Sunday, December 18, 2011


Before I forget I have to post this funny story that happened while on our way to California for Thanksgiving.

Before telling you the story I have to tell you that after having a child I am no longer embarrassed of being seen naked, most of the time.

We always stop in Vegas to eat at our favorite Korean restaurant but this time I really had to go pee right as we got off the highway. Like I could not hold it in anymore. So we get off and stop at In-n-Out, I take Baby with me. The bathroom is full so we wait finally get our turn. We go in the stall and as I am in the middle of peeing Baby opens the door completely for everyone in the bathroom to see me peeing and naked. I immediately yell and tell him to close the door but he thought it was too funny and wouldn't close. So now I have to stand up and close it so of course everyone in their mother had to see me naked. Oh and I was in the handicap stall so I actually ha to walk to close the stall.

I was so embarrassed! One person at a time seeing me naked no problem, about 10? Yeah that is too much for me to handle. I had to wait till everyone left the bathroom till I came out and ran as fast as I could out of that place. First time in at least 7 years I have been so embarrassed but it's a funny memory that I wanted to write down and laugh about later on in life.

Friday, December 16, 2011


Well that didn't go as expected. I should have known. It is all about appearances and therefore making any and all excuses possible. So sad sometimes I give people more credit than they deserved.

Yes, I will forgive you.

No, I will not forget.

No, I will not move on and have a relationship until you take accountability for your actions.

So sad. I think I am the only mature and grown person around here and that says a lot cause I never thought of myself as those words.

Such I my life.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

My mood

I have been in such a horrible mood today. I woke up and after clearly having too much time to think this morning I started to have a self pitty party. My day just spiraled out of control after that. Baby has been having some rough moments lately and have just been making me feel like a bad mother.

Thank goodness I have a pretty amazing cousin who will watch Baby whenever.

So I left him there while I went to work to and then on my way to work I had way too much time again to think and got super depressed and sad. I sometimes feel like I give so much of myself to people and for nothing. I shouldn't care but it does bother sometimes especially on days like today.

I have been having such good days I really need to do something to make sure I never have days like today.

I think part of the reason for my crappy day is that my father has asked to talk to me about a moth ago and tomorrow is the day it's all going down at my therapist office. I am super stressed and anxious about this. I do not know what to expect since I have heard that he is back to his old ways with my siblings so who knows what he wants. I will find out soon enough.

I have written a letter that I will read to him with everything I want to say but as of recently there are more things I want answers to. Will I ever get the answers probably no which makes me kinda sad.

Just today as I am crying I tell my husband that all I ever wanted was a father-daughter relationship with him and I did everything possible to have it but he clearly didn't want that. I just really wanted a normal relationship with both of my parents but I guess that was not in my cards. Gosh dang it and it makes me so mad!

Sunday, December 11, 2011

Weight watchers

I have never been on a diet where I have been able to maintain my weight loss.

I got down to the weight I wanted to get to before Thanksgiving and I thought for sure on our trip to California I would gain some of it but I didn't. I didn't follow it completely but I did watch my portions except for Thanksgiving dinner. Since getting back home I have gone back on weight watchers maintains and have been able to keep it off while still eating a lot of the things I love to eat around this time of year. Honestly eat diet out there.

I am sure I will be up a few pounds after our Christmas holiday but that's normal.

My little man

Since birth we have been doing the whole attached parenting thing with Baby. I am so glad that we chose to do this.

It is a really hard thing to do but I personally have enjoyed it. My husband might say otherwise but he supports me in the way I believe my child needs to be raised.

One of the things we have done since Baby was born is co-sleeping. People think we are crazy for doing this but the beauty of life is that I get to make my own choices with my child. I love nothing more than getting to cuddle my baby and waking up with him right next to me. He does have his own bed which we have had for over a year but has never used it.

The other day I rearranged his room, got rid of toys and so now there's tons of space in the room. So I put the Christmas tree up in his room. Since putting the tree in there he will go lay on his bed and put on a Christmas movie. Tonight though he fell asleep there while I was wrapping gifts. He has now been asleep on his bed for over 3 hours.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I have been trying to avoid having to go to sleep without my little man. I am curious though to see how long he will actually last in his room.

P.S. the last post was all Baby. He is too smart and has figured out how to get on my blog.

Thursday, December 8, 2011


Friday, November 25, 2011


One of my favorite things about visiting California are the oranges I get to pick and eat every morning. Super yummy!

Sunday, November 20, 2011

New car

I hate shopping for cars. It's quite possibly the worse thing on the planet. Worse than nails on a chalkboard, really it is.

The car insurance totaled our car instead of fixing it which made me sad. I was really hoping they would just fix it cause I was really emotionally attached to that car. It was the first car Jon and I got all by ourselves without anyone's help and it was the car we brought Baby home in.

Anyways, thanks to the fact that when we bought that car we put a huge down payment on it we were almost paid off with our loan so we got a good amount of money to get another car with after paying off our loan.

So it was my husbands job to go and look at cars and drive them, decide which car would be best and then tell me about it. We decided 3 days ago on a Mercury Milan. I really like the car and it is the first car since we have been married that is under my name, woohoo!

Sunday, November 13, 2011


I have never in over 10 years of owning a phone had a smart phone. When I say this to people they are shocked but it's true.

For some reason I just never really wanted one. My husband has had an iPhone since the first one came out so I just used his whenever I wanted, it was no biggie.

However when I heard about the new iPhone coming out and how awesome the camera on it was I started thinking I might want one.

So after years of my husband wanting to get me one I finally let him. It took over a month to get it after we purchased it but it was worth the wait. I am in love. He got me a white one which is even better, I think.

