My Happily Ever After

Last night

2012-01-27T07:41:00.001-07:00

Well after having a good morning for the most part we came back home and Baby took a nap. After nap time it was back to his way or the highway. Honestly what has gotten into this child? I am so confused since this hasn't really happened before so in the last few days I don't even know what to do.

I had work last night so I left for work soon after his nap and Jon took over. When I get home he seemed to be ok for about 10 minutes after that he wanted Jon to play catch with him but he wanted Jon to lay a certain way and catch the ball a certain way too and when Jon said no that he would catch it from where he was at that was more than reason to lose it. He kept on trying to give more orders to everyone in the house.

I decided shortly after that that it was time to start quiet time in bed to get him to calm down. Thankfully he went to the room all on his own. After that the rest of the night went smoothly and within the hour he was asleep.

I truly do love my precious angel. I think we have probably been so spoiled by him being so good that when he starts acting out a little bit I panic.

Well today is a new day and a new chance to have a fantastic day.

Movies

2012-01-26T13:05:00.001-07:00

Last night was a hard night to say the least. Baby was having a super hard time and I failed as a mother. After talking to my sweet and wonderful mother-in-law late last night I felt re-energized for today and was determined to make today a good day. Baby thrives on a schedule and I have known this for a long time but when you become a working mom it's hard to keep to a schedule specially when my days are all different.

Last night I decided that I will start every day the same exact way t the same exact time. I will also make sure I am spending one on one time with Baby on a regular without there being any distractions. Anyways I will also try some other things in hope of avoiding conflict.

This morning went smoothly with the new schedule and we had no melt downs which was something new. Baby had been asking us to take him to the movies to see the chipmunks so we decided today was a good day since I don't have work till late. He had a ball at the movies.

It's been a good day!

Bread making

2012-01-22T22:48:00.001-07:00

I am so behind on blogging that I will have to do Christmas at another time.

For now I'll just talk about what I have been doing a lot of lately.

I have come across a few blogs that have some amazing and really easy bread recipes and so I really have fallen in love with making my own bread. Baby seems to eat more of it when I make it too so that's a win win situation.

I have been trying to make our weeks worth of bread on Sunday's. I normally make just 2 loaves of honey whole wheat bread but today I felt like having French bread and white sandwich bread. They turned out amazing. The best part is I know have enough bread for probably a week and a half.

I get most of my recipes from the frugal girl. I can't remember right now the other site I look at but frugal girl has a bunch of bread recipes.

Funnies

2011-12-18T18:56:00.001-07:00

Before I forget I have to post this funny story that happened while on our way to California for Thanksgiving.

Before telling you the story I have to tell you that after having a child I am no longer embarrassed of being seen naked, most of the time.

We always stop in Vegas to eat at our favorite Korean restaurant but this time I really had to go pee right as we got off the highway. Like I could not hold it in anymore. So we get off and stop at In-n-Out, I take Baby with me. The bathroom is full so we wait finally get our turn. We go in the stall and as I am in the middle of peeing Baby opens the door completely for everyone in the bathroom to see me peeing and naked. I immediately yell and tell him to close the door but he thought it was too funny and wouldn't close. So now I have to stand up and close it so of course everyone in their mother had to see me naked. Oh and I was in the handicap stall so I actually ha to walk to close the stall.

I was so embarrassed! One person at a time seeing me naked no problem, about 10? Yeah that is too much for me to handle. I had to wait till everyone left the bathroom till I came out and ran as fast as I could out of that place. First time in at least 7 years I have been so embarrassed but it's a funny memory that I wanted to write down and laugh about later on in life.

Bummer

2011-12-16T12:02:00.001-07:00

Well that didn't go as expected. I should have known. It is all about appearances and therefore making any and all excuses possible. So sad sometimes I give people more credit than they deserved.

Yes, I will forgive you.

No, I will not forget.

No, I will not move on and have a relationship until you take accountability for your actions.

So sad. I think I am the only mature and grown person around here and that says a lot cause I never thought of myself as those words.

Such I my life.

My mood

2011-12-15T22:50:00.001-07:00

I have been in such a horrible mood today. I woke up and after clearly having too much time to think this morning I started to have a self pitty party. My day just spiraled out of control after that. Baby has been having some rough moments lately and have just been making me feel like a bad mother.

