Saturday, June 4, 2011

Things I said to my father

I told him:

-he is worthless
-he is a monster
-an abuser
-a controller
-a manipulator
-is lower than trash
-has caused me more trauma than he will ever know
-I used to worship the ground he walked on
-he was my everything
-I wanted to marry someone like him until at 12 my world came crashing down
-he needed to stop making excuses and get help before he kills someone
-that he is a very disrespectful person and that's why he will never get respect from his children
-that everything he does on the outside is just for show

My poor mother is all I worry about at this point. She says he has never laid a finger on her whether I believe that or not is a different story but I know that he is emotionally abusive to her. Just the other day he called me fat and told me I needed to lose weight and then told my mom that she was a fat pig too. How dare he say something like that. This is why I have been anorexic he has caused me weight issues. He puts my mother down constantly, tells her she is nothing without him. And then makes her cook for him and serve him constantly to the point that my mother has to be home by dinner time to serve him. The sad part is my mom is making excuses for him and she truly does not see that he is abusive to her. I do not even know what to do at this point. I have told her to come to my house for a while but she won't leave him. I never thought this would be my family.

This happens to other people not me, right? I must be having a long ass nightmare.

She calls me crying nonstop. Yesterday at one of the times she was on the phone with me my father grabbed the phone and told me she couldn't talk and hung up. Yeah I still cannot believe that but if she is not willing to leave I cannot force her. All day today whenever she called me I kept on telling her that she is living with an abuser and that she can do better. Now he is threatening to move back to Philly and take my mom with him. He is totally trying to isolate her from her support system which is me. I told her I will work full time just to support her financially but that she does not deserve this kind of treatment. What else can I do? I am beyond shocked I don't even have words to explain what is going thru my head.

I will need many sessions of therapy for all the abuse and hurt I have been thru.

The funny thing is this week I started reading my scriptures and praying to God to please help me have more patience and to take the anger out of me. I think all of that was to prepare me for this.

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