God gave me you

Have you heard this song? I had never heard of it which makes me pretty lame and now I know for sure I am no longer cool but besides that I just heard about it yesterday as my husband was playing it to me on his guitar and singing it to me. The day before while at work him and Mookie had been practicing to see it to me. How sweet it that. Here are the lyrics.

I’ve been a walking heartache

I’ve made a mess of me

The person that I’ve been lately

Ain’t who I wanna be

But you stay here right beside me

Watch as the storm goes through

And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I’ve lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you

There’s more here than what were seeing

A divine conspiracy

That you, an angel lovely

Could somehow fall for me

You’ll always be love’s great martyr

Ill be the flattered fool

And I need you

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I’ve lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you

On my own I’m only

Half of what I could be

I can’t do without you

We are stitched together

And what love has tethered

I pray we never undo

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

God gave me you for the ups and downs

God gave me you for the days of doubt

For when I think I’ve lost my way

There are no words here left to say, it’s true

God gave me you, gave me you

Gave me you

There are honestly some people in my life who I feel exactly this way about. My husband being one of them and my child of course cause without them I would be completely lost. I also have a friend who I tell this to every time I see her that I just feel like for some reason we were meant to be in each others life no matter what. My cousin is another one who I just feel like God knew that I needed her in my life right now for a reason and this is why I am where I am at this moment in time. She has been my rock along with my husband. My siblings are the others that I know are in my life for a reason. I love these people so very much.

Stress reliever

Yesterday I had another therapy session which are always good and much needed for my sanity. I love my therapist, he always gives me such great advice.

We always recap what I have been up to and so I told him I had gone gun shooting and how it was such a great stress reliever. My therapist was completely shocked that I had gone shooting. I guess he didn't see me as someone who would like that.

I have only gone shooting 3 times my whole life. My husband however goes all the time and is always asking me to go but up until lately I have been terrified to even be in the same room as where he is cleaning the guns. After my neighbor incident I decided I needed to learn to use one to protect myself and so that's what I am doing. However it has become a great stress reliever. I now can't wait till we can go again.

City Creek

A new mall opened up in Salt Lake City last week and everyone has been talking about it. So on my first day off I decided we had to go. We took the train down and had a blast.

They have all the cool stores that use to not be in Utah, which is totally awesome for me. The 3 stores I was the most looking forward to were The Limited, Disney and Tiffany & Co. I was finally able to get some super comfy jeans that weren't ridiculously pricey they were actually super cheap cause they had a sale, woohoo! The girls that work there are all fabulous, every single one was amazing. Then off we went to Disney and I was surprised with how cheap everything was so we got Mookie the Woody he has been wanting for a long time for $20 cheaper than Walmart however I was highly disappointed by the fact that they had only 2 things that were princess Tiana. I had been waiting for a Disney store near me to open up so I could buy Mookie a princess Tiana shirt so that was the one thin I was looking for but was not able to get. I guess too many white people in this state. I like my ethnic princesses better, ha. Then off we went to find Tiffany & Co. I was in heaven, really I heard angels sing when I walked in. Truly a girls dream. There were a lot of beautiful things in that store but this was my all time favorite that maybe some day very far from now I can buy.

All in all we had a so much fun and I will be going back once I get my 50% off coupon for The Limited.

Movie time

Mookie has completely broken our TV. I was really sad at first but quickly realized that it was a good thing even though we had just bought the TV 4 months ago.

Mookie has been now eating at the table, playing pretend, using his imagination non-stop, wanting to do art projects, puzzles and tons of more stuff.

We just got the movie HOP and so this is how we are watching it.

Myotonic Dystrophy

So the majority of the world probably has never heard of this and to be honest neither had I until about 4 years ago. It is a form of muscular dystrophy. Basically all your muscles will no longer work and that is how you go.

My one brother had weird things that started happening to him at the age of 12. His fingers would go numb, it was hard to open his hands at times and his speech became noticeably different. My parents took him to all sort of doctors and no one could come up with what it was. They said everything from him just being shy to having arthritist to it just being in his head.