Thank goodness I have a pretty amazing cousin who will watch Baby whenever.

So I left him there while I went to work to and then on my way to work I had way too much time again to think and got super depressed and sad. I sometimes feel like I give so much of myself to people and for nothing. I shouldn't care but it does bother sometimes especially on days like today.

I have been having such good days I really need to do something to make sure I never have days like today.

I think part of the reason for my crappy day is that my father has asked to talk to me about a moth ago and tomorrow is the day it's all going down at my therapist office. I am super stressed and anxious about this. I do not know what to expect since I have heard that he is back to his old ways with my siblings so who knows what he wants. I will find out soon enough.

I have written a letter that I will read to him with everything I want to say but as of recently there are more things I want answers to. Will I ever get the answers probably no which makes me kinda sad.

Just today as I am crying I tell my husband that all I ever wanted was a father-daughter relationship with him and I did everything possible to have it but he clearly didn't want that. I just really wanted a normal relationship with both of my parents but I guess that was not in my cards. Gosh dang it and it makes me so mad!

Weight watchers

2011-12-11T21:31:00.001-07:00

I have never been on a diet where I have been able to maintain my weight loss.

I got down to the weight I wanted to get to before Thanksgiving and I thought for sure on our trip to California I would gain some of it but I didn't. I didn't follow it completely but I did watch my portions except for Thanksgiving dinner. Since getting back home I have gone back on weight watchers maintains and have been able to keep it off while still eating a lot of the things I love to eat around this time of year. Honestly eat diet out there.

I am sure I will be up a few pounds after our Christmas holiday but that's normal.

My little man

2011-12-11T01:14:00.001-07:00

Since birth we have been doing the whole attached parenting thing with Baby. I am so glad that we chose to do this.

It is a really hard thing to do but I personally have enjoyed it. My husband might say otherwise but he supports me in the way I believe my child needs to be raised.

One of the things we have done since Baby was born is co-sleeping. People think we are crazy for doing this but the beauty of life is that I get to make my own choices with my child. I love nothing more than getting to cuddle my baby and waking up with him right next to me. He does have his own bed which we have had for over a year but has never used it.

The other day I rearranged his room, got rid of toys and so now there's tons of space in the room. So I put the Christmas tree up in his room. Since putting the tree in there he will go lay on his bed and put on a Christmas movie. Tonight though he fell asleep there while I was wrapping gifts. He has now been asleep on his bed for over 3 hours.

I don't even know what to do with myself. I have been trying to avoid having to go to sleep without my little man. I am curious though to see how long he will actually last in his room.

P.S. the last post was all Baby. He is too smart and has figured out how to get on my blog.

2011-12-08T20:30:00.001-07:00

Iurrqaaaaa

California

2011-11-25T12:41:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite things about visiting California are the oranges I get to pick and eat every morning. Super yummy!

iPhone

2011-11-13T11:38:00.001-07:00

I have never in over 10 years of owning a phone had a smart phone. When I say this to people they are shocked but it's true.

For some reason I just never really wanted one. My husband has had an iPhone since the first one came out so I just used his whenever I wanted, it was no biggie.

However when I heard about the new iPhone coming out and how awesome the camera on it was I started thinking I might want one.

So after years of my husband wanting to get me one I finally let him. It took over a month to get it after we purchased it but it was worth the wait. I am in love. He got me a white one which is even better, I think.

Honestly though this thing is pretty awesome. I can even blog from it. Can you believe that? Haha...I am sure everyone knew that and I am just years behind.

Weight gain

2011-10-27T11:53:00.002-06:00

Baby has gained 2 pounds!

Hooray!

I am so excited. He was stuck at 24-25 pounds for almost a year and finally 2 days ago he got on the scale and he is now at 27 pounds.

I know it sounds weird that I am excited about his weight gain but when even the doctors were starting to get worried this is a really good thing.

Car accident

2011-10-27T11:44:00.003-06:00

Well yesterday while Jon was on his way home from the store to pick Baby and I up, he got in a car accident.

Super scary!

