Monday, July 25, 2011

My melt down

Today my mother-in-law was supposed to hang out with Baby and I. For some reason, maybe she forgot or something it didn't happen.

For some weird reason this brought back some feelings of when I was little and it brought back a memory that I haven't thought about in a very long time. I got really upset that I was screwed over because that's really how I felt even thought I am sure it wasn't done on purpose.

This is why I hate what my father has done to me because any little thing can trigger off a major explosion and unless you know me and know what I am going thru you will just think I am crazy. He has completely ruined me emotionally for the rest of my life, I don't even know if this is fixable. I hope he endures my pain and some cause this really sucks.

The memory that it brought back was when I was 8 years old, which is at the age the mormons get baptized, my father at the time was living in the USA and we were living in Costa Rica. I was told that he was going to be coming down to baptize me himself, how excited I was about this since I had not seen him in at least a year. Well he failed me and didn't show up then the other person they asked to do it didn't show up either so they just had to ask someone who was in attendance to it. I remember as a little kid this hurting really bad. I had talked about my father coming to baptize me and when it didn't happen I started making up lies in my head and to people about it. Ever since then when I would go to a baptism I would always remember that on my baptism day I wasn't really happy. He got to baptize all my other siblings just not me.

I think that made me feel not worthy or less than and those are feelings that have carried on so far in my life.

My mother called today and asked how I was doing and I told her not good emotionally and she must have said something the triggered me to go off. I kinda feel bad that I yelled not at her but in general but I had so many things I needed to get off my chest today. One of them was how he has really ruined me emotionally. I will never feel pretty enough, skinny enough, a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter or good at anything I ever do. How dare someone do this to their child. My mother of course tells me not to talk about my father the way I was talking about him that I need to have love in my heart. Well I wish he had had love in his heart and I wish that he had loved me as a daughter of God but he didn't. I am starting to believe he hated me.

Not only has he ruined me but he has ruined my family we will never again be a family. How sad...I will end right here before I say some nasty things about him.

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