Another melt down

I do not know what is going on with me but I am having these melt downs more often then.

I also have gone from being mad and upset with the whole situation to hating my father and wishing awful things on him. I know this is no bueno.

The other day I flipped on my mother again. She keeps on making excuses for him and I hate hearing it. Anytime she says "I am not defending him but..." yeah if you have to start a sentence that way then she should know better because that to me is defending someone. So yeah I flipped on her, I am sure I probably broke her heart and made her very sad but at this point I kinda don't care. She nor my father cared too much when they were breaking us down so why should I care now is my thinking. While having my melt down I said some really mean things about my father which really hurt her but who cares. She really wants all of this to go away and for me to never bring back up again and that just is not how this works.

She keeps on asking me what I want from her and why I am so angry with her. I have been able to tell her the reasons I am so mad at her and so that is very clear to her but I really do not know what I want from her for me to be able to move on. At this point the only thing I want is to cause her the same amount of pain I am experiencing. I know that is evil and a horrible thing. I also hope that my father is experiencing the same or more pain that I am.

I can honestly say I hate him for everything that he has done to me.

Right after this happened I didn't feel hate I felt sorry for him but I am beyond feeling sorry and this is not good for me. I have so much anger build up inside of me and I need to do something about it. At this point I would love to get the chance to beat the shit out of my father in all honesty. I know that will never happen but I can dream.

I am thinking the next time my mother ask what she can do to make things better that I am going to ask for them to pay for my counseling. They caused me these issues they can pay for them to get fix if they really care about me. I guess I will see what she says.

I really hope that some day soon I can get rid of the hate I have in my heart but it just does not seem possible.