A guy ran a red light and we believe it had to do with him texting. Jon wasn't able to stop in time and hit the guy. It totaled our car. Thank goodness nothing too serious happened to Jon. Jon had 2 witnesses who saw that Jon had a green light and then other guy ran a red light plus there were other witnesses who talked to the cops so the guy in the other car got a citation for failure to stop at a red light.

The other guy though wasn't as lucky as Jon. He wasn't wearing a seat belt so he was unconscious when the police got there and was taken to the hospital by an ambulance.

By late evening I took Jon to the hospital with a massive headache and some back and knee pain. If my husband says he is in pain its serious cause he is never in pain and I have seen him come close to cutting a finger and act like nothing happened.

We ended up having to pay for the car rental yesterday and the hospital bill and when money is tight that is no fun. However this morning we got good news from the other guys insurance that they are taking full liability of the accident and they already called the car rental and are having them return the deposit to us and they are paying to everything.

Now we just sit and wait to see if the car is really totaled, which we think it is, or if they are going to try and fix. Either way I am sad about my car but that's life.

Baby needs friends

2011-10-25T13:03:00.000-06:00

I am going to have to get out and try to make friends with some mom who has children around Baby's age.

He loves other kids and loves playing with other little ones.

Its so hard around here. The kids at the playground here are super mean. I had one horrible experience and it left me traumatized and I said never again will we go out there while I know kids are there. Jon can take him I just won't. I don't do well with my child being treated bad.

Since we don't go to church then I don't know any of the LDS ladies around here. Not like I knew them when I did go, they are kinda not friendly. I really do not know what to do but I am starting to think preschool is my only option here. Only problem is money is tight. Don't you just hate that? Being broke but oh well that's part of life so until I can afford preschool I will just have to take him to playground around the area and hope there are other little ones there.

Painting

2011-10-23T19:05:00.000-06:00

I have been waiting a long time for this.

Finally it looks like Baby is interested in painting and coloring and I am so happy.

We have been painting almost every day for the past little while. Only problem is my kitchen is now covered in his art work cause I cannot bring myself to throw things out. I am so silly, I know. I am thinking of putting some in frames and giving it to the grandparents for Christmas.

I love seeing him paint. Its one of my favorite things to do with him.

Hanging out

2011-10-21T19:00:00.001-06:00

Since Jon started school, baby and I spend most of the day just hanging out him and I. We tend to get bored since his only friend left. So we just take tons of goofy pictures of us and most mornings are spend being lazy. I like it just that way but I am sure he doesn't.

Here are some pictures from the other day while hanging out.

Photographer

2011-10-19T18:52:00.001-06:00

I think we have a photographer in the making.

Baby has been enjoying walking around the house and taking pictures. Most pictures are of his toys, the floor, his feet, the animals or his fingers but it makes me laugh to see what he captures. It is kinda frightening when I see him with my camera so I know have to keep my camera hidden well. We do allow him to take pictures with Jon's phone.

Maybe some day soon it will start to look like Jon and I spend time together in pictures cause I'll get Baby to take some of us whenever we are out.

This picture I had no idea about until I unloaded the pictures onto my computer. I think its super funny. This is one Baby must have gotten the other night.

Last play date

2011-10-17T18:42:00.003-06:00

Baby and his best friend had their last play date about a month ago but since I haven't posted lately I figure I needed to catch up.

I love these 2 together. Baby loves her and would always ask for her to come play or for him to go over there to play.

I was a mess that day. I too had to say bye to my really good friend Erika. She was my first friend I made out here and I love her. We have had so much fun the last year and a half.

Her husband found a job in the Philippines and so they will be living there for about 4 years. I am hoping we can see them at least once a year when they come back to visit.

Here are some cute pictures of our cute kiddos.

Weight watchers

2011-10-16T10:30:00.000-06:00

A while ago a friend of mine had told me she was on weigh watchers and explained to me how it works. I told Jon about it since he wants to lose weight and he seemed interested but not enough.

Since the beginning of summer he has lost 20 pounds from biking everywhere but winter is coming soon and he knew biking would not be biking for a few months. So 2 weeks ago he text me while he was at school and tells me he signed up for weight watchers. I was super happy that he decided to do it.

