mom thing? Cause I have only noticed that since having baby.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

The email I received today

My younger brother is serving a mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints and today I received an email that really got me thinking. I had told him about how I was feeling towards one person in particular and I was sure he was totally going to say that I had a right to feel that way so I was taken aback when he said this "love those that despitefully use you, as you forgive others God forgives us. I think it says that in the scriptures or you could just call me crazy either one works for me :)." I think that I got this email at the perfect time.

A quick thought, it seems that since my brother started his mission he says a lot of things to me right when I need to hear them.

I might have ADD my mind cannot keep one single train of thought it is always all over the place but that's a story for another day.

Anyways back to my story, what he said really got me thinking today because I know that I need God's forgiveness because I am not perfect I am trying to be but truth be told I am falling really short. I was certain and I had even told my husband that I was no longer going to try and be nice to this person because every time I am I seem to get hurt. No lie about an hour after I said that to my husband I got the email and to tell you the truth I do need to forgive this person because just like I am not perfect neither are they and maybe they are really trying to be perfect like I am and just falling short. Later on in the email he told me something like people who offend us or hurt us maybe do not have the spirit of God and to just pray for that person.

I really need to start doing this. I have really been thinking lately that I need to just live my life and not worry what others say or think and just be happy. I have plenty of reasons to be happy, I have my amazingly wonderful husband who I am crazy about and who is crazy about me, I have my beautiful healthy baby boy what more does a person need to be happy. So from today on I will try to be a more forgiving person and be happy.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Lazy people

What is up with people being so lazy now days? Now I am sure if you talk to my mother she will tell you I was the laziest person in the world, which maybe at one point it was true. However since I turned 16 I have always had a job. There was a point where I held down 2 jobs at once. I would be at my one job from 6-3 then my next one would start from 4-11. That was my schedule mostly every day give or take a few hours. I did that for about a year but my jobs have always been working at least 30 hours a week and I think I am a good worker. I now have not been working for a year and 5 months but for very good reasons. I was pregnant and now I have a house and a baby to take care of. That's more than plenty work for me.

Now in the last few months I have seen some really lazy people who either barely work and moan and groan when they do work or who work minimal and expect to get paid the big bucks. Do people really think their time is worth that much?

I think that anyone who has a job at this moment needs to be grateful that they have a job no matter what it is. How many people would love to be able to just have a paying job at this moment all over this country. Some people are so ungrateful. And then the people who think they are worth more then they are need to look at themselves and realize that were it for not other people picking up their slack they would be no where in this world.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

My childhood friend

Do you ever wish you were still friends with your best friend from your childhood? I do ALL the time.

My best friend was Nicole Lombardi and we were inseparable. We did everything together, we dressed alike and even looked a lot alike. Most people who saw us together thought we were sisters. She was 2 years younger than me but we just had so much in common. I met her when I was 12 and we moved in to her neighborhood. We lived maybe 3 houses down, so we were always at each others place. I would eat dinner over at her house at least 3 times a week and whenever she came to my house it was like she was part of the family she would always go into the kitchen and get herself a bowl of rice and put hot sauce on it and eat it just like that. I have so many good memories like when she came with me to youth conference to Palmyra to watch the pageant and her going to youth dances with me.

When she started high school her parents started to go thru a divorce and I honestly did not understand it. Many times she told me just that, that I was so lucky to have both my parents living together and being happy and that I really did not understand what it was like to have parents who are divorce. Many times I tried to tell her that I did understand it but now looking back I really did not and I still do not understand it. I think around this time was when we stopped hanging out as much and then eventually just stopped all completely. I now wish that I could have been a better friend to her, I was a horrible friend to her when she needed me the most. It so breaks my heart to know that maybe because of my actions I now do not have her in my life. Gosh had I known that back then she would still be in my life.

I miss her so much and I will forever have her in my thoughts, she was an amazing friend to me. About 3 years after we stopped talking for her birthday since I always remembered when it was, March 24th, I send her a birthday card and told her how much I missed her friendship. A week later she send me a letter with her phone number on it saying to call her which I did and we hang out but I think by then we were both in totally different places in our lives. It has now been well over 6 years since I have seen her or talked to her. I have looked her up of myspace and facebook and I just cannot find her. Her mother moved away from the neighborhood about 5 years ago so there is no way for me to find out where she is or how to get in contact with her. Every time I go back home to visit I catch myself looking to see if I see her at a mall or anywhere.

