Sunday, July 31, 2011


Last year for Jon's birthday I surprised him by getting his whole family to go to Lagoon. He had a blast so we decided we needed to make that a tradition every year.

We of course would never pay full price to get in since it is crazy expensive. My mother-in-laws stake was having their stake day last Thursday and we would get a $14 discount so of course off we all went and it was a blast. It was actually more fun for me than last year. This year Baby enjoyed himself more, had more fun and was able to get on some rides. He was even able to get on a roller coaster can you believe he is tall enough to do that? Holy cow...he is getting too big, this makes me sad. I have decided children should not be allowed to go to amusement parks until they are 2 because before that age it is completely pointless.

Jon had a blast too, he got on every ride he possibly could. Unfortunately I didn't take my camera in out of fear it would get stolen so I only have a few pictures and only of Baby since I spend the whole day with him.

I am so grateful we were able to do this again this year.

Saturday, July 30, 2011

My sunshine

Postpartum depression is really hard.

As I am such any depression is.

For me it felt like I was living in a black hole or tunnel that had no end but there were moments when I would look at my son and everything would seem perfect. Those were the moments that made me hopeful that I could get out of that hole or tunnel and that at some point everything would be ok.

During that time I started singing to Baby this song:
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I love that song and it truly is how I feel about Baby. He came into my life at the perfect time. He really became my sunshine in my dark world. Had he not come I would probably be divorced and miserable.

I am so lucky to have my husband and my son in my life. They are the 2 most important people in my life. They have honestly saved me from a horrible life. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for them. I could not be more in love with these 2 amazing men. I love you guys.

Friday, July 29, 2011


I forgot to write about this and I want to remember it so I better write about it.

On Saturday night when we got home there was a bouquet of roses with a happy birthday card waiting for me at my door. This totally made for a perfect ending to my already perfect day.

Actually I have been having a lot of perfect days lately and I could not be more happy about it.

Anyways when I first saw them I thought it might be my neighbors but then quickly remembered that they are in St. George on vacation. My next thought then was maybe my visiting teachers not like they have come enough to like me that much but hey whatever right. However as soon as I opened the card I thought it looked like my brothers hand writing, you know the brother I am no longer talking to. So I called my mother to see if maybe she knew if they came from him which she didn't but she did say that he had asked her a few days prior what my favorite flowers were. I am really thinking it was him to left them for me.

That was a really sweet gesture on his behalf considering how rude and mean he was to mean just a month ago. It was much appreciated.

Maybe he is realizing the huge mistake he can only hope right?

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

Conclusion about my mother

After much thought I have decided that my own mother's family must have been a mess.

You do not grow up in a normal household with loving parents then get married and allow abuse to happen in your home.

She thought this was normal and okay.

After some investigating I now know for a fact that my grandfather was not the perfect man everyone made him out to be. My grandfather passed away when I was 4 years old so there are not too many memories of him there, other than his last days on this earth and his funeral. So my opinion of him was always what all my aunts and uncles said about him which was short of him being a Savior. Honestly they made him seem like a perfect human being.

I have found out that he was abusive sexually to some people. There are rumors that he fathered a child with my grandmother's sister while they were married.

I have also found out that my grandmother was extremely abusive. Physically, verbally and emotionally. She would beat children to the point of passing out. My mother herself told me of one time she was hit so much she became super sick for weeks and would not eat or leave the bed, she was about 7 then. There are also rumors that my grandmother cheated on my grandfather too.

I also know that my grandmother went almost 10 years barely speaking to my mother while at the same time expecting my mother to give her most of her paycheck to her mother.

It just all makes sense now though. This is the reason my mother has allowed this behavior, she grew up with it and so for her its normal and she cannot understand how I can be making a huge deal about it.

Monday, July 25, 2011

My melt down

Today my mother-in-law was supposed to hang out with Baby and I. For some reason, maybe she forgot or something it didn't happen.

For some weird reason this brought back some feelings of when I was little and it brought back a memory that I haven't thought about in a very long time. I got really upset that I was screwed over because that's really how I felt even thought I am sure it wasn't done on purpose.

This is why I hate what my father has done to me because any little thing can trigger off a major explosion and unless you know me and know what I am going thru you will just think I am crazy. He has completely ruined me emotionally for the rest of my life, I don't even know if this is fixable. I hope he endures my pain and some cause this really sucks.

