Saturday, June 4, 2011

Working on 3 hours of sleep

Last night might have been the worse night of my life.

And that is saying a lot considering I slept in the same house as my father for years.

I went to bed around 12am and I was not able to go to sleep till after 3:45am. Every time I would close my eyes I would see his face and him charging at me with his hands in such a way that I knew he was trying to kill me. Yeah not a very good thing. I also kept on shaking all night long.

I am a mess.

My appetite is completely gone and I am on the verge of tears all day long.

How do people deal with this? How did I ever deal with this growing up?

I don't even know or remember. I am able to remember the beatings but never what happened right afterwards. Did I cry? Did I lock myself in my room? Did my mom come comfort me? Who knows.

I do remember one time around 14 when he made me pull my pants down and he whipped me with the belt, after that I remember crying in my room and him yelling to me to stop crying so loud. How dare he. That day I decided I wanted to die, whats the point of living like that I figured. This was before we had the internet, thank goodness. I didn't even know how to kill myself. I tried holding my breath but that didn't work. Finally I just gave up but kept on crying. When my mother came up to see how I was I told her how I wanted to no longer live because this life was too hard, my father heard me and he mocked me and laughed at me. Yeah, pretty much sucks.

I think that a lot of times people who are abused block things out of their memories. It might be a coping mechanism. How do people ever get thru this kind of thing?

1 comment:

Midwayedancer said...

Laura-- I'm so sorry you are going through all of this. I have been reading along, but wasn't sure of what to say. What you are going through and have been through is not right and I am proud of you for putting your foot down. I feel sorry that your mother is so incapable of standing up for herself or for you. Is there anyway you can see a counselor or a therapist? Right now, you (and your family) really are in crisis. **hugs**