Honestly though this thing is pretty awesome. I can even blog from it. Can you believe that? Haha...I am sure everyone knew that and I am just years behind.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Weight gain

Baby has gained 2 pounds!


I am so excited. He was stuck at 24-25 pounds for almost a year and finally 2 days ago he got on the scale and he is now at 27 pounds.

I know it sounds weird that I am excited about his weight gain but when even the doctors were starting to get worried this is a really good thing.

Car accident

Well yesterday while Jon was on his way home from the store to pick Baby and I up, he got in a car accident.

Super scary!

A guy ran a red light and we believe it had to do with him texting. Jon wasn't able to stop in time and hit the guy. It totaled our car. Thank goodness nothing too serious happened to Jon. Jon had 2 witnesses who saw that Jon had a green light and then other guy ran a red light plus there were other witnesses who talked to the cops so the guy in the other car got a citation for failure to stop at a red light.

The other guy though wasn't as lucky as Jon. He wasn't wearing a seat belt so he was unconscious when the police got there and was taken to the hospital by an ambulance.

By late evening I took Jon to the hospital with a massive headache and some back and knee pain. If my husband says he is in pain its serious cause he is never in pain and I have seen him come close to cutting a finger and act like nothing happened.

We ended up having to pay for the car rental yesterday and the hospital bill and when money is tight that is no fun. However this morning we got good news from the other guys insurance that they are taking full liability of the accident and they already called the car rental and are having them return the deposit to us and they are paying to everything.

Now we just sit and wait to see if the car is really totaled, which we think it is, or if they are going to try and fix. Either way I am sad about my car but that's life.

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Baby needs friends

I am going to have to get out and try to make friends with some mom who has children around Baby's age.

He loves other kids and loves playing with other little ones.

Its so hard around here. The kids at the playground here are super mean. I had one horrible experience and it left me traumatized and I said never again will we go out there while I know kids are there. Jon can take him I just won't. I don't do well with my child being treated bad.

Since we don't go to church then I don't know any of the LDS ladies around here. Not like I knew them when I did go, they are kinda not friendly. I really do not know what to do but I am starting to think preschool is my only option here. Only problem is money is tight. Don't you just hate that? Being broke but oh well that's part of life so until I can afford preschool I will just have to take him to playground around the area and hope there are other little ones there.

Sunday, October 23, 2011


I have been waiting a long time for this.

Finally it looks like Baby is interested in painting and coloring and I am so happy.

We have been painting almost every day for the past little while. Only problem is my kitchen is now covered in his art work cause I cannot bring myself to throw things out. I am so silly, I know. I am thinking of putting some in frames and giving it to the grandparents for Christmas.

I love seeing him paint. Its one of my favorite things to do with him.

Friday, October 21, 2011

Hanging out

Since Jon started school, baby and I spend most of the day just hanging out him and I. We tend to get bored since his only friend left. So we just take tons of goofy pictures of us and most mornings are spend being lazy. I like it just that way but I am sure he doesn't.

Here are some pictures from the other day while hanging out.

Wednesday, October 19, 2011


I think we have a photographer in the making.

Baby has been enjoying walking around the house and taking pictures. Most pictures are of his toys, the floor, his feet, the animals or his fingers but it makes me laugh to see what he captures. It is kinda frightening when I see him with my camera so I know have to keep my camera hidden well. We do allow him to take pictures with Jon's phone.

Maybe some day soon it will start to look like Jon and I spend time together in pictures cause I'll get Baby to take some of us whenever we are out.

This picture I had no idea about until I unloaded the pictures onto my computer. I think its super funny. This is one Baby must have gotten the other night.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Last play date

Baby and his best friend had their last play date about a month ago but since I haven't posted lately I figure I needed to catch up.

I love these 2 together. Baby loves her and would always ask for her to come play or for him to go over there to play.

I was a mess that day. I too had to say bye to my really good friend Erika. She was my first friend I made out here and I love her. We have had so much fun the last year and a half.

Her husband found a job in the Philippines and so they will be living there for about 4 years. I am hoping we can see them at least once a year when they come back to visit.

Here are some cute pictures of our cute kiddos.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Weight watchers

A while ago a friend of mine had told me she was on weigh watchers and explained to me how it works. I told Jon about it since he wants to lose weight and he seemed interested but not enough.

Since the beginning of summer he has lost 20 pounds from biking everywhere but winter is coming soon and he knew biking would not be biking for a few months. So 2 weeks ago he text me while he was at school and tells me he signed up for weight watchers. I was super happy that he decided to do it.

It is super easy to do weight watchers and I have found a great website with yummy weight watchers friendly recipes. He started it right away and so far has lost 8 pounds since starting it. Woohooo! I am so proud of Jon. It is not easy losing weight, especially when you love food as much as we do.

I also started doing it with him to support him and to lose some weight before the holidays when I normally gain around 10 pounds from all the yummy food. Once I get down to the weight I want then I just go into their maintenance phase. I have never done a diet like this. I eat a ton of stuff just not any junk food.

Anyways we will see how the rest of the year goes with this for us.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Potty training

In the spring time this year it seemed like Baby was ready to be potty trained but let's be honest...ummmm....I wasn't.

Is that horrible or what?

Anyways back then I said I would just wait till the fall when we were stuck inside all the time to do it. Well once the fall started I still didn't want to have to do it but we all know as adults we have to do things we don't want so here I am in the mist of potty training.

I started first just having him in underwear during the day while we were home but if we went out or took a nap then I would put a diaper on. I did that for about 3 weeks but nothing else was happening and no progressing so 4 days ago I decided no more diapers during the day, period.

