Thursday, June 30, 2011

My amazing child

Baby has been so amazing these last few weeks. Giving me kisses non-stop all day for no reason. Eating what I serve him. Not throwing tantrums and just being a pleasure to have around. Not normal for a 2 year old, right?

He is even all on his own started to potty train. For the last 2 months after breakfast I take his clothes off and let him run naked for a few hours. We have a potty sitting in our living room for him which he had never used but 4 days ago he started peeing in it and then 2 days ago pooped in it. I wasn't even in the room when he did that. How crazy is that?

Yesterday his cousin was over and I think he just forgot about the toilet and peed and pooped in his underwear but for the rest of the day he peed in his potty. I will be stuck at home for the next 3 days so we can try and get this potty thing down.

I am thinking naps and bedtime he will have to wear a diaper until he starts waking up with a dry diaper. I refuse to buy pull ups cause they ate way more expensive than diapers.

I am hoping within the next 2 weeks he can have it down cause then we go on away for a few days and I don't want him to back track.

Tuesday, June 28, 2011


I have been having tons of dreams. Scary ones. Like my father is trying to kill me in them. Yeah not fun at all.

Also I am having tons of memories coming back. I remember so many things now from my childhood. Its super weird.

I know for a fact that the abuse started at least when I was 3 maybe younger. I know this because my father at times has bragged about how when I was 3 he once took me to the church bathroom and slapped me on my naked bottom because I would not sit still through sacrament at church. Then he said he told me to stop crying or else. I am so serious that he bragged about this so many times.

I now know too that around that same time my one uncle threatened my father that if he didn't stop beating us he was going to call the Costa Rican version of CPS. After that my father stopped all communication with my uncle and hated him. My aunts have also said that my father would beat us and lock us in our rooms. Mind you my father left Costa Rica by the time I was 5 so any of this for sure happened before then.

At the age of 5 right before he left for the States he was taking me to school. He was riding his bike and I was sitting in the middle bar. For some reason my foot got stuck on the spokes of the wheel so we both fell and I was pretty hurt. All he did was yell at me over and over for putting my foot there and asking if I was dumb. I wanted to go back home but he wouldn't let me cause he was running late for work, he said. I remember crying the whole way to school.

I also now remember a beating my brother got during family home evening for not answering a question right. He told my brother to sit up and then he beat him for what seemed forever and no one was doing anything so I finally jumped on top of my brother so that he wouldn't get hit anymore. Then finally my mother told him to stop. That was when he was between 12-14. At 16 my father beat my brother so bad he actually peed himself and then my mother had the nerve to come up to my brothers room afterwards and tell my brother that it was his fault and not to piss my father off. What?

When I was 20 for a 4th of July I asked if I could go watch the fireworks with my boyfriend and that I would be home by 10pm. Since we were not doing anything that evening as a family I figured there would be no problem. My father said no. I could not believe it and asked for an explanation I was just told no so I again asked for permission and by this time he flipped. He was in the basement and I had left my phone there he grabbed it and threw the phone at my face. Then he came running up the stairs and by then I was super scared. He opened the door and asked me to leave his house but my mom is telling me not to leave. I tell him if I am leaving I can let myself out so he closes the door. I go open the door and go to leave and he pushed me down the stairs, outside of our house.

That's just to name a few of the memories I am having.

I am writing all of this down because I really want people to really know the type of monster he really is. Not only that but everything I say is being denied and I want to have this hear for prove later on that these things really did happen.

Monday, June 27, 2011

My sister has moved out

As of last Sunday my sister no longer lives with my parents. She moved out with some friends.

Of course I am now getting the blame for it as I always get blamed for everything.

I never told her to move out though, her bishop was the one who told her she needed to be out of that house.

My friend who is a cop also told me that she needed to be out of that house because abuser barely ever get better, for the most part it gets worse. He also said that abusers have a cycle that they all follow, which I thought was interesting and so true. Right after they explode they go thru the honeymoon stage where they try to win you over and will get you things and be super nice to everyone. Then the next stage they call the winding stage, everything bothers then and they are just building all the rage up. Then comes the explosion. The thing about abusers is that any of these stages can last anywhere from hours to years so you never know when they will actually explode or what will make them explode. That's why NO ONE should be living with an abuser.

I have for sure seen all of these stages in my father but he is not willing to accept that he is an abuser and until he does he will not get better. I just hope once the rest of my siblings are out of the home my mother doesn't end up dead. Cause I don't care what she says I am almost positive he beats her. Normally an abuser doesn't only beat the children most of the time he beats the wife too. Not only that but why the hell is she so afraid of him.

Anyways going back to my sister moving out she decided to do while my parents were in church so that their wouldn't be any drama. Once my parents got home of course my mom called her and told her how cruel of my sister it was to do this to them. She also kept on asking where she was moving to which my sister does not want to tell them because of obvious reasons and my mother could not believe this and told my sister that she has a right to know where she is living, haha, no she does not. My sister told her she is over 18 and does not need to let them know where she is staying. Later on in the day my mother called my sister to tell her that she needed to call my father and let him know why she moved out to which my sister just ignored her. She does not need to let my father know anything. They still want to try and control her what is wrong with these people.

So now my mother who after everything happened would call me about twice a day to see how I was doing. Even though it was weird and awkward she still did it but on Sunday she ignored my phone calls and yesterday she called me and when I asked her how she was doing she said good and I told her not to lie to me and then told me she had to go. I am now guessing I won't be hearing from her too much.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Positive people only, please!

My brother, the one who I am no longer talking to, came to drop my other brother off for the weekend. When they got here I was looking outside the door and he started to wave to me.


Honestly he might be bi-polar. One minute he hates me the next minute he wants to be friendly. I just don't get it. The only thing I do know is that I cannot afford to have him be in my life.

Snitches do not have a spot in my life.

Not only that but ever since he got back from his mission he has been the most negative person on the planet and at this point in my life I just cannot have negative people around me.

The good thing about life is that as adults we get to choose who we want in our lives.

