Monday, June 6, 2011

My mother

Last night while dropping my sister off my mother came out to speak to me.

She is mad at me because I want her to leave an abuser. I must be crazy or something, you know. Why would I ever want that for her, right? Gosh everything you hear about people who are in abusive relationships is true. They really don't see and won't until they are 6 feet under.

I wonder what she would have done had he killed me. She might have helped him cover it up. Who knows...

She also wanted to tell me that I need to forgive my father and stand by him and be supportive of him trying to get help. Ummmm....hell no. That's not even an option here at this point. A month ago when he tried to kill my brother and I told him he needed help, I would have stood by him and been supportive about him getting help. Right now, not so much.

I don't care about him anymore. He clearly never has about me and I have wasted years worrying about him.

I thought my mother would not stand for this type of thing. She talked so much stuff about my aunts who would stay with guys who cheated on them. Hello crazy woman, I would prefer that 100 times over my child getting beat. Call me crazy.

She is starts crying when I tell her that she is choosing an abuser over her daughter. At this point I don't even care how she feels. Since she made it very clear that she is staying with him I cannot do much about her. She probably needs as much therapy as my father.

I tell her I will be picking up Baby's toys because we will not be coming over for a long time. She tells me that with my dad getting help he will be fine soon and that we will be able to come over in a few weeks. Is she crazy? No we will not be seeing him in years! When I told her dad she started to cry and told me she cannot do this anymore and left.

My father has had these issues from the time he was a very little boy. He needs years of therapy before he will ever be okay. Or before I will feel okay with going anywhere near him let alone have a relationship with him.

I have always wanted a good relationship with my father and have tried over and over and over again to do that but he apparently never wanted that. I thought all fathers wanted a relationship with their daughters and a good one at that.

Girls out there if you have a good relationship with your father, call them and thank them for being amazing fathers. Call your mothers and thank them for marrying a great person.

I have a friend on facebook who messaged me that she grew up with the same issues but her mother at one point was brave enough to leave her father. What a lucky young woman to have a mother who realized that she didn't want that for her kids. I wish this was my story but its not.

I now need to figure out what it is that I need to do. Hopefully I can get into some therapy that will help me. I do not want to be the person who years from now blames others when she beats her children or losses her temper on them all the time. I need help now because I want to be healthy mentally for my husband and child. Its not too late for me. I know that.


Benita said...

It takes on the average 7 times for a woman to leave and stay gone from an abuser. It is not understood nor will it ever be until a person goes through it themself. I could never comprehend why I saw woman do this until I went through it myself. There are many fears when thinking of leaving an abuser. Will he kill me? How will I pay for bills when he makes all the money? Where will I go? What about the kids? THe men gain such control that the woman doesnt know what to do. Attacking the woman is the worst thing to do. Tell her you love her and want the best for her and that you will help in any way. But that if she chooses to not get help and leave then you must wash your hands of the situation for it is best for you and your family. BUt that you will be there if she does ever choose to leave him.

If your dad has gotten help but not gotten better or refuses to get help then God does not judge her for wanting to leave him!

Brad and Danielle said...

I feel a little guilty for reading all of this because I don't know you very well. All I can say is I'm so sorry for your situation.

You are a courageous woman, wife, and mother. I applaud you for breaking the cycle. Both your father and mother were abused and they have passed it on to the next generation by abusing (and allowing the abuse of) you and your siblings. Your beautiful son is lucky to have you as his mother. Bad things happened and are happening to you but you will not pass it on to him. Way to go momma.

You are right that someone who hasn't experienced these things doesn't know what it feels like. I feel I don't have much advice because I haven't experienced it and don't know the situation. I don't really know what to say even for comfort.

The only advice I can give is for you to talk to your bishop. Tell him what is going on and that you are struggling with these problems. I know bishops can help point you to councilors and maybe therapists for further help.

God bless you and your sweet family. I know we don't know each other very well, but I am more than willing to help in any way I can. Including watching Baby for you when you work if your mom now can't. I really hope things get better for you and your family.