It is super easy to do weight watchers and I have found a great website with yummy weight watchers friendly recipes. He started it right away and so far has lost 8 pounds since starting it. Woohooo! I am so proud of Jon. It is not easy losing weight, especially when you love food as much as we do.

I also started doing it with him to support him and to lose some weight before the holidays when I normally gain around 10 pounds from all the yummy food. Once I get down to the weight I want then I just go into their maintenance phase. I have never done a diet like this. I eat a ton of stuff just not any junk food.

Anyways we will see how the rest of the year goes with this for us.

Potty training

2011-10-15T10:29:00.001-06:00

In the spring time this year it seemed like Baby was ready to be potty trained but let's be honest...ummmm....I wasn't.

Is that horrible or what?

Anyways back then I said I would just wait till the fall when we were stuck inside all the time to do it. Well once the fall started I still didn't want to have to do it but we all know as adults we have to do things we don't want so here I am in the mist of potty training.

I started first just having him in underwear during the day while we were home but if we went out or took a nap then I would put a diaper on. I did that for about 3 weeks but nothing else was happening and no progressing so 4 days ago I decided no more diapers during the day, period.

The first day went really well, we had no accidents at all. I did have to ask most of the time if he needs to go and if he does he will say yes. A few times he to,d me himself he had to go "pee pee" and grabbed his thing, haha.

The second day went pretty smooth except for one accident late in the day when he was at the mall with Jon and was having too much fun at the playground. Jon said he stopped moving and Jon knew immediately so he ran to the bathroom but it was too late. He even pooped in the big boy potty in the morning which was amazing since we are having problems with pooping. He will hold it all day until the second we put his diaper on to go to bed.

The third day went great too. He used the potty all day long but again at the mall he had an accident. I knew he needed to go pee but when I took him to the bathroom he refused to go so we walk around and not even 5 minutes later he peed himself.

Today is day number 4 and so far so good other than him pooping in his diaper befor I took it off but we will see how the day goes.

I have decided though that even if it mean I have to do laundry every other day he is no longer wearing a diaper during the day. I am super excited about this but at the same time I cannot believe he is growing so fast. I have to admit I am a little sad but oh well that is life.

Quilting

2011-10-10T18:36:00.002-06:00

I made my second quilt and this one didn't take me as long as my first one.

I had all the material I used for it. I bought the material about a year ago and didn't know what to do with it but I knew some day I would use it.

My sister-in-law came across a pattern for a quilt just like it and she made one for my niece and I fell in love with it so decided to use that material to make one for Baby.

I love how colorful it turned out. Baby is in love with is and will not allow anyone else to use it but him.

Now whenever I go to the fabric store he always finds what he likes and tells me that I need to pay for it. He is too funny and way too smart.

Quilt

2011-09-21T23:18:00.002-06:00

My first fully finished quilt!

And it only took me 2 years to finish it...

I feel so happy I was able to finish a quilt.

When I showed Baby the quilt he said "mami I likey, it's pretty, mine?" That boy of mine is truly amazing.

It's not perfect but it is my first quilt and I love it.

Now it's time to start on my next quilt, the next one will be more of a unisex one.

I love my child

2011-09-15T11:09:00.007-06:00

As of late I am really enjoying being his mom.

I always have loved being his mami but lately he is just so stinkin cute, I swear I just wanna eat him up.

He says the funniest things and is such a loveable child.

He has been every single day been giving me kisses nonstop and telling me he loves me all day long. I cannot get enough of this.

I am really hoping this last a while but in the mean time I am just going to take it all in and enjoy it as much as I can.

He is growing so fast it makes me sad sometimes cause pretty soon I won't have him all to myself all the time.

Baby's little girlfriend is leaving us. I am so sad about this because that means I too am loosing a really good friend. They are moving to the Philippines for a few years her husband found an amazing job with an American company. They will have an amazing time out there living in paradise and I am not even joking about that I have seen the pictures and holy cow I think Jon needs to try and get that job once he is done with it.

Anyways, we took Baby and his little friend on a play date to the train station and we had a blast. I took a bunch of pictures because I want to remember them together and how cute they are. When they come back to the states she will be about 7 years old so I wanted to remember them this little.

Lately

2011-09-10T09:31:00.000-06:00

Baby has been such a good behaved little boy lately.