Saturday, June 25, 2011


I have decided not to take the help from the church with going to see a therapist.

I am not active to tell you the truth at this point in time I do not feel the desire to go to church. I have so many emotions and ill feelings that go along with church that I just cannot go to church on Sundays and pretend like I want to be there.

The bishop has made me feel like since the ward is paying for my counseling that I need to go to church and pay my tithing. When you are inactive feeling pressured to do things does not work.

So I have decided that I will not take the help that way if I go to church I go because I want to not because I feel like I have to.

I am trying to look for counseling thru a community health center around here.

Friday, June 24, 2011

My sweet neighbor

I have a really sweet neighbor.

From the moment we moved in Baby won them over with his hugs and kisses so they really like us well more like love us and get upset when we go away and don't say goodbye. Her husband said they think of us as their children which is so sweet. They really are the sweetest people.

Anytime I have a problem or I am feeling like a horrible mother I just go down there and she makes me feels like I am the best mother and will just sit there and listen to me with any problem and sometimes just gives me hugs and makes me feel so much better.

When I finally told her what had happened to me she was in complete shock and just cannot believe it but that's not the point the point is that she has sat there for hours and listened to me and doesn't say much but just her listening to me has helped me out so much. At any moment during the day when I am starting to feel emotional I just go down there and talk to her and she is never too busy to have me come in. Her sweet husband every time he sees me comes up to me holds my arm and ask me if I am ok and to look at him cause he wants to make sure I am.

I love them!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

The pool will make me forget

Gosh I must be confused because for some crazy reason I thought that as a parent you are supposed to protect your children as much as you possibly can.

How is it that both of my parents fail miserably? My mother asked me if she was such a horrible mother, I told her she was considering she couldn't even protect us from the most evil person. Of course that hurt her feelings but at this point I don't really care since no one ever worried about my feelings or my siblings.

Even with everything that happened in my life for some crazy reason I always thought my mother would have my back. Oh boy....was I wrong. Why would I ever think that since she didn't even have my back when I was a child.

I feel so hurt right now. I have shed many tears of losing my mother because that is really what has happened here. The part that probably hurts the most is that she doesn't really even care.

Tuesday was a really bad day for me, I was just feeling really betrayed. I sit here and think about all the people I know who have amazing relationships with their parents or at least their mother and how badly I want that but yet will never have it.

I cried at the supermarket parking lot for about 30 minutes since I didn't have Baby with me. When I got home I had hoped I was done with the crying cause I don't want Baby to see me so upset all the time but the flood gates opened up again. I know right now I do not know why this happened to me but I hope I can find out soon. My husband didn't even know what to do or say but he just held me in his arms which was so comforting while Baby is wiping my tears, kissing me and telling me he loves me.

Thank goodness shortly after that my MIL and SIL got here for a fun day at the pool. I needed that distraction so I am now thinking we will have to be at the pool every day so that I am not thinking about things. We had a good time and Baby loves seeing and playing with his favorite cousin.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Of course its my fault.....NOT

On Saturday my mother came over because she wanted to see Baby. The whole time is just akward but I am starting to get used to that since I am starting to think this is just how this is going to be from now on.

My sister was spending the weekend at my place and by 1pm she still hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch (not because I hadn't cooked) when my mother finds out about this she asks my sister if she is dumb or stupid. I damn nearly passed out cause I could not believe what I was hearing. I told my mother how dare she talk to her daughter like that. Which then proceeded to her sitting down on my couch and not talking or moving for about 30 minutes finally I ask her what is wrong and she starts crying (which now I see as manipulation) and saying that Silvia doesn't respect her.


These people honestly have so many issues. Really? Respect? How the hell are any of us supposed to respect them when we were never shown respect or taught to respect them. The only thing we were taught to do was to fear them.

After talking for some time she basically said that whenever we got hit it was our fault because we weren't doing what we were supposed to. Plus she told me that I need to take responsibilities for my actions and stop blaming others for my problems.

Yeah.....that really happened.

I am feeling so betrayed, hurt and sad with this whole situation.

To top it off I know my aunts have called my mother and I get the feeling (because no one will tell me what she really said) that she has either told them I am lying or that I am making a bigger deal than it really is. Why do I think this? Well this has been what has happened my whole life. There are things that I know for a fact happened and she will sit there and deny them.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Love my friends

I have a friend that I have known since I was 9 years old. So he is the one person other than family who has known me the longest. He is now also one of Jon's best friends which I love cause I want him in my life forever.

Anyways I told him the other day what had happened to me and how I am going to go to therapy so he send me a text message that totally made my day.

Here I'll be your's our 1st session....Laura my dearest friend you are a beautiful compassionate loyal individual who is raising a beautiful baby boy. You are fun to be around and make the lives of others happy by your mere presence. You have always been a twig and if you don't start gaining weight the wind is gonna take you like a kite.

Everyone needs to have a friend like this. He totally made me feel special and loved, plus he made my day.

Monday, June 20, 2011

The lady at the supermarket

While trying to go to the supermarket the other day, Baby had a complete melt down as we were about to walk into the store.

I was with my friend and her daughter and Baby saw her sippy cup and decided he wanted a sippy cup which I totally spaced out on and forgot to bring. Of course the one day I forget to bring it he wants it.

I calmly explain to him that I will buy him one once we are inside but he didn't want to hear that so he threw himself on the floor in the middle of the parking lot. Embarrassing much? Uhhh....yeah he knows how to work it.

I decided however that going inside would just not be a good idea so my friend went in with her daughter while I tried to calm him down. I picked him up and took him to our car but there was no way of getting him into the car so he continued to throw his tantrum for what seemed like forever but I am sure was about 15-20 minutes. Long enough for a guy to come around and check to see what was going on and tell me that it sounded like he was being killed.

Right after that a sweet older lady came over to me and told me how great of a job I was doing and how I must be an amazing mom. This totally made my day! I am by no mean a great or amazing mom but I sure am trying and with my daily prayer I think I am having more and more patience with my little man. Honestly though this lady must have known I needed to hear that she was super sweet even gave Baby a treat for him to get in his car seat which he did.

