I have now been going for 7 months and I have come to the conclusion that I will need to see a therapist for the rest of my life to figure out all the shit in my head or I will go crazy an have to go live in the mental institute.
At times I feel like I got this, my life is in control and then other times I feel like I am just such a mess. I have so many messed up ideas and views that were fed to me and that I am trying to demolish but that's a hard thing to do.
I have met with my father at my therapist because my father wanted to talk to me. I should have known better but down deep inside of me I was hoping he had changed. So basically he wanted me to forget everything, forgive him, move on and have a relationship with him. I have been there done that my whole entire life and for what good? None at all cause eventually he explodes again and beats the shit out of me again or puts me down. I told him I forgive him but a relationship with someone who refuses to admit he was wrong, continues lying and refuses to get help is just not healthy for me or my family. After that meeting my therapist basically told me I need to move on and not expect a relationship with him because he won't ever do what I feel he needs to do. Oh the best part of the meeting was hearing him tell me how I have traumatized him because of the things I did as a teenager. I laughed at that. Then he tells my therapist how I am so ungrateful and how I never thanked him for him buying me clothes and feeding me. Even my therapist didn't know what to say. Anyways that meeting was a big failure. I should have never given him that opportunity because now I am the bad person cause he apologized (which he didn't) and I won't accept his apology. It is so hard seeing people have a good relationship with their fathers, makes me so jealous cause that's all I ever wanted.
I am again having issues with food. I feel like that is the only thing in my life that I can actually control so I won't eat and just starve myself all day and it actually (as sick as this sounds) feels good when I go without eating. I know I need help cause this is not good. I was dropping to a weight I know is not good for me.
I get so caught up in the every day stuff that I forget I deserve to have some "me" time and that I need to work on myself. I need to somehow figure out how to have time for myself cause I know that will make me a better wife and mother.