I just love being his mom!

I have been having some rough emotional day lately and I try to have those emotional moments either at night or during nap times so that he doesn't see me sad.

However he must know something is up because he has been such a funny little man. He makes me laugh most of the day.

He has been talking more and more. The things he says or comes up with are shocking and his little attitude is kinda cute right now. I am sure as he gets older it won't be so cute but right now it's making my days.

He is also using his imagination so much lately and I cannot get enough of it. We play super heroes all day long. We also play dinosaurs where they are coming to get us and we are able to hide from them.

I am so loving this stage in my little ones life.

Honestly I love nothing more than being his mama!

Therapy

2011-09-03T23:22:00.000-06:00

I was finally able to get an appointment to go see a therapist who won't try to rob me financially.

I know I need therapy but paying $75 for a 30 minute session just seems a little extreme for me.

I had my first session on the 1st of September and my mom is paid for it however I know she has not told my father that she is doing this and that to me says a lot about him and where he is at right now that my own mother won't tell him how I wanted them to pay for my therapy sessions. Oh well there's nothing I can do about that.

I really liked the therapist and the first sessions was just all over the place but he really got me thinking with some things about my life which is good because they were things I had never thought of before.

From here on out I probably won't be posting too much about that part of my life because I have decided I will keep a personal journal while dealing with it all. No one really wants to hear about my depressing life.

Anyways I do think that therapy is going to help me be able to forgive my father and help me with being able to be happy with every aspect in my life. I know nothing will be perfect cause nothing ever is but I can be happy with imperfection where right now I am not and I bring myself down when I am not perfect in everything.

School

2011-08-21T23:10:00.002-06:00

Well it's been a good summer but it never last nearly long enough.

Jon goes back to school tomorrow and this semester he needs to kick butt to get he GPA to what he needs it to be so I know he is super nervous. He has a full semester with 2 fairly easy and 2 hard classes. Once he is done with this semester he will only have 3 more till he graduates, yay! However after that he still will have 3 more semesters to get his Masters. So we still have a LONG way to go till he is one with school but I keep telling myself it will all be worth it at the end. I hope at least, haha.

This week I also start working again. I will be working 4 days a week since Jon will be cutting his hours down to make sure he does good this semester.

Life keeps changing all the time!

5 year Anniversary

2011-08-19T12:41:00.007-06:00

5 years ago today, at this same time I was on my way up to Lake Arrowhead in California from San Diego. I was getting ready to marry the love of my life in just a few short hours. I remember that day like it was just yesterday.

Our wedding day was beautiful, simple, elegant, romantic and private. A very special day for me. It was held right next to the lake and the pictures are just pure beauty.

I thank the Lord above every single day of my life that I met Jon. I don't think he realizes this but he truly has saved me from what my life would have been other wise. I love that man more than anything in this world. He makes me the happiest person on the planet.

A lot has happened in those 5 years but the most important thing is that we have grown up a lot and grown closer to each other. We know each other better than anyone else. The best thing however that has happened to us in those 5 years has been our son, he is our pride and joy.

I am truly lucky to have him in my life!

Tour of Utah

2011-08-18T12:08:00.001-06:00

We have become a biking family and we love it.

I personally do not bike half as much as my husband does, he normally bikes 100 miles a week, I might do 20 but we do both have road bike and love being able to go out for rides.

So of course whenever you like a sport you really get all into it. This was a fun way to really get into the sport and get to see what the professionals do. The one cool thing about cycling is that this is the only sport where you are able to get so close to the professionals. Like if I extended my hand out I could have touched most of them. Pretty cool.

Anyways once we found out about the Tour of Utah we decided we would be going to at least 3 of the stages and that we did.

The first stage was in Ogden which was perfect and we had fun seeing the guys for the first time. We also went to stage 3 and 4 and we had a blast at stage 4 up at Capital Hill.

Jon's aunt and uncle are into biking BIG time so they flew out here for this and they had a blast and we enjoyed having them out here. I love when family comes out and we get to stay up late talking and just having fun. We all camped out at Jon's sisters house and the kids had fun playing with each other.

This is George Hincapie.