It is honestly that simple to make a persons day. I might make it a goal of mine to say things like this to other moms cause I sure do understand what they are going thru.

Sunday, June 19, 2011

Happy Father's Day!

My dear husband,

You are an amazing father to our precious Baby. I honestly could not have picked better. You have more patience with him than any other person I have ever seen. You play with him every single day even after your long days at work. I love seeing you get down on the floor with him and wrestle with him or play horsie with him. How about watching you two play with your nerf guns, it totally makes me the happiest woman on the planet. You honestly deserve to get the best daddy award! Both Baby and I are truly lucky to have you in our lives and I could not be happier.

Love your wife.

Saturday, June 18, 2011

Brain washing at its best

My brother is the perfect example of a person being brain washed.

How sad that in this life there are people who have that kind of power.

That monster who says is my father has completely become his own father 100%. He has gotten his own children to turn against each other.

What happens when he passes away and the children are left? I'll tell one talks to anyone or knows anything about the other. Everyone in his family is like strangers. None of them like each other. None can show emotion.

Out of all of us I thought he would brain wash maybe my sister but no, she is not that dumb.

My goal now is to get my sister out of that home ASAP. She clearly has no support system there.

Friday, June 17, 2011


Before leaving for our vacation I spoke to my mother to try and understand why she would allow the things that have happened to happen. I feel like I really need to understand her cause if I don't then our relationship with be ruined. I believe there is a reason she allowed this to have happened.

I am starting to think that she was and is afraid of my father which leads me to believe that if he has really never hit her he has verbally abused her and threatened her. I cannot believe he calls himself a man but whatever.

While talking to her she let me know that before this even happened she was starting to believe that he thinks I am putting ideas in my moms head and that ever since she moved to Utah she has changed. I guess she doesn't obey him as much, oh goodness you don't want that right? Here it is the control issues. And to top that off she believes he is jealous of the relationship my mother and I have created.

I will make sure now that I continue to have a relationship with her cause now I really see that he is trying to isolate her from her only support system.

How sad because if my son grows up to have a great relationship with his father I would be nothing but happy about it.

Not in my wildest dream

I never imagined this would be my life.

Even after years of receiving physical and verbal abuse I never thought I would cut ties with my father. Or struggle to continue to have a relationship with my mother. Let alone cut ties with my brother.

This only happens in movies or other families but not mine.

Boy was I wrong.

How did we get here?

I don't even think there is anything anyone can do to fix this.

To tell you the truth I do not even want to be an eternal family with these people.

So many things are crossing my head. I really need my therapy to start soon. One more week and then I can try and get some help.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Text message from my brother

My brother Will and I grew up being the best of friends so this is kinda of a sad time for me.

I just received this text message from him:

You're making a big deal out of something you wanted "I hope he hits me..." You said that multiple times. Well guess what you got what you wanted. "Losing your family". Really? Everyone is on your bloody side. That's not to say I'm on dad's side but lets talk about losing your family. You told me you tried to convince mom to divorce dad. Great, tear our family apart that way we really do lose our family. If that would happen I would never talk to you again. What would your mother do then? Move in with you. Ha. Lets picture this...CHURCH. You would want her out as soon as possible. You know your mother might be ignorant but your father sure as hell is not. He tried to raise us as "sons and daughters of God" but we all did other wise. Your father isn't stupid he knew what you and Nick did, he even knows about you and Jon before you got married and he saw Silvia going that way. That's why he got so mad. That doesn't excuse hitting us but its a way to understand his side. I'm not going to pick a side cause you're both f****d up and both to blame. Go ahead and get mad, don't talk to me for a while. The truth hurts. Regardless, much love.

Well he spoke his mind. There are some truths many times I did say that I hoped he would hit me cause I would hit him back but to hit me when I was down and not able to defend myself that's not right. I did most definitely tell my mother to divorce that monster and everyone knows it. I would even be willing to work full time to provide for her financially. No one should ever live in fear. It makes me sad she has never known true happiness. I guess there goes that relationship. I will never again be speaking to my brother. Sad day.

I still however have my amazing husband and son and think that I will somehow survive without him in it. What is the point of having family if they are not supportive right?

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Las Vegas vacation

It was amazing to get away for a few days.

I came back feeling rejuvenated and ready to be an amazing mami to my precious Baby.

Well we left on Sunday and Baby was amazing on the way down. Did not cry or whine once. It was the perfect ride down. We got there unpacked and headed out to get some yummy Korean food. We had been craving Korean BBQ for months now since the last time we had it in Vegas. OK, if you do not know what Korean BBQ is you must look it up and go to the nearest restaurant it is amazing. One of my favorite things to eat. After dinner we decided to go down the strip and walk around with Baby, well that was a mistake, a big one. We only made it one block before we realized that walking down the strip with a child at night is a BIG no no. On our way back to the hotel we hear a guy selling "coke" it was the weirdest thing. After that we really hurried up to get to our room for the night.

On Monday we had free lunch vouchers for the buffet and that was super yummy. Then we went to the Shark Reef at the Mandalay Bay. Baby had a blast at this place. Me not so much after realizing how expensive it was but hey it is Vegas right? Then we took the longest nap ever after Baby threw a huge fit as we were leaving the Shark Reef. We woke up and took Baby to the MGM Grand to see the Lions which was pretty cool to see the Lions interact with their trainers. Baby kept on asking for mac-n-cheese so we took him to the Rainforest Cafe which was the most expensive mac-n-cheese I have EVER and will probably ever pay for. Not only was the food expensive I think we traumatized our child with all the animal noises going on and then with the fake lightning and thunder. I think we put on a pretty good show for the other people around us. We then went and took Baby back to the room and left him with mom-mom and Jon and I went out on the strip. We walked from the Luxor down to the Caesars Palace. On the way down the strip we got lost in a hotel that we had never seen but holy cow! the most beautiful, luxurious, sexy hotel I have ever seen. Turns out its called the Cosmopolitan for anyone that has money just laying around this is the place to go, wow, it was just breath taken. We totally fell out of place. the time we made it to Caesars Palace both Jon and I could no longer walk so we ended up taking a taxi back.