The first day went really well, we had no accidents at all. I did have to ask most of the time if he needs to go and if he does he will say yes. A few times he to,d me himself he had to go "pee pee" and grabbed his thing, haha.

The second day went pretty smooth except for one accident late in the day when he was at the mall with Jon and was having too much fun at the playground. Jon said he stopped moving and Jon knew immediately so he ran to the bathroom but it was too late. He even pooped in the big boy potty in the morning which was amazing since we are having problems with pooping. He will hold it all day until the second we put his diaper on to go to bed.

The third day went great too. He used the potty all day long but again at the mall he had an accident. I knew he needed to go pee but when I took him to the bathroom he refused to go so we walk around and not even 5 minutes later he peed himself.

Today is day number 4 and so far so good other than him pooping in his diaper befor I took it off but we will see how the day goes.

I have decided though that even if it mean I have to do laundry every other day he is no longer wearing a diaper during the day. I am super excited about this but at the same time I cannot believe he is growing so fast. I have to admit I am a little sad but oh well that is life.

Monday, October 10, 2011


I made my second quilt and this one didn't take me as long as my first one.

I had all the material I used for it. I bought the material about a year ago and didn't know what to do with it but I knew some day I would use it.

My sister-in-law came across a pattern for a quilt just like it and she made one for my niece and I fell in love with it so decided to use that material to make one for Baby.

I love how colorful it turned out. Baby is in love with is and will not allow anyone else to use it but him.

Now whenever I go to the fabric store he always finds what he likes and tells me that I need to pay for it. He is too funny and way too smart.

Wednesday, September 21, 2011


My first fully finished quilt!

And it only took me 2 years to finish it...

I feel so happy I was able to finish a quilt.

When I showed Baby the quilt he said "mami I likey, it's pretty, mine?" That boy of mine is truly amazing.

It's not perfect but it is my first quilt and I love it.

Now it's time to start on my next quilt, the next one will be more of a unisex one.

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I love my child

As of late I am really enjoying being his mom.

I always have loved being his mami but lately he is just so stinkin cute, I swear I just wanna eat him up.

He says the funniest things and is such a loveable child.

He has been every single day been giving me kisses nonstop and telling me he loves me all day long. I cannot get enough of this.

I am really hoping this last a while but in the mean time I am just going to take it all in and enjoy it as much as I can.

He is growing so fast it makes me sad sometimes cause pretty soon I won't have him all to myself all the time.

Baby's little girlfriend is leaving us. I am so sad about this because that means I too am loosing a really good friend. They are moving to the Philippines for a few years her husband found an amazing job with an American company. They will have an amazing time out there living in paradise and I am not even joking about that I have seen the pictures and holy cow I think Jon needs to try and get that job once he is done with it.

Anyways, we took Baby and his little friend on a play date to the train station and we had a blast. I took a bunch of pictures because I want to remember them together and how cute they are. When they come back to the states she will be about 7 years old so I wanted to remember them this little.

Saturday, September 10, 2011


Baby has been such a good behaved little boy lately.

I just love being his mom!

I have been having some rough emotional day lately and I try to have those emotional moments either at night or during nap times so that he doesn't see me sad.

However he must know something is up because he has been such a funny little man. He makes me laugh most of the day.

He has been talking more and more. The things he says or comes up with are shocking and his little attitude is kinda cute right now. I am sure as he gets older it won't be so cute but right now it's making my days.

He is also using his imagination so much lately and I cannot get enough of it. We play super heroes all day long. We also play dinosaurs where they are coming to get us and we are able to hide from them.

I am so loving this stage in my little ones life.

Honestly I love nothing more than being his mama!

Saturday, September 3, 2011


I was finally able to get an appointment to go see a therapist who won't try to rob me financially.

I know I need therapy but paying $75 for a 30 minute session just seems a little extreme for me.

I had my first session on the 1st of September and my mom is paid for it however I know she has not told my father that she is doing this and that to me says a lot about him and where he is at right now that my own mother won't tell him how I wanted them to pay for my therapy sessions. Oh well there's nothing I can do about that.

I really liked the therapist and the first sessions was just all over the place but he really got me thinking with some things about my life which is good because they were things I had never thought of before.

From here on out I probably won't be posting too much about that part of my life because I have decided I will keep a personal journal while dealing with it all. No one really wants to hear about my depressing life.

Anyways I do think that therapy is going to help me be able to forgive my father and help me with being able to be happy with every aspect in my life. I know nothing will be perfect cause nothing ever is but I can be happy with imperfection where right now I am not and I bring myself down when I am not perfect in everything.

Sunday, August 21, 2011


Well it's been a good summer but it never last nearly long enough.

Jon goes back to school tomorrow and this semester he needs to kick butt to get he GPA to what he needs it to be so I know he is super nervous. He has a full semester with 2 fairly easy and 2 hard classes. Once he is done with this semester he will only have 3 more till he graduates, yay! However after that he still will have 3 more semesters to get his Masters. So we still have a LONG way to go till he is one with school but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it at the end. I hope at least, haha.

This week I also start working again. I will be working 4 days a week since Jon will be cutting his hours down to make sure he does good this semester.

Life keeps changing all the time!

Friday, August 19, 2011

5 year Anniversary

5 years ago today, at this same time I was on my way up to Lake Arrowhead in California from San Diego. I was getting ready to marry the love of my life in just a few short hours. I remember that day like it was just yesterday.

Our wedding day was beautiful, simple, elegant, romantic and private. A very special day for me. It was held right next to the lake and the pictures are just pure beauty.

I thank the Lord above every single day of my life that I met Jon. I don't think he realizes this but he truly has saved me from what my life would have been other wise. I love that man more than anything in this world. He makes me the happiest person on the planet.

