Last night might have been the worse night of my life.
And that is saying a lot considering I slept in the same house as my father for years.
I went to bed around 12am and I was not able to go to sleep till after 3:45am. Every time I would close my eyes I would see his face and him charging at me with his hands in such a way that I knew he was trying to kill me. Yeah not a very good thing. I also kept on shaking all night long.
I am a mess.
My appetite is completely gone and I am on the verge of tears all day long.
How do people deal with this? How did I ever deal with this growing up?
I don't even know or remember. I am able to remember the beatings but never what happened right afterwards. Did I cry? Did I lock myself in my room? Did my mom come comfort me? Who knows.
I do remember one time around 14 when he made me pull my pants down and he whipped me with the belt, after that I remember crying in my room and him yelling to me to stop crying so loud. How dare he. That day I decided I wanted to die, whats the point of living like that I figured. This was before we had the internet, thank goodness. I didn't even know how to kill myself. I tried holding my breath but that didn't work. Finally I just gave up but kept on crying. When my mother came up to see how I was I told her how I wanted to no longer live because this life was too hard, my father heard me and he mocked me and laughed at me. Yeah, pretty much sucks.
I think that a lot of times people who are abused block things out of their memories. It might be a coping mechanism. How do people ever get thru this kind of thing?