As the years went by thing didn't get better they got worse. 4 years ago he had pretty good health insurance so started to get tested and still nothing until he found a doctor who was able give him to insite into what he might have. That was the first time we had ever heard of myotonic dystrophy. None of us understood this or what it was.

Now that a few years has gone by there does not go a day that I don't think of this. My brother's situation will not get better it just gets worse and there is no treatment or therapy or anything that he can do to slow it down or to stop it. I have done a lot of internet research on this and so I am now fully aware of what this means for my brother.

I wish that was the end of it but its not. My other brother and sister also have the same symptoms or similar ones as my older brother. They have not been diagnosed but we now understand that they most likely have this. My heart breaks for them. I feel so guilty at times that I am the only one who doesn't not have this. I saw a genetisist while pregnant to see if I had this and if my son could have this. It turns out I am the only sibling who doesn't.

Just last week my brother was at one of his appointments and the doctor let him know that he probably won't live past 50. My mother was the one that call me to tell me this. I have been having a hard time sleeping since cause I cry a lot at night. I feel so bad for my brother. He means the world to me. I honestly don't know how he deals with all of this. He is such an active person, he runs, loves swimming, does road biking and mountain biking, loves hiking. This I know has been so hard for him.

I just pray that a miracle happens and doctors can figure out how to treat this. It is such a heart breaking thing to watch your siblings suffer this way and to see my mom and the pain and guilt she feels knowing she is the one that past this onto them.

I know this life is all about learning from your experiances and hopefully becoming a better person so I am just trying to really see what it is that I need to learn from all of this but I tell you this is not easy.

Retail therapy

My best friend has had a rough few years and that's putting it lightly. She has literally been thru hell and back. A mothers worst nightmare came true to her almost 2 years ago. My heart broke for her at the time and I honestly don't know how she made it thru cause I would not have without a visit to the mental hospital. She is truly the most amazing woman on the planet and I am so lucky I get to call her my friend. She is honestly like a sister to me, I love her.

Anyways after Christmas I had some money left over and I didn't know what to do with it cause it wasn't savings money, it was my own money to do as I pleased with it. I kept on thinking about what to do with it. I thought about having a girls weekend in Vegas but turns out I don't have that many good friends here who would or could go.

A month ago Jon and I both came up with the idea of surprising my friend and taking her out shopping. She has recently lost all her baby weight after 3 pregnancies and she totally deserved to go shopping.

Yesterday was the day I was surprising her and that's what I did. I loved getting to shop for her and we were able to find her a couple outfits. I know I love being able to put on new clothes cause it makes me feel good and lifts up my self esteem for just a little bit. Anyways I had a blast doing this for someone who truly deserved it. I wish I had taken tons of picture but just got one not really good one. I'll still share that one.

Happiness Journal

In my last therapy session I realize (well I kinda knew it before going in) that I am a little bit depressed. I asked my therapist what I could do to get me out of feeling that way without taking meds. He told me that I should probably start working out regularly which I know I should but when you are down its super hard getting up in the morning to work out. Anyways, he also told me to keep a journal and to try and be more positive.

Being positive is not in my nature. I did not grow up with positive parents, everything was negative in my home growing up. Nothing was ever enough. So I started looking online ways to be positive but nothing was hitting a spot until a friend on Facebook posted about "the happiness journal" I immediately went on amazon and looked for it. It's a small journal that gives you 4-5 lines to write about your day. Basically getting you to think about what made your day good. I went to a book store this week and bought it.

Now every night before going to bed I think about my day and what made it a good day. I am loving doing this because then I don't give my self the chance to say "today was bad because..." which I normally would do. Instead I have to look at the good of my day. Just in 5 days I have really noticed a difference in my attitude throughout my day. I also am more aware of making sure I have a good day cause it is a personal choice whether I have a good day or a bad day.

Mini get-a-way

Jon surprised me by booking us a room at a bed and breakfast. He didn't know it was a bed and breakfast or else he wouldn't have booked it cause it sounds weird to me.

We got a babysitter for Mookie and off we went to have a romantic 24 hours.

One of the reasons I fell in love with my husband was his humor and every time we do things together I am reminded of this.