A lot has happened in those 5 years but the most important thing is that we have grown up a lot and grown closer to each other. We know each other better than anyone else. The best thing however that has happened to us in those 5 years has been our son, he is our pride and joy.

I am truly lucky to have him in my life!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

Tour of Utah

We have become a biking family and we love it.

I personally do not bike half as much as my husband does, he normally bikes 100 miles a week, I might do 20 but we do both have road bike and love being able to go out for rides.

So of course whenever you like a sport you really get all into it. This was a fun way to really get into the sport and get to see what the professionals do. The one cool thing about cycling is that this is the only sport where you are able to get so close to the professionals. Like if I extended my hand out I could have touched most of them. Pretty cool.

Anyways once we found out about the Tour of Utah we decided we would be going to at least 3 of the stages and that we did.

The first stage was in Ogden which was perfect and we had fun seeing the guys for the first time. We also went to stage 3 and 4 and we had a blast at stage 4 up at Capital Hill.

Jon's aunt and uncle are into biking BIG time so they flew out here for this and they had a blast and we enjoyed having them out here. I love when family comes out and we get to stay up late talking and just having fun. We all camped out at Jon's sisters house and the kids had fun playing with each other.

This is George Hincapie.

Bob Roll, used to be a cyclist now is a commentator

The guy in the yellow shirt is Levi and he is the guy who won the Tour of Utah

Friday, August 12, 2011

Funny story

With everything going on personally in my life I have been so tempted to drink and I don't mean water. I just feel like I need something to numb me for a few hours. I know this is horrible but it's the truth. I think my dear husband is super worried.

Last week I was making Peruvian roasted chicken and the recipe called for half a can of beer so I send Jon out to get me some for it. He watched me like a hawk and as soon as he saw I was done with the beer he ran over and emptied the rest of it and then tinder the can out. I had to laugh a little cause what does he think I am a crack addict and am going to lick the can to get some beer.

I know that the second you start to drink alcohol or take meds to numb pain is the moment you will get addicted to it because it only numbs you for a little bit and then you will need more. I know that but there are times or days it would be nice. Just saying.....

I know I am LDS I shouldn't be thinking that or let alone saying it but I am:(

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Still no answer

I had told my mom a few days ago that what I wanted from her was for my parents to pay for my therapy sessions and she told me she would talk to my father about it. She made it seem like she thought that was doable.

Well its been almost a week since we had that talk and she barely talks to me, will only call to find out how Baby is doing. She has not mentioned what I said to her at all. I will give her till the middle of the month and then I will ask for an answer.

I know my mother would pay for it but I am just not sure my father would.

Monday, August 8, 2011

Lagoon and lake again

We had bounce backs for Lagoon which meant we could get in for only $10 a person so we decided we had to take advantage of that before it expired. Our friends also had the same thing so after work we all met up there and had an awesome night.

For the first time in over 14 years I actually got on a roller coaster. I am so glad my friend Ashley loves them goes it gave me the push I needed to get on them and my heck did I have a blast. I felt like a teenager again like I didn't have a care in the world for a few minutes. We went on almost all the roller coasters. On the last ride I also pooped myself it was so scary but still super fun.

I am so glad they came along cause it just made it so much more fun. I wish I would have gotten pictures with them but by the time I thought about it, it was dark and the only picture we got Ashley didn't like so I am not putting it up online.

My sister-in-law and her family also came along with my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and my brother which makes it always fun for Baby and he loves seeing his cousins and auntie.

The next day my sister-in-law with her family and my brother met up with us at the lake that we went to last week. We had such a fun time. Baby was a little on the not listening side today but what 2 year doesn't have those days. Heck what grown up doesn't have those days. Baby had so much fun playing with his cousin, uncle and tio. I got to just relax and talk to my sister-in-law and see her precious baby who is getting so big.

The weather today was perfect summer weather too hot and sunny but being right next to water is what makes it perfect. I am going to miss this nice weather that pretty soon will be gone but until it is gone I will enjoy it to the max. Next few week you will find me at the pool just about every day.

Sunday, August 7, 2011


My child is really he thinks we have maids up in here.

I would give him a popsicle and when he was done with it he would either call me to come get it from him or just throw it on the floor. Yeah I finally had to do something. Not only that but he had started dumping all his toys all over the house and would not pick them up. I am not a maid and do not get paid so therefore this behavior needed to come to a stop.

I have heard people giving their young children chores or things they need to do so I figure why not try this. We sat him down and talk to him about what things he needed to help me with and here they are: he must pick up all his toys before going to bed, he must throw out all his trash and diapers and he must help me put away all the utensils after they have been washed. I figured I can't give him too many things to do at this age but he is at least getting the concept that he needs to pull some of his weight in this family.

We also let him know that from now on we will only buy him toys on special occasions but if there are toys he really wants he will have to buy them himself with his allowance money that he gets weekly. If he does all the things he is supposed on a daily basis than he will get $2 a week that he gets to save for things that he really wants.

He already saved enough money to buy himself a spiderman toy that he had been wanting for sometime. I think its pretty cool that he can buy his own things. Throughout the day when he doesn't want to do something I remind him he won't get his allowance so right away he goes and does what he is supposed to.

Friday, August 5, 2011

Am I a good mom?

In the 2 years I have been a mother I have not once heard my mother or father tell me that I am doing a good job. The only thing I have ever heard is that all Baby needs is a good beating and that will set him straight. How dare my father say that right?