I wish I could have a friend like that now days but maybe that is not possible or maybe I am just not a good enough friend for that to happen. Ever since moving to Utah I have just put all my time and energy into my marriage and now my baby that I really have not made any friends out here and it is so sad because I sometimes just need someone to talk to who will be on my side no matter what. I need a friend to vent to. I have my mami who I tell everything to, well just about everything but its not the same as a friend. I also have my sister and a cousin who I am close to but sometimes you just need someone who is not family to hang out with. Maybe some day I will find a good friend but till then I guess I can just write everything I think on here or just keep things to myself.

I cannot have another child

There is no way that I can have another child for at least 5 years. This week I am watching my niece while my SIL is on her honeymoon and so this has really made me realize more than ever that I cannot function with 2 children at home. I do not know how any mom does it. My house would never be cleaned, I would never shower and the children would love a hot mess. I am not even lying I am just saying how it would really be. Since having baby Jon has said that he wants to wait 2 years to have another one and I though I might be ok with that but after just a few days of 2 children in the house I have now come to the conclusion that there is no way on earth I am having another one until baby is in first grade, not kindergarden but first grade he needs to be out of the house all day for it to work.

Most of my reasoning about this is purely selfish, so here they are. I love getting my nap time during the day. I normally take a nap with baby during one of his afternoon naps and I love it, it totally helps me function. Also I need to be able to wake up late I am not a morning person and so if I am up any time before 7am I will for sure have a bad day. It seems like with 2 children in the house I lose my patience quickly. Right now that is one thing I love about the kind of mother that I am with baby, I have so much patience with him, I have yet not lost it with him but with my niece here it seems like I need to use the TV a lot. Just so you can know my niece is an angel she listens to me for the most part and helps me out but for the few moments she cries and yells and doesn't want to listen I just tell myself that another child for me would not be something wise.

Monday, October 26, 2009

My new favorite quote

"My goal is to live my life in such a way that when I die, someone can say, she cared." by: Mary Kay Ash.

The theme for the wedding

I love the color scheme that my sister-in-law chose, it is so her. Girly, pretty but not too loud. I loved her bouquet!



This is my favorite part of the dress, the back.



And look at how cute her hair accessories are, by the way she totally did her hair all by herself.

The wedding happened

My sister-in-law got married!! Yay!! We could not be happier for her. She just looked stunning, such a beautiful bride. The temple ceremony was beautiful and I tell you they choose some pretty awesome people to be sealers because he was the sweetest nicest old man. I am so happy for her. Just look at how beautiful she looks.



This is the bride with her brothers.



Doesn't she just look so happy? This is my favorite picture of her that I took.



This is my new brother-in-law, he has now joined the crazies, hahaha.



From left to right, my sister, my cousin and I at the reception.



The love of my life and I.



The aunts



Well the wedding was beautiful and so was the reception but thank goodness its over. That day was just so long, I can only imagine how the bride and groom felt. My poor baby was exhausted by the time we got home and to tell you the truth so was I.

The bride and groom are now on their honeymoon and I am watching my niece so I will have to post some pictures up from our fun times.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

A wedding...

We are all getting ready for a wedding this weekend. My sister-in-law might be getting married, yeah you hear that right, SHE MIGHT. Everything is ready for the wedding so lets hope that it really does happen. Today my MIL flew in from Virginia and tomorrow the rest of the family is flying in from Virginia and California. This should be fun since most of them are staying at our house, thank goodness we have tons of room at this house.

I have so much to get done tomorrow to be ready for the wedding day on friday. To top it off my SIL is getting her taking out her endowments tomorrow so that right there takes a few hours out of my day and then I have to leave my house around 5 to be able to make it to her shower that is at 7 since its pretty far. AHHH! I don't know what I will do. I still do not have an outfit for my baby to wear and I really don't know where I will find time but somehow I need to find time since he needs to wear something.