The memory that it brought back was when I was 8 years old, which is at the age the mormons get baptized, my father at the time was living in the USA and we were living in Costa Rica. I was told that he was going to be coming down to baptize me himself, how excited I was about this since I had not seen him in at least a year. Well he failed me and didn't show up then the other person they asked to do it didn't show up either so they just had to ask someone who was in attendance to it. I remember as a little kid this hurting really bad. I had talked about my father coming to baptize me and when it didn't happen I started making up lies in my head and to people about it. Ever since then when I would go to a baptism I would always remember that on my baptism day I wasn't really happy. He got to baptize all my other siblings just not me.

I think that made me feel not worthy or less than and those are feelings that have carried on so far in my life.

My mother called today and asked how I was doing and I told her not good emotionally and she must have said something the triggered me to go off. I kinda feel bad that I yelled not at her but in general but I had so many things I needed to get off my chest today. One of them was how he has really ruined me emotionally. I will never feel pretty enough, skinny enough, a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter or good at anything I ever do. How dare someone do this to their child. My mother of course tells me not to talk about my father the way I was talking about him that I need to have love in my heart. Well I wish he had had love in his heart and I wish that he had loved me as a daughter of God but he didn't. I am starting to believe he hated me.

Not only has he ruined me but he has ruined my family we will never again be a family. How sad...I will end right here before I say some nasty things about him.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Going sugar free....ahhhh!

Baby has been throwing tantrums way too much lately and going to bed super late. I am talking about he is not going to bed until 12 or 1am.

Yeah that's a big no no and I am starting to believe that it is all connected.

Since we are back from vacation and won't be doing much I have decided I am detoxing this boy from refined sugars. He can have all the fruit he wants and some honey but that is about it. I am doing this for 3 weeks and after 3 weeks I will bring back juice into his diet but I will start to water it down.

My hope is that he will start going to bed at a normal time, that we don't have as many tantrums and that fruits and veggies will taste sweeter to him so he will want to eat them more often.

I am also doing the same thing as I believe sugar is the reason I am running low on energy all the time and am craving sweets and breads every single night. I need to change my eating habits for good.

Day 1 went pretty good. We had one mayor tantrum but more than anything else it was because I wasn't paying attention to him. He ate what I served him all day long. He did look like a crack head at one point checking every where for candy once he realized I was not giving in to his request. He is so funny!

Day 2 went okay for the most part. I know for myself I was craving sugar more that day but I didn't cave in. Baby however was on a mission. He found the unfrozen otter pops and tried to bite them open when that didn't work he put them on the ground and started jumping on them until they popped then he started licking the juice off his hands. I was so shocked with what I was seeing I couldn't even stop him. That was a lot of thinking behind him getting some sweats. The rest of the day went pretty well. Barely any tantrums and off to bed early.

Day 3 was a failure. Is started pretty good but went down heel after lunch. We took him to see Captain America and mom-mom joined us. She was not aware of our no sugar deal and got soda. I tried keeping Baby with us the whole time but he was determined to get some soda and when he did he was super giddy. He called me and said "look mami, I drinking it" with a huge smile. So there went that and then we go to dinner and mom-mom ordered some amazing donuts with a chocolate and raspberry sauce, yeah I gave in too.

Well it was a good try. I am trying to still control the sugar intake and no more juice unless it's 100% juice and I will try and give him the sugary things in the morning so bed time won't be a struggle.

Thursday, July 21, 2011

Vacation again

We went to Vegas again!

I love Vegas.


We had a blast.

I got a beautiful sun tan going on and so does my little munchkin. He is learning to float in the deep end of the pool with floaties on and its the cutest thing in the world. Baby and I were at the pool every single day we were there but by the last day I think he was done with the water.

We got another amazing deal with room and food so we figured might as well use our vacation money towards it.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

I might be too personal

I have heard from some people that the things I have been posting are too personal and that maybe I should not post about it.

First of all I have to laugh because its not their life.

Second of all if you don't want to read it because you feel weird reading it or you think I post too many personal things then you kinda don't have to come back and read what I post every time, right?