I asked my mother the other day why she has never said this to me and she refuses to answer me. She completely changes the subject on me. I got so heated that no matter what I will always be a better mother than she ever was to me. Yup, I know that hurts her but how dare she even after all of this that has happened she not tell me that I am a good mother. She sees that I am not yelling at Baby or hitting him. She sees that my Baby is a happy little boy who for a 2 year old is amazingly behaved.

My mother-in-law tells me every single time she sees me that I am an amazing mother and she will give me examples of why I am. I love that lady. I am sure she does not even know how much that means to me to hear her say that.

Thursday, August 4, 2011


My brother the one I am no longer talking to the other day text me asking if I wanted to go to lunch with him. It was the same day I was at Lagoon so I couldn't go but either way I am not sure I would have gone.

I asked him why after 2 months of not talking would he ask me out to lunch and he says that he was hungry and didn't want to have to go by himself and had no one else to go with. What?? Is he crazy? So I start to think that at this point he just wants to use me like he has done for years now and I let him know that that's using someone. He does not see it that way so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him if maybe he asked me out so we could talk things over and then he tells me that if I am going there to just forget about it. Ummm...yeah this might be a mentally sick person I don't know.

I think because my whole life bad things would happen to all of us and we had to just move on so we would always try to pretend like nothing ever happen and just never talk about it. I am thinking he realizes it sucks not having me in his life but he is not willing to apologize or even talk about it, he just wants to do the normal thing that we have always done in this family but not this time. I let him know that if he wants a relationship with me he will have to apologize to me for the things he said, he will have to acknowledge everything that has happened in our life and stop calling me a liar and he will really have to find out why on God's earth he would ever say the things he said to me. I don't think he will ever do any of that but at least he now knows what he needs to do to have some type of a relationship with me which will never be the same as before.

He actually never really even liked my son. He was super mean to him every single time he would see him. Which makes me sad.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Another melt down

I do not know what is going on with me but I am having these melt downs more often then.

I also have gone from being mad and upset with the whole situation to hating my father and wishing awful things on him. I know this is no bueno.

The other day I flipped on my mother again. She keeps on making excuses for him and I hate hearing it. Anytime she says "I am not defending him but..." yeah if you have to start a sentence that way then she should know better because that to me is defending someone. So yeah I flipped on her, I am sure I probably broke her heart and made her very sad but at this point I kinda don't care. She nor my father cared too much when they were breaking us down so why should I care now is my thinking. While having my melt down I said some really mean things about my father which really hurt her but who cares. She really wants all of this to go away and for me to never bring back up again and that just is not how this works.

She keeps on asking me what I want from her and why I am so angry with her. I have been able to tell her the reasons I am so mad at her and so that is very clear to her but I really do not know what I want from her for me to be able to move on. At this point the only thing I want is to cause her the same amount of pain I am experiencing. I know that is evil and a horrible thing. I also hope that my father is experiencing the same or more pain that I am.

I can honestly say I hate him for everything that he has done to me.

Right after this happened I didn't feel hate I felt sorry for him but I am beyond feeling sorry and this is not good for me. I have so much anger build up inside of me and I need to do something about it. At this point I would love to get the chance to beat the shit out of my father in all honesty. I know that will never happen but I can dream.

I am thinking the next time my mother ask what she can do to make things better that I am going to ask for them to pay for my counseling. They caused me these issues they can pay for them to get fix if they really care about me. I guess I will see what she says.

I really hope that some day soon I can get rid of the hate I have in my heart but it just does not seem possible.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


"If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else."

I am reading Dave Ramsey's "The Total Money Makeover" book which I have heard great things about. My mother-in-law has been trying to get us to even take one of his courses thru the Peace University thing that he does and we were dumb and not willing to accept that we really need this. We are not great at dealing with our finances like most Americans. So finally my mother-in-law just went ahead and got us the book and the billfold that comes with it. I could not be more grateful. I have started reading the book and once I am done I will go with Jon and take the course so I really know how to deal with our finances and get rid of our debt and start building a good savings account and start making smart decisions with out money.

I know the hard part will be actually getting started and not being able to do or get some of the things that we actually enjoy getting or doing but I really need to keep on repeating what his motto says.

Monday, August 1, 2011

Fun at the Lake

One thing that I love about Utah is that there are ton of lakes you can go to during the summer and swim in. Since moving up to Northern Utah 3 years ago we have really started to enjoy this beautiful state so during the summer we normally go multiple times to the lakes.

This year though the weather had been kinda crappy so today was our first time going out to the lake and oh how I have missed it.

The weather was kinda crappy still, we even had rain at some point but that's when most of us decided to get in the water, might as well since we were going to get anyways. It stopped raining quickly and the sun came out shortly there after and we had a blast. My cousin came with her 2 kids and her other son's girlfriend who is pretty cool. My brother and brother-in-law also came with us.

We had so much fun my husband declared we will be going back next week for another fun day at the lake.

On our way back we saw a waterfall and had to get down and take pictures.

Sunday, July 31, 2011


Last year for Jon's birthday I surprised him by getting his whole family to go to Lagoon. He had a blast so we decided we needed to make that a tradition every year.

We of course would never pay full price to get in since it is crazy expensive. My mother-in-laws stake was having their stake day last Thursday and we would get a $14 discount so of course off we all went and it was a blast. It was actually more fun for me than last year. This year Baby enjoyed himself more, had more fun and was able to get on some rides. He was even able to get on a roller coaster can you believe he is tall enough to do that? Holy cow...he is getting too big, this makes me sad. I have decided children should not be allowed to go to amusement parks until they are 2 because before that age it is completely pointless.

Jon had a blast too, he got on every ride he possibly could. Unfortunately I didn't take my camera in out of fear it would get stolen so I only have a few pictures and only of Baby since I spend the whole day with him.

