Well I have decided I must have a therapy session at least every 3 weeks if I go longer than that I start having melt downs. I had scheduled my therapy session for exactly 3 weeks away but my therapist had something come up so he scheduled me for the next day. By Wednesday night I started my downward spiral. No joke! And by Thursday I was just on full blown melt down like my husband, I am sure thought I was ready for the loony house.
At breakfast I spilled some water on my food and that was honestly enough for me to completely loose it. I started yelling at Jon and Mookie to please not look at me as I was completely having a melt down over my breakfast. Poor Mookie and Jon for having to see me in such a state. Mookie just kept on asking if I was ok which helped snap me out of it and then I was able to laugh about it. I wish that was the end of my story but no I eventually cried on the phone to my brother who cannot deal with emotional women and then flipped on my mother.
I keep going back to the same thing and doing and saying the same things hoping for a different outcome sadly not really realizing I won't EVER be getting a different response than I have gotten the last almost year. I think this is the definition of insane though so I just need to stop doing it.
My therapist told me some things I needed to hear today which were really good. One of them was that I need to come to terms with the fact that in this life I won't ever have a relationship with my father because he won't ever do the things that are in my "check list" I need to just leave that for after this life. I will for sure work on this. He also told me that I continue to have my melt downs most likely because I like feeling the adrenaline rush that I get during those moments. It's like an addiction. Lovely! Just what Jon keeps on saying. So I need to find a new way to get an adrenaline rush and get all that build up anger out. He told me to look at doing cardio.