Third if you really don't want me posting about personal things then pay for me to go see a therapist and if you can't then keep your trap shut. Honestly I am sick and tired of hearing people say I "say too much".

People I am not writing to get pity like I have said before. This is my way of getting everything that I have bottled up inside me out. This is very therapeutic to me. To be able to put all those things out in the world has been more therapeutic than anything else. Yeah if I was going to a therapist I probably would not post as much info but I am not because we cannot afford it so I will continue to post more things.

Plus the people who really know me know that I have always spoken my mind I normally don't sugar coat things and if I am asked something I will tell you the truth. It gets me in trouble a lot of times but that's me. My husband knew what he was getting himself into so there...

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I meant to post this before going on vacation

As you get older you kind of not have a choice but to be nice to your children. Especially if you do not have money saved up for your retirement.

It will get to a point where you will have to depend on your children and so you really do need to have a really good relationship with them. Plus as sad as it made sound they may be the ones pulling the plug so for crying aloud be nice to them.

I have told my mother that my father has ruined a lot. As he gets older and will not be able to work who is he going to depend on financially? Not me or my brother that's for such. He has 2 other choices my sister who I doubt will and my other brother which maybe he will so he might get lucky but at this point I will not be helping him. If I do I will make sure that once death is knocking on his door I remind him of everything he has done so he can be scared crapless to meet his creator. That sounds really mean I know but that's how I feel right now and I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things.

I have told my mother that now that we are grown adults she kinda just has to accept us for who we are and what we choose to do with out life. I mean she doesn't have to accept it but then she can't be apart of my life. If she wants to be apart of it just accept me for who I am and that's that.

Friday, July 15, 2011

My perfect week continues

Monday I had the best night. We as a little family went downtown in Ogden to see the horse statues that they put out all over. They are pretty cool. Baby went crazy over them. We had so much fun just walking around. Then we headed to a playground and right next to it was the amphitheater that I didn't even know existed. They were having a band play for a little bit and then they have a movie. They do this every Monday during the summer, how fun is that? I think from now till the end of summer we are heading over there for dinner and a movie because it just sounds like a blast. We didn't stay the whole time since we didn't take any blankets or anything to lay on and we headed off to get some ice cream. When we got back we went to our neighbors house to see how their vacation went. Gosh I just love them!

On Tuesday I had my mother and my sister over for lunch since I figure my mother is trying to make an effort I will to. My sister hasn't really known how to deal with this whole family situation so she is just outright mean to my mom so hopefully by having us do something neutral together it will help with their relationship. I probably shouldn't worry too much about their relationship only mine but that's my nature.

On Wednesday we went down to SLC spend some time with my father-in-law which was nice seeing him. Baby had fun being with pop-pop. Then we went out to dinner with my best friend and his girlfriend who we happen to love. She is such a sweet down to earth person and totally loves Baby which is a plus because it makes hanging out easier.

On Thursday I had lunch at the Gateway with my best-friend and her family. I had so much fun with them. I love hanging out with them. We used to live right across from one another and I wish we still did. I hate moving and not being able to see the people I love on a daily basis.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

This totally made sense

Someone posted this on facebook today and it totally made sense to me so I thought I would share.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah Winfrey

Maybe this is the way I need to look at forgiveness as because it makes it easier for me to forgive, I think.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

Things that make me happy

My husband makes me super happy. He is the funniest person I know. If you know him you know how he can have a room full of people dying laughing for hours. If you do not know him, Kevin James really reminds me of my husband. I feel like our lives are similar to the show King of Queens. We have a blast together and there is always tons of laughter in our home. Neither of us take ourselves too serious.

My son also makes me the happiest mama around. He is such a funny kid to be around. There are days that are hard but for the most part he is the cutest kid ever. I wish I knew what went through his head because just the little bit of things he is able to say he has me laughing so hard for most of the day. Once he is actually able to fully talk it should be interesting to hear what he thinks. He thinks farts are the funniest things and will call anyone out when he hears them fart and laughs at them.

Having a pool that we can go to every single day makes it so much fun. Any time Baby is having a rough day I just take him to the pool and that totally changes his mood.

This one is kinda weird but I love the fact that we live right by a ton of farms. I love driving just by my house and seeing horses, cows, goats, chickens you name it they have it around here. I love the feel that I live in the country without really living in the country.