My hand at photography

I have always loved taking pictures but now I am trying to get better at it and I actually try to make pictures look a little more professional.

Today I went out to the train station and had a blast taking pictures of my beautiful sister and cousin and also of my handsome baby boy. I am actually posting 2 pictures of my handsome baby, on this blog I try not to do that but just this once I will.

Let me know what you guys think of the pictures and if you like them.






Saturday, October 17, 2009

Trip to Idaho

About a week ago we went to Idaho for a food show that's done thru the company my husband buy the food for the business. Anyways they pay for our gas a hotel room so we figured why not go and enjoy some free time off. Jon, Silvia (my sister), baby and I headed up there on a Tuesday morning. So this next pictures are just us on the way up there.

Can you tell I love to take pictures?



I actually thought that Idaho was really pretty, I had heard from some people that is was really ugly but they were all wrong.




We ended up having a blast and the hotel was actually a really nice hotel. It was in downtown Boise which is really nice I thought prettier than Salt Lake City. The ride was kinda rough of baby but other than that we had a blast.

Anger management

I think I might need some anger management classes! Lately I have been getting really angry at stupid people. For example last night I was so angry that I wanted to punch something or someone and since my husband and the baby are out of the question and my walls I think are made out of paper I just had to keep my anger inside and so I ended up with a huge headache and not being able to fall asleep.

I used to have anger issues really bad back in my wild days but since moving to Utah and especially since getting married I have really worked on my anger issues. My husband has only seen me flip once since we have met and I think that was enough to scare him to never ever want to get me mad. For a long time I thought that I was good but boy was I wrong I guess they never really go away and they seem to surface once in a while but boy is it bad when they do. Maybe I need professional help but then again who doesn't.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Blah...

Do you ever have one of those days where nothing seems to go right and you just don't feel like yourself? Well for me today is that day. Lately they haven't happened too much, while I was pregnant it happened just about every day but since having the baby I have been a pretty positive person but for whatever reason today is not a good day. I got ready this morning and nothing looked good on me, my face didn't look right, my hair looked a hot mess. It all started when I went to go put on clothes I swear nothing fits me, it is so depressing. I knew I had lost a lot of weight but dang I didn't want to lose this much weight. I am at the point though that it makes me sad and just the thought of trying to gain a little bit of weight brings on so much anxiety that I just don't eat. Its so weird but anyways today is just one of those days where nothing goes right. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dear Butt,

yes you heard right. 

Where have you gone? I truly do miss you. Can you please come back soon? You were so good to me for 24 years, can I get another 24, please!

So here is the story, I used to actually have a butt which was my favorite body part and that no longer exist. I had what I thought was a pretty good butt all the way till I became pregnant. Then my butt got a little bit bigger which didn't bother me. Then I gave birth came home from the hospital and OMGoshhhhh! What happened? I was told by many that it would come back after a few months but its not back and I am super sad.

So how did I realize it was gone, other than the fact that I looked in the mirror and saw it for myself. First my dear hubby has mentioned it in the nicest way possible. Second my really expensive jeans that are my size right now no longer fit me around the butt. And third today my sister mentioned to me how my jeans didn't fit me anymore and I said why do you say that and she tells me that they are kinda baggy around my butt. Can you believe that? Now I am super sad and I want it back.

Friday, October 2, 2009

I want another wedding

When I was looking at wedding dresses for my wedding I said to myself that I didn't want to wear one of those puffy dresses that make you look like a princess. What was I thinking? That is the only day you can pull crap like that. Now I am regretting it! Ok I do love my wedding dress, go here if you wanna see what it looks like, but it is beautiful but now when I look but for some weird reason I think to myself why did I not want the big puffy princess one. Look how cute they are.




The sad thing is that even if one day Jon and I renew our vows I can never wear the puffy dress that I so much love now cause how retarded will that look. An older woman wearing some big puffy princess dress. 

In looking back at my wedding there are so many things I now am like oh we should have done that or this or taking a picture with that person or been more relaxed or in my case gotten a one size bigger dress. Funny story to go with that last thing, I almost past out cause I gained weight after I bought my dress and so I was able to wear my dress only for the ceremony and about 15 minutes of the dinner before getting dizzy and nauseous from the dress being so tight. Does that happen to anyone else or just me? That you now think of all the things you should have done. 

