Wednesday, June 6, 2012

A year ago

Well a year ago my little "happy" life came crumbling down. Everything I had worked so hard to hide from the rest of the world and tried to show was no more.

My father decided all on his own to completely ruin mine and his relationship for good to the point of no repair, he also decided to ruin my relationship with my mother and my one bother all in the matter of probably seconds or maybe minutes who knows. What I do know is that he is a selfish person for taking it on himself to do this to our family.

I took all the beatings and verbal abuse while under his authority however the second I got married and had a child he no longer was in control of me. I believe he hated not being in control of me and the fact that I could say and do what I pleased. I believe a year ago when he put his hands on me for the last time in his life he did it to show me he still had control over me. What a sorry excuse of a man.

Going through that has made me open my eyes so much in so many ways. I know realize how dysfunctional my whole life had been, how hypocritical my parents were, how horribly judgmental they were my whole life, how un-Christ like they are. It opened my eyes to how the LDS church really works.

After what my father did I made a HUGE mistake and didn't call the cops of my father I should have and that is the only regret I have in my life. I however thought that when he and my mother went and spoke with their bishop he would be put on probation or at least have his temple recommend taken away. None of that happened. I was completely shocked. Devastated! Completely left to fill like I was not important. My thoughts were, how dare the church allow abusers continue allowing him to teach and go to the temple? The temple people. One of the most sacred places on earth. How can such filth go in there? Then to top it off I go and ask for help from my bishop and the first thing he asks is why we aren't paying tithing. Really? First time I have ever talked to you and this is what you bring up? How about the fact that my husband is inactive but no that wasn't good enough because I needed to somehow convince him otherwise or I was an accomplice to it. Are you shitting me? So that right the made it all clear for me. The reason my father can go to the temple is because he pays tithing I however can't even ask for mental help from the church unless I pay tithing let alone go to the temple. Ok, ok, so as long as I pay my tithing I can be a horrible human being and still be considered a worthy member of the church. Wow my eyes were opened wide. I have not stepped a foot in church since the day I went in to ask for help from my bishop. Major fail. And this is a "man called of God" I refuse to believe that.

Funny how things work though. My relationship with my Heavenly Father has never been better. My relationship with my husband has become so much better. I have tried my hardest to become the best mother I can be through begging my Heavenly Father for help everyday. I truly know that my Heavenly Father loves me and knows what I go through every single day of my life. I talk to him more regularly than ever. He is the only Father I will ever need and I cannot wait till I get to heaven and get to how him the biggest hug and show him the person I have become.

I can now see why it was that I needed to go through all of this. I was the person who Heavenly Father knew could make it through it. I am no longer the person I was a year ago and for that I am thankful. I was not a good person then, I am now trying to better myself and that is why we are here on earth.

I cherish my baby more every day because of the trials I had to go through and will make sure he doesn't have to go through this.

I have only spoken to my father once as he asked to speak to me so I had him meet me at my therapist office. That was another eye opening moment. This man is not okay in his head. He basically told me he wanted me to forget about everything and move forward with a relationship with him. Over my dead body. I read to him the conditions in which I would have contact with him but he doesn't believe he needs help. Crazy I tell you. Then he proceeded to tell my therapist how when I was a teenager I was super ungrateful, left me speechless. I have yet to meet a grateful teenager. However I didn't think I was as ungrateful as he made me seem but who knows maybe I was. Then he told the therapist how he has never gotten a thank you from me for everything he did for me like move me to the states work to buy food and clothes. By this point my therapist was doubt founded didn't know what to say. I didn't get the memo that you have to thank your parents for feeding you and clothing you. I have always said how grateful I am that we moved to the states don't know what else to say. I didn't choose to be born though. Him and my mom chose to have sex and make a child and that child just so happened to be me. Once you make that choice you are kinda stuck with that child and now it's your responsibility to feed them and dress them. I was so confused as to what his logic is but there just is non. I went into that meeting hoping for the best but expecting the worse so I wasn't too disappointed as I got what I was expecting. Sad to say I will probably never have a relationship with him. However he doesn't care so I am trying to not feel sad about this. It's his loss that he doesn't get to have this amazing person (haha) in his life or his precious grandbaby. He sure is missing out. We aren't though, missing out cause thank the good Lord above he has given me amazing friends and family to help me out and push me along and all love is no matter what.

Life is funny sometimes or sad but things really do get figured out eventually. I love my life now!

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