Bob Roll, used to be a cyclist now is a commentator

The guy in the yellow shirt is Levi and he is the guy who won the Tour of Utah

Funny story

2011-08-12T18:35:00.001-06:00

With everything going on personally in my life I have been so tempted to drink and I don't mean water. I just feel like I need something to numb me for a few hours. I know this is horrible but it's the truth. I think my dear husband is super worried.

Last week I was making Peruvian roasted chicken and the recipe called for half a can of beer so I send Jon out to get me some for it. He watched me like a hawk and as soon as he saw I was done with the beer he ran over and emptied the rest of it and then tinder the can out. I had to laugh a little cause what does he think I am a crack addict and am going to lick the can to get some beer.

I know that the second you start to drink alcohol or take meds to numb pain is the moment you will get addicted to it because it only numbs you for a little bit and then you will need more. I know that but there are times or days it would be nice. Just saying.....

I know I am LDS I shouldn't be thinking that or let alone saying it but I am:(

Still no answer

2011-08-10T09:10:00.000-06:00

I had told my mom a few days ago that what I wanted from her was for my parents to pay for my therapy sessions and she told me she would talk to my father about it. She made it seem like she thought that was doable.

Well its been almost a week since we had that talk and she barely talks to me, will only call to find out how Baby is doing. She has not mentioned what I said to her at all. I will give her till the middle of the month and then I will ask for an answer.

I know my mother would pay for it but I am just not sure my father would.

Lagoon and lake again

2011-08-08T21:01:00.000-06:00

We had bounce backs for Lagoon which meant we could get in for only $10 a person so we decided we had to take advantage of that before it expired. Our friends also had the same thing so after work we all met up there and had an awesome night.

For the first time in over 14 years I actually got on a roller coaster. I am so glad my friend Ashley loves them goes it gave me the push I needed to get on them and my heck did I have a blast. I felt like a teenager again like I didn't have a care in the world for a few minutes. We went on almost all the roller coasters. On the last ride I also pooped myself it was so scary but still super fun.

I am so glad they came along cause it just made it so much more fun. I wish I would have gotten pictures with them but by the time I thought about it, it was dark and the only picture we got Ashley didn't like so I am not putting it up online.

My sister-in-law and her family also came along with my mother-in-law, brother-in-law and my brother which makes it always fun for Baby and he loves seeing his cousins and auntie.

The next day my sister-in-law with her family and my brother met up with us at the lake that we went to last week. We had such a fun time. Baby was a little on the not listening side today but what 2 year doesn't have those days. Heck what grown up doesn't have those days. Baby had so much fun playing with his cousin, uncle and tio. I got to just relax and talk to my sister-in-law and see her precious baby who is getting so big.

The weather today was perfect summer weather too hot and sunny but being right next to water is what makes it perfect. I am going to miss this nice weather that pretty soon will be gone but until it is gone I will enjoy it to the max. Next few week you will find me at the pool just about every day.

Allowance

2011-08-07T21:01:00.000-06:00

My child is confused...hahaha...no really he thinks we have maids up in here.

I would give him a popsicle and when he was done with it he would either call me to come get it from him or just throw it on the floor. Yeah I finally had to do something. Not only that but he had started dumping all his toys all over the house and would not pick them up. I am not a maid and do not get paid so therefore this behavior needed to come to a stop.

I have heard people giving their young children chores or things they need to do so I figure why not try this. We sat him down and talk to him about what things he needed to help me with and here they are: he must pick up all his toys before going to bed, he must throw out all his trash and diapers and he must help me put away all the utensils after they have been washed. I figured I can't give him too many things to do at this age but he is at least getting the concept that he needs to pull some of his weight in this family.

We also let him know that from now on we will only buy him toys on special occasions but if there are toys he really wants he will have to buy them himself with his allowance money that he gets weekly. If he does all the things he is supposed on a daily basis than he will get $2 a week that he gets to save for things that he really wants.

He already saved enough money to buy himself a spiderman toy that he had been wanting for sometime. I think its pretty cool that he can buy his own things. Throughout the day when he doesn't want to do something I remind him he won't get his allowance so right away he goes and does what he is supposed to.

Am I a good mom?