Tuesday was amazing, we paid to have a cabana by the pool for the whole day and we honestly had a blast. Baby now can float by himself and he just had a blast the whole entire time we were there. In our cabana we had a couch, table and chairs, a huge tv and free drinks. I didn't even know what a cabana was till then and I think we will be doing this on any vacation so worth it. Baby had so much fun by 5pm he was completely out. We walked throughout 2 hotels casinos with him staying asleep the whole time.

All in all it was the best Vegas vacation I have had and that is saying something cause we go to Vegas a lot while on our way down to California.

The way back was a little bit harder with Baby whining a ton and not wanting to be in his sit but still he was so good the whole time down there that I didn't even mind the ride back.

I think we might need to do this trip one more time before the summer is over.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Life goes on

When something tragic happens to you, I think, you always feel like how does life continue?

As year ago my best friend lost her precious Baby Jonas as a still birth. What a sad time this was for her and even for me to witness her go thru this. At the time I remember her saying that she felt like her life just couldn't go on and how she thought how in the world is everyone else's life moving on. It's so true you do feel this way.

After this happened to me, Jon's life continued. Bills still need to get paid so he has to go to work every day. Baby's life still goes on and he still needs his mami. In the last week he has been nothing but the perfect baby. He has even been sleeping in late and giving me some me time.

For the first few days I just stayed home and barely left but I have realized I cannot give anyone that much power over me. My life, other than whats happened, is pretty amazing. I have an amazing support group. And even more amazing group of friends who have done nothing more than worry about me and be sweet as can be. I am so grateful for every single one of them.

My best friend who I mentioned at the beginning of this post just had another precious little baby. I had to get down there as soon as I could to see him and oh my....what a sweet, handsome, angelic baby. He is so very much loved and has been wanted more than any other baby in the world I am sure. I consider myself a very lucky person to know her she is just amazing. The things she has been thru in her life are things that normally no one deals with but to deal with everything she has combined is just amazing the woman she has become. She is just such a great example to me of the woman I want to become. While at her house she told me something that I will forever remember. She said her therapist told her this, that it is okay to be happy and sad at the same time. I am glad she told me this cause for a long time I have felt like I can either be happy or sad but not both at the same time.

I do love my life and I know that I will be fine. I just want to thank everyone who has shown me support. You have all been amazing! I do have some great group of people in my life.

I will continue to just focus on the good in my life cause there is tons of good things in my life.

Sunday, June 12, 2011


My dear husband has decided we need a little get-a-way to take my mind off of what is going on and pretend for a few days like nothing is wrong in the world.

Isn't he just amazing?

Guess where we are going?

Las Vegas!

He is taking me along with my favorite little man. My MIL is also coming to help with Baby at night so at least we can have some alone time at night.

I love Las Vegas, it holds a special place in my heart since we had our honeymoon there. I have been wanting to go down for months and now we are actually going, yay! I cannot wait to stuff my face, lay by the pool, feel the sun on my skin and just relax.

As you read this we are probably on our way down.

Pictures to come.

Saturday, June 11, 2011

I don't want to hate

For many years I had hatred for my father however after marrying my husband I worked hard towards not having those feelings towards my father.

With all of this going on I have made sure not to allow hatred back into my heart. It has been super hard. I have prayed nonstop for the Lord's help throughout this whole process. I know that with God anything is possible. If anything at this point I feel sorry for him because the punishment that Heavenly Father has for abusers, I am sure, is worse than anything I could ever do to him. I hope and pray for his sake that he really fesses up to the things he has done and repents. We cannot hide anything from our Heavenly Father, that's a fact.

At this point I just need to worry about being a better mom to my Baby and allowing hatred in won't help me at all. I just need to learn to have love in my heart at all times. I am learning this is the only way I can be a good mami.

I want to truly be a happy person and live life to the fullest and have no regrets. How sad it must be to grow old with children who don't really like you and to be a mean bitter person. Yeah, that's not what I want for my future. I want the opposite in my life and I WILL have it.

Baby Jonas

Exactly a year ago my best friends baby was born sleeping at 39 weeks. What she went thru after this I cannot even describe in words the only thing is that it's heart breaking. No one should have to go thru this.

This is something that even in our generation it is whispered about and not really talked about like it should be. There are so many people out there who have lost babies who we would never even think this has happened to them because they keep it quiet, like its a secret or something to be embarrassed about.

These babies are real babies and people need to acknowledge them as such. It breaks these mothers hearts when people do not take their lost babies into consideration.

Baby Jonas, you will never be forgotten. You have a mother who cannot wait till the day she can hold you in her arms.

Friday, June 10, 2011

A good day

We have had a great day today.

Even though I am not fat or close to it I have decided I want to be healthier and more active. I have a friend who lost a bunch of weight and is looking amazing and she works out every day at her house, so I called her to see if I could come work out with her today and she said yes.

Baby and I went and got some pizza, you know to pig out after our work out, hahaha.

Hey one slice of pizza is not that bad for you, right?

Anyways so I worked out with Anne and it totally kicked my butt. She is in amazing shape. While working out Baby played with her 3 girls. He had a blast and didn't want to leave.

After that we picked up my sister who is spending the weekend with us.

Then we went over to his little girlfriends house to go for a swim and he also didn't want to leave her house either.

All in all we have had a full but fun day.

I need more days like this. I love nothing more than seeing Baby have fun and interact with other children makes me the happiest mami in the world.

I am also just loving the supportive people that have gathered around me and showed me so much love.

Quick fix....I think not

My mother thinks it will only take one therapy session to make my father all better.

Yeah, I know it will probably take years.

I don't know what she thinks therapy does. Maybe she thinks it's like miracle workers. Who knows...

The other my sister tried talking to my mom about how she doesn't feel safe at home with my father there after he threaten her. My moms response was "he is going to therapy tomorrow" my sister tells her that only one session won't fix it to which my mother responds "he will be better after tomorrow". Whaaat!