I also love living close to the air base here because we hear the planes going by all day long. Baby loves planes so this totally makes his day. We sometimes go outside and just look up at the sky and wait for planes to go by. They go by all day long.

I want to keep on looking at the positive things in my life because it make me happier when I do that. Life is what it is so I just need to make the best of it because I cannot change what happens in life I can only change my actions towards whats happening in life.

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

The positive side of things

I am trying to look at the positive in this whole situation.

You know just to make myself feel better about what has happened in my life.

There has to be a reason why I had to go thru all of this or at least I would like to believe that. I know years from now I will look back and realize what good things came out of this but for now I'll just name a few things that have happened that I keep telling myself are good things that have come out of this.

The one thing that having to go through this in my life has made me realize is that first I have an anger problem just like my father that I truly need help with but until I can get the help I have to work really hard every single day to fight that side of me. Growing up I was a really angry person. I remember I was the angriest between 18-21, I feel bad for those people that had to witness me during that period of my life. I really unleashed on anyone and everyone. I wanted to fight everyone for some crazy reason. Once I met and married my husband I do no know what changed or happened maybe I realized to keep him around I actually needed to control myself a bit and I probably was a little more mature and happier than I had ever been. My anger started to go away little by little. I still have a lot of work but I know that with the Lords help I can do it.

Second that I do not want to be like my father in any way. I want Baby to remember me as a loving mother who he can trust and depend on and feel safe with. I am making sure that this boy will never know what being spanked or punished physically will feel like. I am also making sure that he is never emotionally or verbally abused. I will tell him every day of his life how much he means to me and how awesome he truly is. I do not see anything wrong with your child thinking he rocks!

When I started to talk about this publicly I had such an amazing response from unexpected people. There were tons of people messaging me letting me know that they had gone through the same thing as I had. It still shocks me that so many people go through this. I had people calling and texting me asking how I was doing almost on a daily basis.

I know now that I have gained some pretty awesome friends who I am sure I will keep in my life forever.

For a long time I was having a hard time feeling like I didn't have friends and it really made me sad. I prayed a lot to my Heavenly Father about this and now through this whole thing I have made some pretty good friends. Funny how things work. These people actually get me because most of them have been through similar things.

I also think my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. He has been such an amazing support system for me and has just been so sweet with listening to me and letting me cry it out. His family especially his mom has been super sweet with me and has made me feel so loved.

Monday, July 11, 2011

My birthday weekend

I have never celebrated my birthday for a whole weekend but this year I did.

I deserve it, right? Oh well even if I don't I wanted to and my husband being the great guy he is went along with it and made it the best birthday EVER.

It started Friday by my husband coming home early from work which never happens on Fridays, those are his long days where I barely see him. As soon as he got home he told me he was taking me out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to go to Zupas and get a salad for dinner. I saw they were opening one near us and so we headed over that way and it was closed, boo. No problem though they have my favorite fish taco place right by there so we head on over and guess what? They are closed for good, what? By this point its almost 7pm and I have not eaten since 1pm and if you know me if I am hungry and you do not feed me it is not okay. So I start talking to myself telling myself that I will be ok, hahaha. My husband was dying laughing as I was talking to myself. Poor guy what he has to deal with anyways...we ended up just going to Chili's, so boring but oh well at least I got food in me and I got to have a really yummy chocolate cake. Then we head on over to the movies, I wanted to watch Zoo Keeper. We got to the first movie theater 20 minutes after it started, really? Everything was just going wrong but I didn't let that bother me cause we were down town and for the month of July they have horse status on every block and that just made Baby's day. It was really cute seeing him talking to the horse and trying to climb them. We finally made it to another movie theater and got to see that movie which was really good. I love Kevin James so I knew I would like this movie.

On Saturday my mother took my sister, Baby and I out to lunch. This has never happened so I was very happy she called to take us out. We had a yummy lunch and after that we headed to Ross where she bought me some cute sandals. My husband also gave me some birthday money to go spend and get some cute summer clothes with so I got myself some cute shirts. My sister bought me a beach/pool bag that I have been wanting for some time as my birthday gift. After that I came home and my sister watched Baby while I ran to Kohl's to get some short. Finally I made it home and took a little nap while I waited for Jon to get back from his bike ride. After that we headed out to dinner at Mimi's Cafe, yummm! My brother then took my to Old Navy to buy me some not so mommyish bathing suit (in his words). He got me 2 really cute ones. After that I headed over to my cousins house to hang out for a minute which is always fun. While there she gave me my birthday present which was a sweet watch. I love the color. Plus some lingerie, of course Jon was happy about that. We finally made it home so I could bake my cake for Sunday.