As we were looking for this place we came to a stop at a building and I told my husband that was the building our gps was taking us to and he says "no that's an abandoned building" but it wasn't, it really was where we were spending the night. By that point I was worried. We went in and it was actually really cute, the rooms was pretty new, clean and really nicely done.

We ended up having a good time. It reminded me of when we first were married. We stayed up late watching dumb shows and slept in. It felt so good to sleep in and be brought breakfast to bed.

Funny story, for dinner that night I wore some cute high heels that I hadn't were in 3 years (now I know why) they ripped the back of my foot up. After dinner we went to go walk around the Gateway so I had to walk all around in just socks cause my foot was bleeding and hurting so bad. People kept on looking at me funny so I eventually bought me some rain boots which was the only cheap enough shoe I was willing to buy.

Ceviche

The other day I had some shrimp in the freezer and didnt know what to do with it and so I started looking at recipes online and nothing sounded good until I came to a shrimp ceviche recipe. I ended up having to go to work so I wasn't able to make it so all day long I was then left craving some ceviche. I told my mom who was watching Mookie so by the time I came home she had this ready for me. Oh man and it was super yummy, just what I was wanting. Just writing this is making me want some more.

Therapy

I have now been going for 7 months and I have come to the conclusion that I will need to see a therapist for the rest of my life to figure out all the shit in my head or I will go crazy an have to go live in the mental institute.

At times I feel like I got this, my life is in control and then other times I feel like I am just such a mess. I have so many messed up ideas and views that were fed to me and that I am trying to demolish but that's a hard thing to do.

I have met with my father at my therapist because my father wanted to talk to me. I should have known better but down deep inside of me I was hoping he had changed. So basically he wanted me to forget everything, forgive him, move on and have a relationship with him. I have been there done that my whole entire life and for what good? None at all cause eventually he explodes again and beats the shit out of me again or puts me down. I told him I forgive him but a relationship with someone who refuses to admit he was wrong, continues lying and refuses to get help is just not healthy for me or my family. After that meeting my therapist basically told me I need to move on and not expect a relationship with him because he won't ever do what I feel he needs to do. Oh the best part of the meeting was hearing him tell me how I have traumatized him because of the things I did as a teenager. I laughed at that. Then he tells my therapist how I am so ungrateful and how I never thanked him for him buying me clothes and feeding me. Even my therapist didn't know what to say. Anyways that meeting was a big failure. I should have never given him that opportunity because now I am the bad person cause he apologized (which he didn't) and I won't accept his apology. It is so hard seeing people have a good relationship with their fathers, makes me so jealous cause that's all I ever wanted.

I am again having issues with food. I feel like that is the only thing in my life that I can actually control so I won't eat and just starve myself all day and it actually (as sick as this sounds) feels good when I go without eating. I know I need help cause this is not good. I was dropping to a weight I know is not good for me.

I get so caught up in the every day stuff that I forget I deserve to have some "me" time and that I need to work on myself. I need to somehow figure out how to have time for myself cause I know that will make me a better wife and mother.

Dinner ready

My sweet husband made this dinner for me and had everything ready by the time I got home from work. Isn't he amazing?

Potty training

We have now gone over 2 weeks of Mookie wearing underwear and only had a few accidents and all have been at night with peeing.

Pooping we were having a hard time. He refused to go in the toilet so would ask for a diaper all day long.

Today however I run out of diapers and had no car so I let him know I was no longer buying diapers so he needed to go poop in the toilet he tried several times but nothing. Finally at night time while I was eating dinner and Jon was cleaning his guns Mookie went into the bathroom all by himself and pooped then called us to come check it out.

Of course we made a huge deal about it. Now if he can do that for the next week without any problems he will have earned himself any bicycle he wants from the bike shop and he knows this and has kept talking about it for days. I am hoping we are all done with diapers.

Wedding

My best friend from growing up got married to the most beautiful girl. We could not be happier for him. We had such a fun 2 days celebrating with them this special occasion. Here are some pictures from the day of the wedding the pcitures from the night before are on my phone.