Are people really that innocent? God bless my mom. That's all I can say....

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Saw my bishop

I went and saw my bishop yesterday. I have mix feelings about the meeting.

He clearly had never heard a story like mine cause he was left speechless, didn't even know what to say.

He told me that this is beyond what he can help me with and gave me LDS family services info for me to make an appointment with a therapist. I told him though that I really needed spiritual help because if not this will completely make me go inactive forever. He tells me I need to be coming to church every Sunday and get involved. Also tells me he will be giving me a calling.

Going to church is easier said than done when you are inactive however if he feels this will help I will be making an effort to make it to church more regularly. Now about a calling....I myself need help and am a mess, I am not so sure that getting a calling will be the best thing ever right now. I don't even think I am in the state to hold a calling. What do I do or say?

Wednesday, June 8, 2011


This kind of thing should not be happening.

I am beyond shocked at the amount of messages I have been getting with people telling me how my story is so similar to theirs. Breaks my heart. How is there so many parents out there who can do this?

Something needs to happen in this country and in the world to make people understand that this is not okay. Our Heavenly Father is probably sitting up there watching down crying his eyes out knowing that the precious gifts he gave to parents are being treated this way instead of being loved.

I have found and article that EVERY single parents needs to read. Whether you are LDS or any other religion. It is the only way we should be parenting. I will be printing this article and keeping it somewhere I can read it constantly.

Here is the link please take a few minutes to read this. I promise you it won't be wasted time.

My precious Baby

My precious Baby, he is just simply amazing. He must know mami is going thru a hard time cause he is pulling all the stops to make me laugh.

Just the other night he put his bummy on my face and said "eat it" hahaha, where does he get this from. Then he will fart and bust out laughing. Or how about when he runs up to me for no reason throughout the day and give me a huge hug and kiss and tell me "I wow you". He totally melts my heart. I just love him to pieces.

I have been putting him down to bed ever since this happened and I am cherishing those moments with him when he is just sweet as can be. He caresses my face and my hair and tells me over and over again that he loves me and gives me nonstop kisses. It is giving that extra want to be the best mother I can possibly be to him.

He is too precious for me to be willing to lose him. I never want him to go thru what I have had to. It is just not fair for any child to have to go thru that.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

I'm going to see my bishop

I finally got the guts and called and made an appointment to see my bishop.

I will be meeting with him tomorrow at 6:45pm.

I don't even know what I will be saying to him, all I know is I need help and I need it now. He might be able to help me or guide me to the right person who can.

Plus I need help spiritually or this will do me in for good.

The Lord

I know I need help....and NOW!

Financially we are not in the situation to get it so now I will have to call my bishop and try and get it thru my church. The thing is I have been inactive for some time so I feel like I don't deserve the help from the church.

I need to get over that feeling though cause it is not helping me. If I don't get help right now I will end up being my father.

Ever since this happened I have been on nonstop. I am looking for articles to help me. I have looked up articles on abuse but I haven't been able to find any on physically abusing children.

I however have decided for sure that this vicious cycles ends here with me. I have been reading articles about raising your children and every single night and morning I have been praying and asking the Lord to please give me the patience I need to be a good mami to my precious baby because he does not deserve to have to deal with anything like I did. And oh my word can I just tell you that honestly God is great. I have had nothing but patience and trust me Baby has tested me like any 2 year old does.

Monday, June 6, 2011


I took my mother yesterday to a job interview so we were in the car alone for about 2 hours. It was the weirdest most uncomfortable thing on the planet. There is this huge elephant in the room and she refuses to see it or talk about it.

She would either bring up random things or just not talk and I was just fine with not talking. Right now my life has come crashing down and so all I can think about or talk about is what happened but she refuses to.

I just hope that this doesn't ruin our relationship but I am starting to think that it will because I am just so hurt.

She calls me this morning wanting to know how I am doing. I let her know we are doing okay. She doesn't say anything else and then starts crying and hangs up. I cannot care about her feeling right now. Honestly my whole life I worried about her feelings but no one ever worried about mine. I am done. I sometimes think she cries to manipulate things.

It amazes me that with everything she went thru in her life after finding the gospel she did not make it first priority to make sure her children didn't go thru what she did. To me right now she is an accomplice to this monsters behavior.

My sister calls me later on and tells me that my mom thinks I am depressed. I don't even know what to think right now.

Making sense

For years I worried so much about what my parents thought of me.

I would do things behind their back and make sure to cover it all up so that they could never find out cause I didn't want to disappoint them. My gosh I should have done it all in the open that way I could have embarrassed them.

I now know that when I ran away from home, more than anything I was screaming for help. I think in a way I wanted the police to take me. I even remember thinking while on the run that if the police came for me I would tell them my father beats me. Silly me, I actually thought the police would find me before my parents. Of course not. God forbid the police did because then everyone would know. The only people that knew I ran away from home were maybe 5 people and that was the parents of the girl a ran away with and my best friends parents.

Or how about me going out drinking because I couldn't handle any more what was going on at home. I didn't even start that until after I was 19 years old. I think by that point I just could no longer handle what I was going thru on a daily basis. No wonder I also had 2 jobs at that time. I would leave the house at 5:30am and would not come home until after 12:30am. I wanted nothing to do with those people.

Also me doing all the stuff I did with guys. That was me trying to find love from a man. I clearly did not have that at home. The need for me to have a man by my side at all times. Goodness it is all making sense to me.

Please parents do not touch your precious children. They are too precious to lose. Look at what this has done to me. Thank goodness I was able to find an amazing man who did not grow up watching things like this or thinking they were okay. Take care of your babies. There are better ways to discipline than beating. Beatings do not work. They just make the child afraid of the parents and it grows hatred and emotional issues.

My mother

Last night while dropping my sister off my mother came out to speak to me.

She is mad at me because I want her to leave an abuser. I must be crazy or something, you know. Why would I ever want that for her, right? Gosh everything you hear about people who are in abusive relationships is true. They really don't see and won't until they are 6 feet under.

