Thursday, January 31, 2013


Came across this quote, don't know who said it but so true:

"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness but because you deserve peace"

This has really been on my mind the last few months or so.

I am the type of person who loves to love and I love easily and freely. I also can normally forgive easily but when I am really hurt its close to impossible.

When it comes to my father I truly feel betrayed and hurt beyond believe. I have now come to the conclusion that he will never understand or do the things that I need him to do in order for me to be able to have a relationship with him.

Bentley started asking questions as to who my father was, where he lived, what his name was. This made me start thinking if I wanted Bentley growing up not knowing who my father was and having questions. I don't believe that would be the right thing to do. See my grandfather was just like my father and I wasn't kept from him and guess what, I grew up not really liking my grandfather. Not because of things I heard because I never heard anything negative about him until later on in life but because he was not a very nice person and I knew that at a very young age. So true colors come out and Bentley can make his own decision whether or not he wants a relationship with his grandfather. I won't say anything negative about it to Bentley but I also won't allow him to see him without me or my mother there. She knows if something happened to Bentley under her watch I would be completely done with her.

So one day I got the courage to go to my moms house while my dad was there. I am glad I did.

I went in there thinking I did nothing wrong, he did. I have nothing to be ashamed of but he does. I now know what he is capable of and I no longer fear him. So I walked in there and you could tell he felt super uncomfortable. He didn't say anything to me and left pretty quickly.

Since then I have actually said hello.

I know that I will never have a close relationship with him because he is not willing to acknowledge anything but at least I can be in the same room as him.

He actually treats Bentley really sweetly so of course that tugs at my heart.

Ever since just kinda giving up on getting what I wanted a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders when it comes to that.

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