On Sunday I got to sleep in since Baby didn't wake up until after 9:30am. It was much appreciated. I got up and was just lazy all morning with a little bit of cleaning. Then my cousin came over to hang out all day with me. We headed out to the pool and were there for about 3 hours. I had so much fun. Good talks plus amazing people plus yummy treats=a good time for me. Once we headed back inside it was time to cook dinner. My cousin and dear husband made some amazing food. Then we ate my yummy tres leches cake. I also got a pedicure from my cousin she is awesome at doing nails.

All in all I had one amazing birthday weekend!

Sunday, July 10, 2011


It's my birthday today, yay!

I love birthdays and I love celebrating birthdays.

I am turning 27 years old day and to be honest this year actually has felt a little different and I feel older.

All my other birthdays have felt the same I never felt like I was aging but this birthday has been kinda emotional for me.

At least I am still in my 20's right?

I am such a nerd cause 27 really is not that old maybe I just feel more mature and that's always a good thing.

Since baking is what makes me happy I will be making my own birthday cake which is a tres leches, my all time favorite dessert to eat. If you have never heard of this you must go ahead and make it. I am including my own personal recipe so you have no reason to not make it now, ha. Enjoy!

Tres Leches

you will need:

6 eggs
1 cup of flour
1 cup of sugar
vanilla extract
1 can evaporated milk
1 can condensed milk
1 can of milk
1 container of whipped cream
1 can of fruit salad

Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9x13 inch pan.

Put the egg white in the mixing bowl and mix on medium speed for about a minute or longer just make sure the egg whites are to the point you can create peaks. Slowly pour in the 1 cup of sugar and mix for about 30 seconds.

Then pour one egg yolk at a time until all 6 egg yolks are mixed in.

Then slowly pour in the 1 cup of flour and mix well and pour in the vanilla extract. I just eyeball the it and I like using a lot of vanilla extract so just put in what you like. It can even be rum extract or any other kind you might have at hand.

Pour onto you cake pan and cook for 30 minutes.

Once cake is done take it out and with a butter knife poke holes all over the cake and put aside.

In a blender mix all 3 milk and blend for about a minutes. I sometime put strawberries in to give it a fruity flavor but you don't have to and I am not today. Then pour the milky mixture over the cake. It will seem like way too much milk but trust me it will not be and the cake will soak it all in. Do this while the cake is still warm.

Let the cake completely cool down and then spread the whipped cream on top and the put any fruit you like or like I do spread some canned fruit over the top and voila!

Friday, July 8, 2011

My new shoes

So I had been hearing about these shoes called TOMS.

Have you heard about them?

Well apparently they are pretty cool right now and every has a pair.

I really like them so I went to the store to check them out and holy cow! They were expensive like $60 dollars and to me right now that is way too much money to be spending on just one pair of shoe. I know I am cheap but her when you are low on cash there are things you just cannot afford.

I was so sad so I went over to Famous Footwear to see about getting Baby some comfy summer shoe. I happened to ask the lady if they sold TOMS since they were having a buy one get one half off sale. She told me that Sketchers have the BOBS which look just like it and they are only $29. Perfect, right?

Well I went over to another shoe store at the mall since they didn't have anything for Baby and I found another paid of shoes that look similar to the TOMS but for only $22. Heck yeah! So guess what I bought myself that pair since I could afford those.

Yes I really did need to write about them because they made me very happy. Retail therapy really does work well maybe not for ever but momentarily it made me happy.

Thursday, July 7, 2011

My stress reliever

I have always loved baking more than cooking but since all this family drama has started baking has become a stress reliever for me.

So I tend to do it mostly every night.

My new thing to bake is bread which I never before had the guts to do but somehow I have figured it out. Yeast is turning out to be my friend.

