Monday, April 8, 2013
This picture makes me happy.
Funny and weird cause just 2 years ago it would have angered me to no end and made me feel super sad.
Amazing what 2 years can do.
Growing up I had a really hard time forgiving. I held grudges for a very long time. I am known for not talking to my best friend growing up for about 3-4 years because he talked to some girl that I didn't like. Yeah crazy! I know. I am sure he thinks I am a weirdo. Then I went about 5 years not talking to another really good friend because of some boyfriend I had and something she said about him. This is probably one of the reasons why I see people who have friends from childhood and I don't. I hold grudges for too long and have a hard time forgiving others.
Since having Bentley I feel like I have been on a mission to better myself as I know I am a highly imperfect person but I want to be a better example to my boy.
I know that I make mistakes and hurt people and even make my Heavenly Father sad at times but yet I am forgiven. I want to be the type of person who can forgive easily. I am getting there people. I don't hold grudges as long and try to understand everyone's situation when things happen. I am starting to be able to forgive easier; I am not dumb so I will never forget how that person made me feel but I will forgive eventually.
That is what has happened with my father. I know he did some horrible things to me and my siblings but I have been able to see clearly how horrible of a childhood he had and how 50 some years of living a certain way will make you a damaged person. I know that he will never tell me the things I need to hear from him to have a real relationship with him but I also can no longer go on holding a grudge. I needed to let go of that weight I was carrying around that was making me an angry and bitter person which is not who I want to be known as. It has been amazing to be able to be in the same room as him. He isn't perfect and neither am I. He treats my boy good and to me that's all that matters at the moment. I really want Bentley to be able to choose who he wants in his life and not for it to be a choice based on my opinions.
None of this would have been possible without my Savior. I spend many nights crying my eyes out to him after my family went to sleep. I spend many nights reading and pondering and wishing and hoping. The most important thing is that those horrible nights where all I could do was pray to my Heavenly Father and Savior to please carry my weight just for a few hours so I could sleep I felt my Savior's warmth around me. I know my prayer were and continue to be answered on a daily basis. Sometimes I don't see it in the moment but when I sit down and look at what things have happened throughout my day I know for a fact my Heavenly Father and Savior are with me constantly. I know that my son can feel their presence too. We sit almost every night and talk about our day and most days my boy will tell me how he either saw Jesus or felt him around us, gives me goosebumps to hear those words come out of my boy. Those are the moments that make me feel like I must be doing something right with him.
Life is too short to live hating someone or bitter towards someone. We have all come to earth to gain a body and to suffer and be happy. We all go through hard times and make horrible choices and at some point need to ask for forgiveness so if I do my part and am able to forgive I would hope that when I have to stand in front of my God and Savior they will have mercy on me. I want to show this to my son and have him realize how special everyone is that comes into our lives.