2011-08-05T20:42:00.000-06:00

In the 2 years I have been a mother I have not once heard my mother or father tell me that I am doing a good job. The only thing I have ever heard is that all Baby needs is a good beating and that will set him straight. How dare my father say that right?

I asked my mother the other day why she has never said this to me and she refuses to answer me. She completely changes the subject on me. I got so heated that no matter what I will always be a better mother than she ever was to me. Yup, I know that hurts her but how dare she even after all of this that has happened she not tell me that I am a good mother. She sees that I am not yelling at Baby or hitting him. She sees that my Baby is a happy little boy who for a 2 year old is amazingly behaved.

My mother-in-law tells me every single time she sees me that I am an amazing mother and she will give me examples of why I am. I love that lady. I am sure she does not even know how much that means to me to hear her say that.

Confused

2011-08-04T22:02:00.000-06:00

My brother the one I am no longer talking to the other day text me asking if I wanted to go to lunch with him. It was the same day I was at Lagoon so I couldn't go but either way I am not sure I would have gone.

I asked him why after 2 months of not talking would he ask me out to lunch and he says that he was hungry and didn't want to have to go by himself and had no one else to go with. What?? Is he crazy? So I start to think that at this point he just wants to use me like he has done for years now and I let him know that that's using someone. He does not see it that way so I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and ask him if maybe he asked me out so we could talk things over and then he tells me that if I am going there to just forget about it. Ummm...yeah this might be a mentally sick person I don't know.

I think because my whole life bad things would happen to all of us and we had to just move on so we would always try to pretend like nothing ever happen and just never talk about it. I am thinking he realizes it sucks not having me in his life but he is not willing to apologize or even talk about it, he just wants to do the normal thing that we have always done in this family but not this time. I let him know that if he wants a relationship with me he will have to apologize to me for the things he said, he will have to acknowledge everything that has happened in our life and stop calling me a liar and he will really have to find out why on God's earth he would ever say the things he said to me. I don't think he will ever do any of that but at least he now knows what he needs to do to have some type of a relationship with me which will never be the same as before.

He actually never really even liked my son. He was super mean to him every single time he would see him. Which makes me sad.

Another melt down

2011-08-03T20:15:00.001-06:00

I do not know what is going on with me but I am having these melt downs more often then.

I also have gone from being mad and upset with the whole situation to hating my father and wishing awful things on him. I know this is no bueno.

The other day I flipped on my mother again. She keeps on making excuses for him and I hate hearing it. Anytime she says "I am not defending him but..." yeah if you have to start a sentence that way then she should know better because that to me is defending someone. So yeah I flipped on her, I am sure I probably broke her heart and made her very sad but at this point I kinda don't care. She nor my father cared too much when they were breaking us down so why should I care now is my thinking. While having my melt down I said some really mean things about my father which really hurt her but who cares. She really wants all of this to go away and for me to never bring back up again and that just is not how this works.

She keeps on asking me what I want from her and why I am so angry with her. I have been able to tell her the reasons I am so mad at her and so that is very clear to her but I really do not know what I want from her for me to be able to move on. At this point the only thing I want is to cause her the same amount of pain I am experiencing. I know that is evil and a horrible thing. I also hope that my father is experiencing the same or more pain that I am.

I can honestly say I hate him for everything that he has done to me.

Right after this happened I didn't feel hate I felt sorry for him but I am beyond feeling sorry and this is not good for me. I have so much anger build up inside of me and I need to do something about it. At this point I would love to get the chance to beat the shit out of my father in all honesty. I know that will never happen but I can dream.

I am thinking the next time my mother ask what she can do to make things better that I am going to ask for them to pay for my counseling. They caused me these issues they can pay for them to get fix if they really care about me. I guess I will see what she says.

I really hope that some day soon I can get rid of the hate I have in my heart but it just does not seem possible.

Motto

2011-08-02T19:02:00.000-06:00

"If you will live like no one else, later you can live like no one else."

I am reading Dave Ramsey's "The Total Money Makeover" book which I have heard great things about. My mother-in-law has been trying to get us to even take one of his courses thru the Peace University thing that he does and we were dumb and not willing to accept that we really need this. We are not great at dealing with our finances like most Americans. So finally my mother-in-law just went ahead and got us the book and the billfold that comes with it. I could not be more grateful. I have started reading the book and once I am done I will go with Jon and take the course so I really know how to deal with our finances and get rid of our debt and start building a good savings account and start making smart decisions with out money.