I am so grateful we were able to do this again this year.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

My sunshine

Postpartum depression is really hard.

As I am such any depression is.

For me it felt like I was living in a black hole or tunnel that had no end but there were moments when I would look at my son and everything would seem perfect. Those were the moments that made me hopeful that I could get out of that hole or tunnel and that at some point everything would be ok.

During that time I started singing to Baby this song:
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I love that song and it truly is how I feel about Baby. He came into my life at the perfect time. He really became my sunshine in my dark world. Had he not come I would probably be divorced and miserable.

I am so lucky to have my husband and my son in my life. They are the 2 most important people in my life. They have honestly saved me from a horrible life. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for them. I could not be more in love with these 2 amazing men. I love you guys.

Friday, July 29, 2011


I forgot to write about this and I want to remember it so I better write about it.

On Saturday night when we got home there was a bouquet of roses with a happy birthday card waiting for me at my door. This totally made for a perfect ending to my already perfect day.

Actually I have been having a lot of perfect days lately and I could not be more happy about it.

Anyways when I first saw them I thought it might be my neighbors but then quickly remembered that they are in St. George on vacation. My next thought then was maybe my visiting teachers not like they have come enough to like me that much but hey whatever right. However as soon as I opened the card I thought it looked like my brothers hand writing, you know the brother I am no longer talking to. So I called my mother to see if maybe she knew if they came from him which she didn't but she did say that he had asked her a few days prior what my favorite flowers were. I am really thinking it was him to left them for me.

That was a really sweet gesture on his behalf considering how rude and mean he was to mean just a month ago. It was much appreciated.

Maybe he is realizing the huge mistake he can only hope right?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Conclusion about my mother

After much thought I have decided that my own mother's family must have been a mess.

You do not grow up in a normal household with loving parents then get married and allow abuse to happen in your home.

She thought this was normal and okay.

After some investigating I now know for a fact that my grandfather was not the perfect man everyone made him out to be. My grandfather passed away when I was 4 years old so there are not too many memories of him there, other than his last days on this earth and his funeral. So my opinion of him was always what all my aunts and uncles said about him which was short of him being a Savior. Honestly they made him seem like a perfect human being.

I have found out that he was abusive sexually to some people. There are rumors that he fathered a child with my grandmother's sister while they were married.

I have also found out that my grandmother was extremely abusive. Physically, verbally and emotionally. She would beat children to the point of passing out. My mother herself told me of one time she was hit so much she became super sick for weeks and would not eat or leave the bed, she was about 7 then. There are also rumors that my grandmother cheated on my grandfather too.

I also know that my grandmother went almost 10 years barely speaking to my mother while at the same time expecting my mother to give her most of her paycheck to her mother.

It just all makes sense now though. This is the reason my mother has allowed this behavior, she grew up with it and so for her its normal and she cannot understand how I can be making a huge deal about it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

My melt down

Today my mother-in-law was supposed to hang out with Baby and I. For some reason, maybe she forgot or something it didn't happen.

For some weird reason this brought back some feelings of when I was little and it brought back a memory that I haven't thought about in a very long time. I got really upset that I was screwed over because that's really how I felt even thought I am sure it wasn't done on purpose.

This is why I hate what my father has done to me because any little thing can trigger off a major explosion and unless you know me and know what I am going thru you will just think I am crazy. He has completely ruined me emotionally for the rest of my life, I don't even know if this is fixable. I hope he endures my pain and some cause this really sucks.

The memory that it brought back was when I was 8 years old, which is at the age the mormons get baptized, my father at the time was living in the USA and we were living in Costa Rica. I was told that he was going to be coming down to baptize me himself, how excited I was about this since I had not seen him in at least a year. Well he failed me and didn't show up then the other person they asked to do it didn't show up either so they just had to ask someone who was in attendance to it. I remember as a little kid this hurting really bad. I had talked about my father coming to baptize me and when it didn't happen I started making up lies in my head and to people about it. Ever since then when I would go to a baptism I would always remember that on my baptism day I wasn't really happy. He got to baptize all my other siblings just not me.

I think that made me feel not worthy or less than and those are feelings that have carried on so far in my life.

My mother called today and asked how I was doing and I told her not good emotionally and she must have said something the triggered me to go off. I kinda feel bad that I yelled not at her but in general but I had so many things I needed to get off my chest today. One of them was how he has really ruined me emotionally. I will never feel pretty enough, skinny enough, a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter or good at anything I ever do. How dare someone do this to their child. My mother of course tells me not to talk about my father the way I was talking about him that I need to have love in my heart. Well I wish he had had love in his heart and I wish that he had loved me as a daughter of God but he didn't. I am starting to believe he hated me.

Not only has he ruined me but he has ruined my family we will never again be a family. How sad...I will end right here before I say some nasty things about him.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Going sugar free....ahhhh!

Baby has been throwing tantrums way too much lately and going to bed super late. I am talking about he is not going to bed until 12 or 1am.

Yeah that's a big no no and I am starting to believe that it is all connected.

Since we are back from vacation and won't be doing much I have decided I am detoxing this boy from refined sugars. He can have all the fruit he wants and some honey but that is about it. I am doing this for 3 weeks and after 3 weeks I will bring back juice into his diet but I will start to water it down.

My hope is that he will start going to bed at a normal time, that we don't have as many tantrums and that fruits and veggies will taste sweeter to him so he will want to eat them more often.

I am also doing the same thing as I believe sugar is the reason I am running low on energy all the time and am craving sweets and breads every single night. I need to change my eating habits for good.