My love/hate relationship

Jon and I love animals and when we first got married since he didn't want to have children for a while I figured that we could just get animals. What was I thinking? You know what that was my problem I wasn't thinking about the long run and the fact that cats last forever. When we got married I came into the relationship with a dog. Then about a year after we got married I told him I wanted a savannah cat which is a cross between a wild cat and a domestic cat. Yeah I am crazy. My sweet husband never likes to say no to me but he told me it would not be a good idea to bring a savannah cat to a condo since there would not be enough room for him to run around. So he told me we could get a cat and I started to look at white cats but they hubby didn't really want to have to pay for one. One day out of the blue I hear a cat crying outside our balcony and I looked out to find a white cat. So long story short we couldn't find the owners and so we kept it. We loved this cat, he was crazy but fun. Little story about him, he would bounce off the walls and learned how to turned off lights (I'm not exsaturating). Anyways back to my story about a year after we got that cat we happen to come across another cat and he was super cute but I was firm that I did not want another animal by this time I was back to my senses. The hubby begged and begged to keep him, yeah like a little kid, and I gave in. He was pretty cute. 

Then I get pregnant...I don't know how everyone else was when they were pregnant but I will say it...I was a b***h. No lie ask my husband he will let you know. That might be why he doesn't want more children. Anyways I started to hate the cats even though they never did anything to me it got so bad that by the time I was 7 months pregnant I couldn't even look at them cause they made me nauseous. I didn't even feel bad about. Then I had the baby and for about 4 months I didn't want them near my baby. I was honestly so close to giving them away. Listen to this I even let them out and they are indoor cats but I let them out hoping someone would take them in but every night they would come back and cry for me to let them back in. Well about a month ago I started letting them come up more and don't you know it but baby is just like his daddy, he just loves those cats. He touches them and laughs and if he is crying all I have to do is bring the cats in the room and he stops. I guess I am back to loving the cats. 

Let me tell you though they are pretty cute and they do make me laugh all the time. Specially when my white cat b***h slaps my chihuahua who thinks she is all mighty, we just die laughing watching that. Anyways I was doing laundry the other day, I put some clothes in the washer and turned around for a second to get more clothes to put in and this is what I found.


He was just chilling in there like nothing ever happened. They are just too funny. 

Happy Birthday Lisseth!

Today was my cousins birthday and so I decided that I was going to make a cake for her. It was a chocolate cake and I used this recipe with a buttercream filling. For the frosting I had ran out of butter so I had to use shortening which I don't like but oh well. I think it still turned out pretty good. Plus doesn't it look super cute? I was going to use fondant to cover the whole cake but I was kinda scared maybe next time.


Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Am I judgmental?

This was so weird. Last night we were across the street talking to our neighbor (the one that helped me out the other day when I locked myself out of the house, you can read that story hear) as we were talking to him, I guess they were going to go hang out with him and his wife and were bringing over some drinks. So we were all talking and out of the blue the wife goes "we don't drink all the time" it made me feel so weird that she would say that. Afterwards I asked Jon if he had looked at them funny or if I had and we didn't think so. Now there are 2 reasons why she might have said that either they think all LDS people are judgmental or that we are. I honestly do not think that I am but hey who am I right? I now am feeling horrible though because I really hope she doesn't think that I am judging them for drinking. Little do they know that our whole family are not members and drinking is normal with the rest of our family. Oh well I just thought it was kinda weird of her to say that. 

On another note but still about the neighbor can I tell you that you has the most amazing legs. I am way jealous. I think I might need to go over there and ask her what she does to have such amazing legs.

Family portrait time

I have found a photographer from Logan to come down to Ogden to take our first family portraits and she is super cheap and I really like what she has on her site. We have a session booked with her for Halloween and I am super excited about it. So if you are up here in Ogden or Logan and would like to get a session with her check her site out its alishasiddoway.com. I will post some of our pictures once we take them.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Grapes

This summer at our new house we have been super lucky, our next door neighbor has a grape plant and it is huge so it comes over to our side so we have been eating grapes non-stop all summer and I happened to love grapes. I hope we are still here next summer so that Bentley can have some home grown grapes that are super yummy. Here is some pictures of some yummy grapes, be jealous! JK.