I no longer need to go buy bread because I just make all of our bread. I have made whole wheat sandwich bread, cheese bread and a sweet raisin bread. They all taste better than anything I could buy at the store. The best part is getting the bread out of the oven nice and warm and eating it with some butter and jam. Yummy!

I however am sure by the end of summer I will be weighting more but who cares right. It's totally worth it.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Talk with my mother

On Sunday my mother came over to see Baby. However I had different plans since that day I had found out from someone in Costa Rica that supposedly my mother had told a family member in Costa Rica that I was exaggerating this whole situation with my father. I was beyond upset. I was so hurt that my mother would say something like that.

I confronted her about it and she denies having said anything like that to anyone in Costa Rica. To tell you the truth I kinda don't believe her since during the same conversation she lied about a few things to me that I know for a fact happened.

My mother however has realized the mistake she made in not defending us as children and allowing this behavior to go on for so many years. Sunday she broke down crying because she feels so horrible about what has happened and she told me that she feels responsible for what has happened. She also apologized for allowing this to have happened in my life. For the first time since this type of thing started happening in my life I felt like my mother was truly sorry for allowing this to happen to us.

I did let her know that it's going to take some time for me to be able to forgive her for her part in all of this but that I do know that with help of my Heavenly Father I will be able to forgive her. Once that has happened I can start to work and try to rebuilt a relationship with her at that point.

I know she wants me to forgive my father because she let me know but I told her that it will probably take months to years for me to be able to forgive him and that just because I forgive him does not mean I have to have a relationship with him because as an adult now I actually get to choose who I have in my life and he has made it very clear that he is a toxic person that I should not have in my life. Of course my mother get emotional when I say this but not my problem, really.

I can tell that my mother in her own way is really trying to fix the damage that has been done. She called my sister and I and invited to take us out to lunch on Saturday. When I heard her say that I was all like "Whaaat?" This has never in my 27 years of being in this family happened. I have taken my mother out to lunch but that was all my own doing. My mother has never on her own doing asked to take us out. It really is sweet of her to do and think of.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011


These are a couple of pictures from the other day when we went with my brother, Baby's favorite Tio.

I am loving the nice weather we have been getting lately.

It allows me to be able to hang by the pool on a regular basis and Baby could not be happier. He asks every single day if he can go to the pool.

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Boutiful basket

Don't all these fruit and veggies look amazing?

They have something called Bountiful Baskets out here that I had heard from neighbors and people on facebook. I asked a friend to show me how to do this and she did which is so easy and honestly so worth doing.

For those 2 baskets I only paid $23. After doing the math, at least for me it turns out way cheaper than going to the grocery store and buying the same things. Plus we are kind of forced to eat all these healthy vegetables and fruit that other wise we might not eat.

I do it just about every week unless we are out of town. So go check the website and see if they do this where you live because it really is so worth it.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Problems with spanking

"The problem is when parents rely on physical punishment, they are more likely to escalate when the kids misbehave if they do not stop," he said. "They come back and they hit harder and are indeed more at risk to abuse them."

Research shows that parents who rely on spanking for discipline encourage negative behaviors, including aggression. Children can also show signs of depression and anti-social behavior as they grow older.

Those last 2 paragraphs I found on a website and now I forget which website it was but it had something to do with Parents and Teachers against violence.

I really do believe that when we were younger my father just thought he was trying to correct a behavior by spanking us. Then, though it spiraled out of control.

This is how I feel about spanking and its my own personal opinion because of what I have gone through. I feel that there are so many other ways to discipline than spanking. If you used spanking when the children are younger as they get older and do more annoying and hurtful things you get more frustrated and then I believe that's when it turns into abuse.

I know that there are people who can spank their children without the parent being angry or upset and if you are one of these people good for you. I however have never met a person who can do that because for the most part people who spank do it as a last resort thing because they have lost all patience.

The thing is that if you are calm when disciplining your child you would not spank them. Trust me this is very hard thing to do. I did not grow up with a very good example so I know how hard this is. Every single day before Baby wakes up I read my scriptures and pray for a long time and ask, well more like beg Heavenly Father to please allow me to have the patience I need to not yell or spank my child and be able to discipline him in a loving way. Every single time I have to discipline him its hard not to loss control, it takes a lot more energy to keep it together, trust me.