Day 1 went pretty good. We had one mayor tantrum but more than anything else it was because I wasn't paying attention to him. He ate what I served him all day long. He did look like a crack head at one point checking every where for candy once he realized I was not giving in to his request. He is so funny!

Day 2 went okay for the most part. I know for myself I was craving sugar more that day but I didn't cave in. Baby however was on a mission. He found the unfrozen otter pops and tried to bite them open when that didn't work he put them on the ground and started jumping on them until they popped then he started licking the juice off his hands. I was so shocked with what I was seeing I couldn't even stop him. That was a lot of thinking behind him getting some sweats. The rest of the day went pretty well. Barely any tantrums and off to bed early.

Day 3 was a failure. Is started pretty good but went down heel after lunch. We took him to see Captain America and mom-mom joined us. She was not aware of our no sugar deal and got soda. I tried keeping Baby with us the whole time but he was determined to get some soda and when he did he was super giddy. He called me and said "look mami, I drinking it" with a huge smile. So there went that and then we go to dinner and mom-mom ordered some amazing donuts with a chocolate and raspberry sauce, yeah I gave in too.

Well it was a good try. I am trying to still control the sugar intake and no more juice unless it's 100% juice and I will try and give him the sugary things in the morning so bed time won't be a struggle.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Vacation again

We went to Vegas again!

I love Vegas.


We had a blast.

I got a beautiful sun tan going on and so does my little munchkin. He is learning to float in the deep end of the pool with floaties on and its the cutest thing in the world. Baby and I were at the pool every single day we were there but by the last day I think he was done with the water.

We got another amazing deal with room and food so we figured might as well use our vacation money towards it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I might be too personal

I have heard from some people that the things I have been posting are too personal and that maybe I should not post about it.

First of all I have to laugh because its not their life.

Second of all if you don't want to read it because you feel weird reading it or you think I post too many personal things then you kinda don't have to come back and read what I post every time, right?

Third if you really don't want me posting about personal things then pay for me to go see a therapist and if you can't then keep your trap shut. Honestly I am sick and tired of hearing people say I "say too much".

People I am not writing to get pity like I have said before. This is my way of getting everything that I have bottled up inside me out. This is very therapeutic to me. To be able to put all those things out in the world has been more therapeutic than anything else. Yeah if I was going to a therapist I probably would not post as much info but I am not because we cannot afford it so I will continue to post more things.

Plus the people who really know me know that I have always spoken my mind I normally don't sugar coat things and if I am asked something I will tell you the truth. It gets me in trouble a lot of times but that's me. My husband knew what he was getting himself into so there...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I meant to post this before going on vacation

As you get older you kind of not have a choice but to be nice to your children. Especially if you do not have money saved up for your retirement.

It will get to a point where you will have to depend on your children and so you really do need to have a really good relationship with them. Plus as sad as it made sound they may be the ones pulling the plug so for crying aloud be nice to them.

I have told my mother that my father has ruined a lot. As he gets older and will not be able to work who is he going to depend on financially? Not me or my brother that's for such. He has 2 other choices my sister who I doubt will and my other brother which maybe he will so he might get lucky but at this point I will not be helping him. If I do I will make sure that once death is knocking on his door I remind him of everything he has done so he can be scared crapless to meet his creator. That sounds really mean I know but that's how I feel right now and I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things.

I have told my mother that now that we are grown adults she kinda just has to accept us for who we are and what we choose to do with out life. I mean she doesn't have to accept it but then she can't be apart of my life. If she wants to be apart of it just accept me for who I am and that's that.

Friday, July 15, 2011

My perfect week continues

Monday I had the best night. We as a little family went downtown in Ogden to see the horse statues that they put out all over. They are pretty cool. Baby went crazy over them. We had so much fun just walking around. Then we headed to a playground and right next to it was the amphitheater that I didn't even know existed. They were having a band play for a little bit and then they have a movie. They do this every Monday during the summer, how fun is that? I think from now till the end of summer we are heading over there for dinner and a movie because it just sounds like a blast. We didn't stay the whole time since we didn't take any blankets or anything to lay on and we headed off to get some ice cream. When we got back we went to our neighbors house to see how their vacation went. Gosh I just love them!

On Tuesday I had my mother and my sister over for lunch since I figure my mother is trying to make an effort I will to. My sister hasn't really known how to deal with this whole family situation so she is just outright mean to my mom so hopefully by having us do something neutral together it will help with their relationship. I probably shouldn't worry too much about their relationship only mine but that's my nature.

On Wednesday we went down to SLC spend some time with my father-in-law which was nice seeing him. Baby had fun being with pop-pop. Then we went out to dinner with my best friend and his girlfriend who we happen to love. She is such a sweet down to earth person and totally loves Baby which is a plus because it makes hanging out easier.

On Thursday I had lunch at the Gateway with my best-friend and her family. I had so much fun with them. I love hanging out with them. We used to live right across from one another and I wish we still did. I hate moving and not being able to see the people I love on a daily basis.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This totally made sense

Someone posted this on facebook today and it totally made sense to me so I thought I would share.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah Winfrey

Maybe this is the way I need to look at forgiveness as because it makes it easier for me to forgive, I think.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Things that make me happy

My husband makes me super happy. He is the funniest person I know. If you know him you know how he can have a room full of people dying laughing for hours. If you do not know him, Kevin James really reminds me of my husband. I feel like our lives are similar to the show King of Queens. We have a blast together and there is always tons of laughter in our home. Neither of us take ourselves too serious.

My son also makes me the happiest mama around. He is such a funny kid to be around. There are days that are hard but for the most part he is the cutest kid ever. I wish I knew what went through his head because just the little bit of things he is able to say he has me laughing so hard for most of the day. Once he is actually able to fully talk it should be interesting to hear what he thinks. He thinks farts are the funniest things and will call anyone out when he hears them fart and laughs at them.