Now there are still tons left and I don't want them to go to waste so I will have to figure out what to do with them since I cannot eat them all at once. I think I might make some jam from them or something like it so if I can figure out how to do that I'll post the recipe and pictures. I probably should figure something out before the cold really hits.


Update on cleaning

Here are the after pictures from me cleaning the closet. Finally it looks ok. Its crazy cause I had a ton of stuff that I never wore so I was able to get rid of all that.







Thursday, September 24, 2009

My new favorite site

is mormonmommyblogs.blogspot.com everyone needs to go over there and check it out. Last night I went on there and the topic was SEX. Finally an LDS person talking about it about time. I have always felt like whenever I make and LDS friend I cannot be my true self and I am always trying to sensor what I say. The word sex is like a curse word to most members and I just cannot understand that. Growing up in the church it was always told (now this is my experience and others experiences are different) that sex=sin and that its not a good thing. AHHH! Why would anyone say that? I wish more LDS people were less freaked out about this topic. Its funny cause I checked out last night all the comments and its interesting to see that actually a lot of women were not so weirded out by the topic but then again you get those crazy one that get totally offended by it. I understand that maybe you shouldn't go into details about it but it should be ok to talk about it and if you have a question to ask it, don't you think? Some lady even said that it was not ok to go to a therapist to get help if there was an issue going on. Oh goodness, this is why husband cheat. Don't these women realize that men need sex? AHHH! Jon was even saying poor husbands. 

All I am trying to say is that sex should not be looked upon as a negative thing.

Cleaning!

I saw this on someone's blog and I thought it was a good idea. What they did was take a room or area that you wanted to clean for the week and take a picture of what it looks like before cleaning it and then after the week once its all cleaned you put up a picture of what it looks like now that it is clean. So I think I am going to do this for 8 weeks. 

This week I have chosen the master bedroom closet. So here are the pictures of what a mess it is right now and in a week I will post what it looks like after I have cleaned it. 



Thursday, September 17, 2009

I promise I love being a mom

But on days like today I wish I had my mom close by to help me with the baby. The last few days he has been really whinny and for anyone that knows my baby that is not him. He also does not want to take naps during the day. What is up with that? I need him for my sanity to take a nap during the day or else I just don't feel like I have the patience to handle everything. Its not that I take a nap with him all the time but at least I get a little of a break during the day.  Today though he didn't nap and I tried to play with him on the floor that didn't work, I tried putting Barney on that normally helps for a few minutes nothing, I tried singing, making funny noises and faces but just nothing was working, not even the booby juice which normally is the magic touch but not even that did he want. By the time Jon came home somehow I had been able to get him to sleep for about 30 minutes so Jon took him downstairs and get this he was totally fine with Jon. I think he just wanted his daddy all day long. He must be sick and tired of seeing me all day every day, poor child. After I was done eating dinner I went downstairs where my sister was watching him and he was crying and again I tried everything but nothing worked so I took him outside where Jon was with his friend and the baby was just all smiles and wanting to join in there conversation. He must think he is a big boy and that mami is way too boring for him. Kids are funny I tell you. Lets hope tomorrow is a better day.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

No one has a neighbor as awesome as we do!

Today I locked myself out of the house, without my phone. Thank goodness that the baby was taking his morning nap if not I would have broken a window before doing anything else. As soon as I realized I had locked myself out I tried to break a wood covering we have on a window down in the laundry but when we first moved in here I was scared that anyone could move that and get in so I made my husband drill in some screws so that it could not be moved, so me trying to break the wood was not going to happen. I ran out front and thank goodness our awesome neighbor was right next door so I told him what happened and he lend me his phone. I called Jon but he was already in Salt Lake, which is about 45 minutes from the house by the time he would have gotten back I would have broken a window cause I am sure the baby would have woken up by then. Jon tells me to just brake a window. OK let me explain first, this house is super old so the windows are made of glass that is no longer found so that is a problem and to top it off the windows are weird sizes so you have to get the glass specially made. Poor Jon was just so upset just thinking how much it would cost to fix a window. I got off the phone with him so that I could go brake a window and when I get to the back of the house, this is where my awesome neighbor comes in, he had opened my door. I won't say how but lets just say he made my day and I owe him BIG time. I might need to good some treats and bring them over to his family. He won't know but today he was my hero. 

