Thursday, December 15, 2011

My mood

I have been in such a horrible mood today. I woke up and after clearly having too much time to think this morning I started to have a self pitty party. My day just spiraled out of control after that. Baby has been having some rough moments lately and have just been making me feel like a bad mother.

Thank goodness I have a pretty amazing cousin who will watch Baby whenever.

So I left him there while I went to work to and then on my way to work I had way too much time again to think and got super depressed and sad. I sometimes feel like I give so much of myself to people and for nothing. I shouldn't care but it does bother sometimes especially on days like today.

I have been having such good days I really need to do something to make sure I never have days like today.

I think part of the reason for my crappy day is that my father has asked to talk to me about a moth ago and tomorrow is the day it's all going down at my therapist office. I am super stressed and anxious about this. I do not know what to expect since I have heard that he is back to his old ways with my siblings so who knows what he wants. I will find out soon enough.

I have written a letter that I will read to him with everything I want to say but as of recently there are more things I want answers to. Will I ever get the answers probably no which makes me kinda sad.

Just today as I am crying I tell my husband that all I ever wanted was a father-daughter relationship with him and I did everything possible to have it but he clearly didn't want that. I just really wanted a normal relationship with both of my parents but I guess that was not in my cards. Gosh dang it and it makes me so mad!

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