Having a pool that we can go to every single day makes it so much fun. Any time Baby is having a rough day I just take him to the pool and that totally changes his mood.

This one is kinda weird but I love the fact that we live right by a ton of farms. I love driving just by my house and seeing horses, cows, goats, chickens you name it they have it around here. I love the feel that I live in the country without really living in the country.

I also love living close to the air base here because we hear the planes going by all day long. Baby loves planes so this totally makes his day. We sometimes go outside and just look up at the sky and wait for planes to go by. They go by all day long.

I want to keep on looking at the positive things in my life because it make me happier when I do that. Life is what it is so I just need to make the best of it because I cannot change what happens in life I can only change my actions towards whats happening in life.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The positive side of things

I am trying to look at the positive in this whole situation.

You know just to make myself feel better about what has happened in my life.

There has to be a reason why I had to go thru all of this or at least I would like to believe that. I know years from now I will look back and realize what good things came out of this but for now I'll just name a few things that have happened that I keep telling myself are good things that have come out of this.

The one thing that having to go through this in my life has made me realize is that first I have an anger problem just like my father that I truly need help with but until I can get the help I have to work really hard every single day to fight that side of me. Growing up I was a really angry person. I remember I was the angriest between 18-21, I feel bad for those people that had to witness me during that period of my life. I really unleashed on anyone and everyone. I wanted to fight everyone for some crazy reason. Once I met and married my husband I do no know what changed or happened maybe I realized to keep him around I actually needed to control myself a bit and I probably was a little more mature and happier than I had ever been. My anger started to go away little by little. I still have a lot of work but I know that with the Lords help I can do it.

Second that I do not want to be like my father in any way. I want Baby to remember me as a loving mother who he can trust and depend on and feel safe with. I am making sure that this boy will never know what being spanked or punished physically will feel like. I am also making sure that he is never emotionally or verbally abused. I will tell him every day of his life how much he means to me and how awesome he truly is. I do not see anything wrong with your child thinking he rocks!

When I started to talk about this publicly I had such an amazing response from unexpected people. There were tons of people messaging me letting me know that they had gone through the same thing as I had. It still shocks me that so many people go through this. I had people calling and texting me asking how I was doing almost on a daily basis.

I know now that I have gained some pretty awesome friends who I am sure I will keep in my life forever.

For a long time I was having a hard time feeling like I didn't have friends and it really made me sad. I prayed a lot to my Heavenly Father about this and now through this whole thing I have made some pretty good friends. Funny how things work. These people actually get me because most of them have been through similar things.

I also think my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. He has been such an amazing support system for me and has just been so sweet with listening to me and letting me cry it out. His family especially his mom has been super sweet with me and has made me feel so loved.

Monday, July 11, 2011

My birthday weekend

I have never celebrated my birthday for a whole weekend but this year I did.

I deserve it, right? Oh well even if I don't I wanted to and my husband being the great guy he is went along with it and made it the best birthday EVER.

It started Friday by my husband coming home early from work which never happens on Fridays, those are his long days where I barely see him. As soon as he got home he told me he was taking me out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to go to Zupas and get a salad for dinner. I saw they were opening one near us and so we headed over that way and it was closed, boo. No problem though they have my favorite fish taco place right by there so we head on over and guess what? They are closed for good, what? By this point its almost 7pm and I have not eaten since 1pm and if you know me if I am hungry and you do not feed me it is not okay. So I start talking to myself telling myself that I will be ok, hahaha. My husband was dying laughing as I was talking to myself. Poor guy what he has to deal with anyways...we ended up just going to Chili's, so boring but oh well at least I got food in me and I got to have a really yummy chocolate cake. Then we head on over to the movies, I wanted to watch Zoo Keeper. We got to the first movie theater 20 minutes after it started, really? Everything was just going wrong but I didn't let that bother me cause we were down town and for the month of July they have horse status on every block and that just made Baby's day. It was really cute seeing him talking to the horse and trying to climb them. We finally made it to another movie theater and got to see that movie which was really good. I love Kevin James so I knew I would like this movie.

On Saturday my mother took my sister, Baby and I out to lunch. This has never happened so I was very happy she called to take us out. We had a yummy lunch and after that we headed to Ross where she bought me some cute sandals. My husband also gave me some birthday money to go spend and get some cute summer clothes with so I got myself some cute shirts. My sister bought me a beach/pool bag that I have been wanting for some time as my birthday gift. After that I came home and my sister watched Baby while I ran to Kohl's to get some short. Finally I made it home and took a little nap while I waited for Jon to get back from his bike ride. After that we headed out to dinner at Mimi's Cafe, yummm! My brother then took my to Old Navy to buy me some not so mommyish bathing suit (in his words). He got me 2 really cute ones. After that I headed over to my cousins house to hang out for a minute which is always fun. While there she gave me my birthday present which was a sweet watch. I love the color. Plus some lingerie, of course Jon was happy about that. We finally made it home so I could bake my cake for Sunday.

On Sunday I got to sleep in since Baby didn't wake up until after 9:30am. It was much appreciated. I got up and was just lazy all morning with a little bit of cleaning. Then my cousin came over to hang out all day with me. We headed out to the pool and were there for about 3 hours. I had so much fun. Good talks plus amazing people plus yummy treats=a good time for me. Once we headed back inside it was time to cook dinner. My cousin and dear husband made some amazing food. Then we ate my yummy tres leches cake. I also got a pedicure from my cousin she is awesome at doing nails.

All in all I had one amazing birthday weekend!