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Different kind of ward

Our ward is kinda different, I have never been to a ward that is quite like this one. I guess the closes to this was the West Philly ward I grew up going to but even that it does not come close. We have now been in this ward for 6 months but I still leave church with my mouth open from shock every sunday. My first sunday in this ward I sat behind a weird guy who while the opening prayer was going on he kept on saying "buddah" over and over again, at first in a low voice but as the prayer went on he got louder. It was actually kinda funny. Oh and then this, for the first month or so every sunday our bishop asked us if we were knew in the ward, finally I felt so awkward that I started going in a different way so that he wouldn't ask me. Maybe he has memory lose or something. At the only activity I have actually gone to, I was talking to a newer sister about how weird the ward was and she said that when she first moved in that they told her that this was just an amazing ward and that she would love it here and then she said "these poor people have never been to a really nice ward, they have no idea what they are talking about" isn't that funny? At least I am not the only one that feels this way. Don't get me wrong there are some nice, normal people in the ward but those are very few.

A few funny stories; the last month or so the ambulance has been called at least 4 times during sacrament. Today Jon goes to a sister "is it me or does it seem like every sunday something happens and the ambulance needs to be called" and she goes "yeah Jon, it only happens when you come to church" so he was like "I might need to stop coming cause I think we are only one sunday away from someone dying". Seriously though its crazy, the one sunday a 92 year old woman tried to fast and past out, God bless her. 

Also normally whenever I have entered a new ward the relief society comes over to get to know you, if you are LDS you know how that works they always somehow find you, even if you don't want to be found but at this ward it was nothing like that. The first counselor lived next door to me for about 3 months and she knew I was about to have a kid and I lie to you not but I have Bentley and no one even bothered to see if I needed anything or how I was doing, NOTHING. The people who actually cared were neighbors who are not even LDS. Oh and then the only reason the relief society president came over to meet me, which by the way happened about 5 months into the ward, was to give me my visiting teaching assignment. Literally she came over told me who she was and said she wanted to get the face down with the name and gave me my assignment and that was it. Well I lost the paper with my assignment and I let her know that I needed a copy, I never got it but she keeps calling me asking if I have done my visiting teaching but I won't answer my phone. 

I keep telling Jon maybe some day when we move from here we can find a good ward. I really miss my last ward. We were only there for about 6 months but everyone was just so close and friendly. Some day I guess or maybe that's not in my cards. Sometimes none members are better that way I can be myself since to many members I come off as inappropriate. 

I do love the church and I do have a testimony but I tell you sometimes the people in the church are something else.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

Update on summer

This summer was the best summer I have had since we got married. We made it a point to go somewhere fun at least once a week. We went to a lot of water parks, lakes and state parks. I love the fact that we live in Utah, where there is always something fun to do out here and the views are just gorgeous.





When I got pregnant the one thing I worried about was postpartum depression. I am normally not a depressed person but there have been times when I have been depressed and its never fun, as I am sure everyone knows. So I had made myself a promise that once the baby came I would make sure I went out or had someone come over every day, that way I had a reason to fix myself. Having my cousin live 5 minutes away was a life saver cause she always knew when I was down. The other great thing that I think has helped me so far not feel down has been the fact that I try and go on a walk every day that I don't go to the gym or have people over.





I'll tell you what though a few weeks ago out of the blue I started to feel down. I didn't want to clean, I didn't want to get up, I was bitchy to Jon and I just was not a happy person at all. Even Jon said I was starting to remind him of my old pregnant self, poor Jon. One day I just broke down and started to cry and told Jon that I just was not feeling like my normal self ad that it felt like the worst feeling in the world. This went on for about 2 weeks but just like it came, one day I woke up and felt like my normal self again. Isn't that weird? Has that ever happened to any new mami out there? I told Jon had we had health care I would have seen a professional but oh well I'm not worried about it since I am back to normal.