I wonder what she would have done had he killed me. She might have helped him cover it up. Who knows...

She also wanted to tell me that I need to forgive my father and stand by him and be supportive of him trying to get help. Ummmm....hell no. That's not even an option here at this point. A month ago when he tried to kill my brother and I told him he needed help, I would have stood by him and been supportive about him getting help. Right now, not so much.

I don't care about him anymore. He clearly never has about me and I have wasted years worrying about him.

I thought my mother would not stand for this type of thing. She talked so much stuff about my aunts who would stay with guys who cheated on them. Hello crazy woman, I would prefer that 100 times over my child getting beat. Call me crazy.

She is starts crying when I tell her that she is choosing an abuser over her daughter. At this point I don't even care how she feels. Since she made it very clear that she is staying with him I cannot do much about her. She probably needs as much therapy as my father.

I tell her I will be picking up Baby's toys because we will not be coming over for a long time. She tells me that with my dad getting help he will be fine soon and that we will be able to come over in a few weeks. Is she crazy? No we will not be seeing him in years! When I told her dad she started to cry and told me she cannot do this anymore and left.

My father has had these issues from the time he was a very little boy. He needs years of therapy before he will ever be okay. Or before I will feel okay with going anywhere near him let alone have a relationship with him.

I have always wanted a good relationship with my father and have tried over and over and over again to do that but he apparently never wanted that. I thought all fathers wanted a relationship with their daughters and a good one at that.

Girls out there if you have a good relationship with your father, call them and thank them for being amazing fathers. Call your mothers and thank them for marrying a great person.

I have a friend on facebook who messaged me that she grew up with the same issues but her mother at one point was brave enough to leave her father. What a lucky young woman to have a mother who realized that she didn't want that for her kids. I wish this was my story but its not.

I now need to figure out what it is that I need to do. Hopefully I can get into some therapy that will help me. I do not want to be the person who years from now blames others when she beats her children or losses her temper on them all the time. I need help now because I want to be healthy mentally for my husband and child. Its not too late for me. I know that.


***This is just mainly for me as a way of getting everything of my chest***

With this happening everything that I have bottled up inside for so many years is just coming up. This is why I cannot sleep. I just have all sorts of things racing in my mind.

So he once went out and bought a special belt to whip us with. This belt was made of leather and it was thick and wide. Whenever we had family home evenings he would bring the belt out and have it right next to him. What a sick person to do that. If we dared question anything that he has said about "gospel doctrine" we would get beat. I quickly learned not to question anything that was ever said and just keep my thought or questions to myself. My one brother however didn't get it or maybe he was so used to getting beat that he just wanted to piss him off cause every single Monday he would question my father about things he had said. I also remember getting whipped with the belt because we would do family prayer and everyone had to say a prayer, well with 6 of us in total it went on for ever so someone would always fall asleep and that would make him so mad he would take the belt out. I am remembering one time in particular while doing family home evening, he had just hit one of us, he was reading some bible verse where is says about hitting your children or something and I questioned it. Even back then I remember thinking that a loving God would not allow this type of behavior. Well he went off the handle because how dare us question him right?

Every time he would do something to any of us he would always use scriptures to make it seem okay. That to me is an evil, evil man.

I just cannot believe all this time he has made himself look like he was such a God fearing man. Yeah right, I now know the truth and God has known the truth all along.

Oh, oh wait and he always blamed that everything always goes wrong in our family because we were doing incorrect things, hahahaha.

There are so many things that now look fishy to me too. Like why is it that when he was making $6000 a month it was not enough. I am hearing things from different people that lead me to believe my father might have had other women and possibly had a child with one.

I have decided that if he ever wants to have a relationship with me the first thing he will have to do is take a lie detector test. I want the truth of everything to come out.

No matter how much money he makes it is never enough. Also why is it that he doesn't want to get a Utah phone number. He is willing to drive all the way to Idaho or Nevada to get his phone bill figured out because those are the only places that have his carrier. Just so weird....

The truth of everything will come out eventually and my mother will see who she is really married to.

Sunday, June 5, 2011

My siblings

I feel so bad for them.

One is probably off getting drunk which is probably not a good way to cope with this. The other two are just trying to keep their mouth shut and not say much or be seen much while at home. What kind of life is that.

I feel like my parents on purpose have made my siblings depend on them this much as a way to control them and keep them from saying anything.

All abusers do this!

How many signs do you need to see before you realize what this person is? If it talks like a duck and walks like a duck then its a duck, right?

I just hope that all my siblings go and get the help they need but I doubt it. My parents will probably not allow them to do that.

A few years ago my one brother was seeing a therapist and my father stopped allowing my brother to go. Wait and listen to the reason why cause it's pretty amazing......because the therapist was okay with a grown man masturbating. Now I believe my father was probably getting scared of what my brother would say to the therapist.

My siblings came over today to pick up some things my sister had left here and I swear it was like they were timing them because before long my mother was calling telling them they needed to leave now and go home.

I just cannot believe this is really happening!

My brother did tell me that a few years ago when we last went to Costa Rica that he told any family member that he talked to that my father was beating us and that none of them could believe it. They all said "no, David, I don't believe it". How sad, my brother was screaming out for help even 7 years ago.

That same brother hates my father so much that about 10 years ago he stopped calling him dad, he will only call him David. And a few years back he told my father that he better pray to God that he dies before my mother because if my mother dies first he would rather see him die than help him out in any way. That is so sad. My mom knew my brother said this to him and not for a second did she stop to think why he would say this. All she said was "well your brother doesn't have a heart".

How about that man you live with? If he has a heart its made out of ice.

My dear husband

He rocks!

He is simply the best husband on the planet.

I have never felt more safe in my life than when I am with him. He has never judged me, said anything mean or tried to put me down.

After watching him walk into my father's home and standing up for me and letting him know that he will never lay a finger again, just made me feel so good.

I know he will do anything for me.

He has been nothing but amazing throughout all of this.

He has listened to me nonstop.

