School

Well it's been a good summer but it never last nearly long enough.

Jon goes back to school tomorrow and this semester he needs to kick butt to get he GPA to what he needs it to be so I know he is super nervous. He has a full semester with 2 fairly easy and 2 hard classes. Once he is done with this semester he will only have 3 more till he graduates, yay! However after that he still will have 3 more semesters to get his Masters. So we still have a LONG way to go till he is one with school but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it at the end. I hope at least, haha.

This week I also start working again. I will be working 4 days a week since Jon will be cutting his hours down to make sure he does good this semester.

Life keeps changing all the time!

5 year Anniversary

5 years ago today, at this same time I was on my way up to Lake Arrowhead in California from San Diego. I was getting ready to marry the love of my life in just a few short hours. I remember that day like it was just yesterday.

Our wedding day was beautiful, simple, elegant, romantic and private. A very special day for me. It was held right next to the lake and the pictures are just pure beauty.

I thank the Lord above every single day of my life that I met Jon. I don't think he realizes this but he truly has saved me from what my life would have been other wise. I love that man more than anything in this world. He makes me the happiest person on the planet.

A lot has happened in those 5 years but the most important thing is that we have grown up a lot and grown closer to each other. We know each other better than anyone else. The best thing however that has happened to us in those 5 years has been our son, he is our pride and joy.

I am truly lucky to have him in my life!

Tour of Utah

We have become a biking family and we love it.

I personally do not bike half as much as my husband does, he normally bikes 100 miles a week, I might do 20 but we do both have road bike and love being able to go out for rides.

So of course whenever you like a sport you really get all into it. This was a fun way to really get into the sport and get to see what the professionals do. The one cool thing about cycling is that this is the only sport where you are able to get so close to the professionals. Like if I extended my hand out I could have touched most of them. Pretty cool.

Anyways once we found out about the Tour of Utah we decided we would be going to at least 3 of the stages and that we did.

The first stage was in Ogden which was perfect and we had fun seeing the guys for the first time. We also went to stage 3 and 4 and we had a blast at stage 4 up at Capital Hill.

Jon's aunt and uncle are into biking BIG time so they flew out here for this and they had a blast and we enjoyed having them out here. I love when family comes out and we get to stay up late talking and just having fun. We all camped out at Jon's sisters house and the kids had fun playing with each other.

This is George Hincapie.

Bob Roll, used to be a cyclist now is a commentator

The guy in the yellow shirt is Levi and he is the guy who won the Tour of Utah

Funny story

With everything going on personally in my life I have been so tempted to drink and I don't mean water. I just feel like I need something to numb me for a few hours. I know this is horrible but it's the truth. I think my dear husband is super worried.

Last week I was making Peruvian roasted chicken and the recipe called for half a can of beer so I send Jon out to get me some for it. He watched me like a hawk and as soon as he saw I was done with the beer he ran over and emptied the rest of it and then tinder the can out. I had to laugh a little cause what does he think I am a crack addict and am going to lick the can to get some beer.

I know that the second you start to drink alcohol or take meds to numb pain is the moment you will get addicted to it because it only numbs you for a little bit and then you will need more. I know that but there are times or days it would be nice. Just saying.....

I know I am LDS I shouldn't be thinking that or let alone saying it but I am:(

Still no answer

I had told my mom a few days ago that what I wanted from her was for my parents to pay for my therapy sessions and she told me she would talk to my father about it. She made it seem like she thought that was doable.

Well its been almost a week since we had that talk and she barely talks to me, will only call to find out how Baby is doing. She has not mentioned what I said to her at all. I will give her till the middle of the month and then I will ask for an answer.

I know my mother would pay for it but I am just not sure my father would.

Lagoon and lake again

We had bounce backs for Lagoon which meant we could get in for only $10 a person so we decided we had to take advantage of that before it expired. Our friends also had the same thing so after work we all met up there and had an awesome night.

For the first time in over 14 years I actually got on a roller coaster. I am so glad my friend Ashley loves them goes it gave me the push I needed to get on them and my heck did I have a blast. I felt like a teenager again like I didn't have a care in the world for a few minutes. We went on almost all the roller coasters. On the last ride I also pooped myself it was so scary but still super fun.

I am so glad they came along cause it just made it so much more fun. I wish I would have gotten pictures with them but by the time I thought about it, it was dark and the only picture we got Ashley didn't like so I am not putting it up online.

My sister-in-law and her family also came along with my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and my brother which makes it always fun for Baby and he loves seeing his cousins and auntie.



The next day my sister-in-law with her family and my brother met up with us at the lake that we went to last week. We had such a fun time. Baby was a little on the not listening side today but what 2 year doesn't have those days. Heck what grown up doesn't have those days. Baby had so much fun playing with his cousin, uncle and tio. I got to just relax and talk to my sister-in-law and see her precious baby who is getting so big.

The weather today was perfect summer weather too hot and sunny but being right next to water is what makes it perfect. I am going to miss this nice weather that pretty soon will be gone but until it is gone I will enjoy it to the max. Next few week you will find me at the pool just about every day.

Allowance

My child is confused...hahaha...no really he thinks we have maids up in here.

I would give him a popsicle and when he was done with it he would either call me to come get it from him or just throw it on the floor. Yeah I finally had to do something. Not only that but he had started dumping all his toys all over the house and would not pick them up. I am not a maid and do not get paid so therefore this behavior needed to come to a stop.

I have heard people giving their young children chores or things they need to do so I figure why not try this. We sat him down and talk to him about what things he needed to help me with and here they are: he must pick up all his toys before going to bed, he must throw out all his trash and diapers and he must help me put away all the utensils after they have been washed. I figured I can't give him too many things to do at this age but he is at least getting the concept that he needs to pull some of his weight in this family.

