Saturday, June 4, 2011

I cannot even sleep

I have been in a constant state of shaking for over 36 hours. This is not right.

My left eye is swollen, I have a scratch on my forehead, my jaw hurts and yet he refuses to believe he hit me. I have pictures to prove it.

All of the physical scars will go away but not the emotional. I am a mess. In a the moment I need family more than ever I cannot count on them. My sister is just as messed up as me. She won't stop crying and told me she is petrified of my father and what he might do to her when she has to go back home. My one brother is still in shock over what happened and then my other brother who not even a month ago called me scared telling me my father was trying to kill him is putting on facebook that I am a liar and is making it seem like I am making a bigger deal than it is.

My poor baby who had to witness all of this is a mess too. Any loud noise and he starts crying and he is terribly jumpy. The second he hears me cry he runs and gives me hug and wipes my tears away and kisses me. He should have never seen that happen. That should have never happened, period.

No one knows what this feels like unless you have had this happen to you.

I read an article on last night that said that emotional, physical and sexual abuse on children all have the same emotional scars. People don't get that.

I told my mother today that what happened to me at 12 years old made me feel the same way she felt when she was sexually abused at 12. I told her both of our worlds at 12 years old came crashing down. I want her to know and understand that abuse is abuse no matter how you put it.

I hope today will be a better day if not I might start taking heavy sedatives, lol, or drinking, hahaha. Really though I don't even know how to deal with this all. I am still hoping I will wake up and realize this was all a dream.

Now I am thinking why is my father so quick to want to move back to Philly and isolate my mother? Does he have a girlfriend there? Now I am starting to think the person that I thought was my father is not who is this monster?

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