Has cried with me.

Has been by my side every single second.

I have realized today that him and Baby is all I really need in my life. If I have them both everything will be okay. They will be by my side throughout this whole process for me.

Saturday, June 4, 2011

Sad thing

My mother has made it very clear that she is standing by her husband thru this.

It breaks my heart because as her daughter I always hoped that my mother would choose me but she hasn't.

I know for a fact he is abusive to her maybe not physically but emotionally and verbally. I have seen it first hand. He is a controller 100%.

I asked her today why at 12 years old when he punched me for the first time did she not leave? She had family with money who would have helped her out. I told her that if my husband were to ever beat my child I would prefer to leave and prostitute myself in order to support my child then to allow my child to be beat ever again. She doesn't get it.

She basically wants to me to forgive my father, not talk about this to anyone and to go back to normal like nothing ever happened. Even as I am talking to her she tries nonstop to change the subject on me and tells me that she cannot talk about this any more.


Well everything in my family has always been about appearances. What we look like from the outside. Lets just say I am pretty amazing at giving face. I should have been an actress. God forbid I ever tell my extended family anything about what really goes on here. Well....that's a little bit too late. This time around my mouth opened and opened big.

My family in Costa Rica found out this morning about all of this. I have an amazing bunch of crazy supportive family there. I wish I could just fly out there and be hugged by them all.

I am sure they will be calling my mother soon and that my mother will deny things or make it seem like I am making this bigger than it is. I will hear back what my mother says and I pray for her sake that she tells the truth cause if not I might not be able to maintain her in my life.

Working on 3 hours of sleep

Last night might have been the worse night of my life.

And that is saying a lot considering I slept in the same house as my father for years.

I went to bed around 12am and I was not able to go to sleep till after 3:45am. Every time I would close my eyes I would see his face and him charging at me with his hands in such a way that I knew he was trying to kill me. Yeah not a very good thing. I also kept on shaking all night long.

I am a mess.

My appetite is completely gone and I am on the verge of tears all day long.

How do people deal with this? How did I ever deal with this growing up?

I don't even know or remember. I am able to remember the beatings but never what happened right afterwards. Did I cry? Did I lock myself in my room? Did my mom come comfort me? Who knows.

I do remember one time around 14 when he made me pull my pants down and he whipped me with the belt, after that I remember crying in my room and him yelling to me to stop crying so loud. How dare he. That day I decided I wanted to die, whats the point of living like that I figured. This was before we had the internet, thank goodness. I didn't even know how to kill myself. I tried holding my breath but that didn't work. Finally I just gave up but kept on crying. When my mother came up to see how I was I told her how I wanted to no longer live because this life was too hard, my father heard me and he mocked me and laughed at me. Yeah, pretty much sucks.

I think that a lot of times people who are abused block things out of their memories. It might be a coping mechanism. How do people ever get thru this kind of thing?

I cannot even sleep

I have been in a constant state of shaking for over 36 hours. This is not right.

My left eye is swollen, I have a scratch on my forehead, my jaw hurts and yet he refuses to believe he hit me. I have pictures to prove it.

All of the physical scars will go away but not the emotional. I am a mess. In a the moment I need family more than ever I cannot count on them. My sister is just as messed up as me. She won't stop crying and told me she is petrified of my father and what he might do to her when she has to go back home. My one brother is still in shock over what happened and then my other brother who not even a month ago called me scared telling me my father was trying to kill him is putting on facebook that I am a liar and is making it seem like I am making a bigger deal than it is.

My poor baby who had to witness all of this is a mess too. Any loud noise and he starts crying and he is terribly jumpy. The second he hears me cry he runs and gives me hug and wipes my tears away and kisses me. He should have never seen that happen. That should have never happened, period.

No one knows what this feels like unless you have had this happen to you.

I read an article on last night that said that emotional, physical and sexual abuse on children all have the same emotional scars. People don't get that.

I told my mother today that what happened to me at 12 years old made me feel the same way she felt when she was sexually abused at 12. I told her both of our worlds at 12 years old came crashing down. I want her to know and understand that abuse is abuse no matter how you put it.

I hope today will be a better day if not I might start taking heavy sedatives, lol, or drinking, hahaha. Really though I don't even know how to deal with this all. I am still hoping I will wake up and realize this was all a dream.

Now I am thinking why is my father so quick to want to move back to Philly and isolate my mother? Does he have a girlfriend there? Now I am starting to think the person that I thought was my father is not who is this monster?

Things I said to my father

I told him:

-he is worthless
-he is a monster
-an abuser
-a controller
-a manipulator
-is lower than trash
-has caused me more trauma than he will ever know
-I used to worship the ground he walked on
-he was my everything
-I wanted to marry someone like him until at 12 my world came crashing down
-he needed to stop making excuses and get help before he kills someone
-that he is a very disrespectful person and that's why he will never get respect from his children
-that everything he does on the outside is just for show

My poor mother is all I worry about at this point. She says he has never laid a finger on her whether I believe that or not is a different story but I know that he is emotionally abusive to her. Just the other day he called me fat and told me I needed to lose weight and then told my mom that she was a fat pig too. How dare he say something like that. This is why I have been anorexic he has caused me weight issues. He puts my mother down constantly, tells her she is nothing without him. And then makes her cook for him and serve him constantly to the point that my mother has to be home by dinner time to serve him. The sad part is my mom is making excuses for him and she truly does not see that he is abusive to her. I do not even know what to do at this point. I have told her to come to my house for a while but she won't leave him. I never thought this would be my family.

This happens to other people not me, right? I must be having a long ass nightmare.

She calls me crying nonstop. Yesterday at one of the times she was on the phone with me my father grabbed the phone and told me she couldn't talk and hung up. Yeah I still cannot believe that but if she is not willing to leave I cannot force her. All day today whenever she called me I kept on telling her that she is living with an abuser and that she can do better. Now he is threatening to move back to Philly and take my mom with him. He is totally trying to isolate her from her support system which is me. I told her I will work full time just to support her financially but that she does not deserve this kind of treatment. What else can I do? I am beyond shocked I don't even have words to explain what is going thru my head.