We also let him know that from now on we will only buy him toys on special occasions but if there are toys he really wants he will have to buy them himself with his allowance money that he gets weekly. If he does all the things he is supposed on a daily basis than he will get $2 a week that he gets to save for things that he really wants.

He already saved enough money to buy himself a spiderman toy that he had been wanting for sometime. I think its pretty cool that he can buy his own things. Throughout the day when he doesn't want to do something I remind him he won't get his allowance so right away he goes and does what he is supposed to.

Am I a good mom?

In the 2 years I have been a mother I have not once heard my mother or father tell me that I am doing a good job. The only thing I have ever heard is that all Baby needs is a good beating and that will set him straight. How dare my father say that right?

I asked my mother the other day why she has never said this to me and she refuses to answer me. She completely changes the subject on me. I got so heated that no matter what I will always be a better mother than she ever was to me. Yup, I know that hurts her but how dare she even after all of this that has happened she not tell me that I am a good mother. She sees that I am not yelling at Baby or hitting him. She sees that my Baby is a happy little boy who for a 2 year old is amazingly behaved.

My mother-in-law tells me every single time she sees me that I am an amazing mother and she will give me examples of why I am. I love that lady. I am sure she does not even know how much that means to me to hear her say that.

Confused

My brother the one I am no longer talking to the other day text me asking if I wanted to go to lunch with him. It was the same day I was at Lagoon so I couldn't go but either way I am not sure I would have gone.

I asked him why after 2 months of not talking would he ask me out to lunch and he says that he was hungry and didn't want to have to go by himself and had no one else to go with. What?? Is he crazy? So I start to think that at this point he just wants to use me like he has done for years now and I let him know that that's using someone. He does not see it that way so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him if maybe he asked me out so we could talk things over and then he tells me that if I am going there to just forget about it. Ummm...yeah this might be a mentally sick person I don't know.

I think because my whole life bad things would happen to all of us and we had to just move on so we would always try to pretend like nothing ever happen and just never talk about it. I am thinking he realizes it sucks not having me in his life but he is not willing to apologize or even talk about it, he just wants to do the normal thing that we have always done in this family but not this time. I let him know that if he wants a relationship with me he will have to apologize to me for the things he said, he will have to acknowledge everything that has happened in our life and stop calling me a liar and he will really have to find out why on God's earth he would ever say the things he said to me. I don't think he will ever do any of that but at least he now knows what he needs to do to have some type of a relationship with me which will never be the same as before.

He actually never really even liked my son. He was super mean to him every single time he would see him. Which makes me sad.

Another melt down

I do not know what is going on with me but I am having these melt downs more often then.

I also have gone from being mad and upset with the whole situation to hating my father and wishing awful things on him. I know this is no bueno.

The other day I flipped on my mother again. She keeps on making excuses for him and I hate hearing it. Anytime she says "I am not defending him but..." yeah if you have to start a sentence that way then she should know better because that to me is defending someone. So yeah I flipped on her, I am sure I probably broke her heart and made her very sad but at this point I kinda don't care. She nor my father cared too much when they were breaking us down so why should I care now is my thinking. While having my melt down I said some really mean things about my father which really hurt her but who cares. She really wants all of this to go away and for me to never bring back up again and that just is not how this works.

She keeps on asking me what I want from her and why I am so angry with her. I have been able to tell her the reasons I am so mad at her and so that is very clear to her but I really do not know what I want from her for me to be able to move on. At this point the only thing I want is to cause her the same amount of pain I am experiencing. I know that is evil and a horrible thing. I also hope that my father is experiencing the same or more pain that I am.

I can honestly say I hate him for everything that he has done to me.

Right after this happened I didn't feel hate I felt sorry for him but I am beyond feeling sorry and this is not good for me. I have so much anger build up inside of me and I need to do something about it. At this point I would love to get the chance to beat the shit out of my father in all honesty. I know that will never happen but I can dream.

I am thinking the next time my mother ask what she can do to make things better that I am going to ask for them to pay for my counseling. They caused me these issues they can pay for them to get fix if they really care about me. I guess I will see what she says.

I really hope that some day soon I can get rid of the hate I have in my heart but it just does not seem possible.

Motto

"If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else."

I am reading Dave Ramsey's "The Total Money Makeover" book which I have heard great things about. My mother-in-law has been trying to get us to even take one of his courses thru the Peace University thing that he does and we were dumb and not willing to accept that we really need this. We are not great at dealing with our finances like most Americans. So finally my mother-in-law just went ahead and got us the book and the billfold that comes with it. I could not be more grateful. I have started reading the book and once I am done I will go with Jon and take the course so I really know how to deal with our finances and get rid of our debt and start building a good savings account and start making smart decisions with out money.

I know the hard part will be actually getting started and not being able to do or get some of the things that we actually enjoy getting or doing but I really need to keep on repeating what his motto says.

Fun at the Lake

One thing that I love about Utah is that there are ton of lakes you can go to during the summer and swim in. Since moving up to Northern Utah 3 years ago we have really started to enjoy this beautiful state so during the summer we normally go multiple times to the lakes.

This year though the weather had been kinda crappy so today was our first time going out to the lake and oh how I have missed it.

The weather was kinda crappy still, we even had rain at some point but that's when most of us decided to get in the water, might as well since we were going to get anyways. It stopped raining quickly and the sun came out shortly there after and we had a blast. My cousin came with her 2 kids and her other son's girlfriend who is pretty cool. My brother and brother-in-law also came with us.

We had so much fun my husband declared we will be going back next week for another fun day at the lake.

On our way back we saw a waterfall and had to get down and take pictures.