I will need many sessions of therapy for all the abuse and hurt I have been thru.

The funny thing is this week I started reading my scriptures and praying to God to please help me have more patience and to take the anger out of me. I think all of that was to prepare me for this.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Did this really happen?

I was hoping that I would wake up today and realize that I had just had a nightmare.

I still cannot believe what happened to me yesterday.

The funny part or maybe the sad part is that I should be used to this by now, I grew up this way.

Yesterday my mother called me to her house to come help her out with what was going on with my sister.

We were basically doing an intervention on my sister who we thought was in a verbally abusive relationship. After talking to her for hours she finally saw it and decided she was going to break up with the guy. My mom was crying because she was so happy.

Then my father calls my mom outside where he was, all of a sudden I hear my mom screaming "David no, no, no, calm down" then my father storms into the living room and yells to my sister "you are calling your boyfriend right now and breaking up with him and if I catches him around this neighborhood ever again I will beat the shit out of him" by this point he is just out of control so I tell him to calm down. He tells me to mind my own effing business then he turns to my sister and tells her "if you ever talk to him again I will personally beat the shit out of you" by this point I do not even know what came over me. I laughed at him and told him "no you won't" he tells me to say it again and this time I tell him "you will not touch my effing sister".

The look on his face I will never forget, I have never seen a scarier face in my life. He launched at me with his hands in such a way I knew he wanted to choke me. I know for a fact had my sister and mom not been there, he might have killed me. He was wearing greasy gloves so you could see that he tried to choke me but missed by not too much. Then he proceeded to punch me and got me on the corner of my left eye and by my temple. By this time I managed to kick him in the gut which then cause him to trip and fall on top of my precious baby. From that moment on all I remember is me trying to grab a phone to call 911 but my mother was taking the phone out of my hand. I kept on screaming to my brother to call 911 and no one would.

I have NEVER in my life been more scared then yesterday. My sister immediately called my husband the second she was able to get the phone from my mom. We were all a mess and my husband couldn't understand.

I was beyond livid, everyone is crying by this point. I pick up my stuff and my child and try to leave. My poor sister is screaming to me to please not leave her there cause she is scared of what might happen to her. I wait for her and as we are about to walk out my mom says " come on guys don't leave until you are done crying I don't want the neighbors seeing this". I leave and my father is outside working on the car like nothing ever happened.

As I start to drive I realize I was shaking too much to drive I pull over and call my husband and let him know what happened. He immediately leaves work and comes to get me.

While waiting for my husband my sister tells me how she thought he was going to kill me. She said when he came at me to choke me she tried pushing his hands away which is probably what caused him to miss my neck. She then jumps on top of me but wasn't able to cover my face so that's when he punched me twice on my face. She said by this point she was so pissed she herself tried to choke him and pushed him along with me kicking him he went down. My poor mom was trying to push him away from all of us and in the process she got kicked on one of her ribs.

My husband finally comes and him and his sister wanted me to file charges I wanted to really bad but I just kept on thinking about my mom. I cannot do that to her. Not at this point. My husband decided he was going to go talk to my father. When we get there I figured I needed to go in cause I wanted to confront this sorry excuse of a man.

We go in and he is on the computer like nothing ever happened. What the hell? Jon got so pissed he told my dad that this was the last time he will ever touch me, my siblings or my mother cause next time he will beat the shit out of him. Then that dumb ass man says to my husband "don't talk to me that way" yeah my husband was ready to go after my father. I think God is very merciful because something came over my husband and made him realize that he was worth going to prison over. My father tried to make excuses for it but we told him there is no excuse for doing this. You never touch a child. I said many things to him. The one thing that probably hurt him the most was when I told him that the one person he hates the most who happens to be his father is the one person he has become. I thought he was going to come after me again. I was able to tell him many things that I have been wanting to tell him for years. The whole time we were at his house talking to him he denied hitting me yesterday, I am beyond shocked.

The reason I said I should be used to this is because from the time I was 12 years old I started to be physically and verbally abused on the regular. At 12 I was punched in the face by him to the point that both me and my brother who was also punched in the face had bruises for days and my mother would not let us go out and kept ices on it all the time. After that is was just constant. I remember having to pull my pants down many times for him to whip me with a belt over and over. I was told I was fat constantly, that I was so dumb for not doing better in school and on and on. As I got older I saw him lose his temper all the time. Family home evenings to me are traumatizing every single Monday someone always without a doubt would get beat with the belt. He threaten abuse more times than I can count or remember. I do remember one time I was 19 and asked for permission to go out to see fireworks and be home by 10pm and because of that he threaten to beat me, then he threw a phone at me and started to come at me so I left the house and had my boyfriend at the time come pick me up and I had to stay out all night cause I was scared for my life.

This has just been most of my life. Everyone is scared of that monster! No one will ever stand up for themselves except for me now. He has gotten away with all of this for way too long and I have had it enough. I will not sit here and watch him cause my brothers or sister and my mother anymore trauma.

He is a sorry excuse for a human being. He needs mental help but he refuses to get it. I am giving him till next week to go talk to his bishop before I call him. He should not have a temple recommend or a calling.

All along my family has painted this perfect little family and everything is hush hush, don't tell anyone anything or else, this is no ones business but our families. My mom is so worried about what people are going to think.

Well her little perfect world came crushing down yesterday. I am done with the hush hush. I want the world to know what type of dysfunctional home I grew up in. I want the world to know that the person I call my father is an abuser. He puts my husband and I down all the time because we are not active in the church right now. Well hello! It sure didn't help him. He goes to the temple on the regular, he has a calling, he goes to church every Sunday, he reads his scriptures and does family prayer every night and guess what he is still an evil human being. So he can kiss my ass because none of that will help you be a better person obviously.

He took it to himself to ruin this family. I was willing to forgive him for the past stuff but at this point I am beyond forgiving him. He will be out of my life for a very long time. I cannot afford to have him in my life or my child's life.