I know the hard part will be actually getting started and not being able to do or get some of the things that we actually enjoy getting or doing but I really need to keep on repeating what his motto says.

Fun at the Lake

2011-08-01T18:57:00.000-06:00

One thing that I love about Utah is that there are ton of lakes you can go to during the summer and swim in. Since moving up to Northern Utah 3 years ago we have really started to enjoy this beautiful state so during the summer we normally go multiple times to the lakes.

This year though the weather had been kinda crappy so today was our first time going out to the lake and oh how I have missed it.

The weather was kinda crappy still, we even had rain at some point but that's when most of us decided to get in the water, might as well since we were going to get anyways. It stopped raining quickly and the sun came out shortly there after and we had a blast. My cousin came with her 2 kids and her other son's girlfriend who is pretty cool. My brother and brother-in-law also came with us.

We had so much fun my husband declared we will be going back next week for another fun day at the lake.

On our way back we saw a waterfall and had to get down and take pictures.

Lagoon

2011-07-31T10:42:00.003-06:00

Last year for Jon's birthday I surprised him by getting his whole family to go to Lagoon. He had a blast so we decided we needed to make that a tradition every year.

We of course would never pay full price to get in since it is crazy expensive. My mother-in-laws stake was having their stake day last Thursday and we would get a $14 discount so of course off we all went and it was a blast. It was actually more fun for me than last year. This year Baby enjoyed himself more, had more fun and was able to get on some rides. He was even able to get on a roller coaster can you believe he is tall enough to do that? Holy cow...he is getting too big, this makes me sad. I have decided children should not be allowed to go to amusement parks until they are 2 because before that age it is completely pointless.

Jon had a blast too, he got on every ride he possibly could. Unfortunately I didn't take my camera in out of fear it would get stolen so I only have a few pictures and only of Baby since I spend the whole day with him.

I am so grateful we were able to do this again this year.

My sunshine

2011-07-30T15:18:00.002-06:00

Postpartum depression is really hard.

As I am such any depression is.

For me it felt like I was living in a black hole or tunnel that had no end but there were moments when I would look at my son and everything would seem perfect. Those were the moments that made me hopeful that I could get out of that hole or tunnel and that at some point everything would be ok.

During that time I started singing to Baby this song:
You are my sunshine
My only sunshine
You make me happy
When skies are gray
You'll never know dear how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

I love that song and it truly is how I feel about Baby. He came into my life at the perfect time. He really became my sunshine in my dark world. Had he not come I would probably be divorced and miserable.

I am so lucky to have my husband and my son in my life. They are the 2 most important people in my life. They have honestly saved me from a horrible life. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for them. I could not be more in love with these 2 amazing men. I love you guys.

Roses

2011-07-29T22:23:00.005-06:00

I forgot to write about this and I want to remember it so I better write about it.

On Saturday night when we got home there was a bouquet of roses with a happy birthday card waiting for me at my door. This totally made for a perfect ending to my already perfect day.

Actually I have been having a lot of perfect days lately and I could not be more happy about it.

Anyways when I first saw them I thought it might be my neighbors but then quickly remembered that they are in St. George on vacation. My next thought then was maybe my visiting teachers not like they have come enough to like me that much but hey whatever right. However as soon as I opened the card I thought it looked like my brothers hand writing, you know the brother I am no longer talking to. So I called my mother to see if maybe she knew if they came from him which she didn't but she did say that he had asked her a few days prior what my favorite flowers were. I am really thinking it was him to left them for me.

That was a really sweet gesture on his behalf considering how rude and mean he was to mean just a month ago. It was much appreciated.

Maybe he is realizing the huge mistake he made...one can only hope right?

Conclusion about my mother

2011-07-27T19:50:00.000-06:00

After much thought I have decided that my own mother's family must have been a mess.

You do not grow up in a normal household with loving parents then get married and allow abuse to happen in your home.

She thought this was normal and okay.

After some investigating I now know for a fact that my grandfather was not the perfect man everyone made him out to be. My grandfather passed away when I was 4 years old so there are not too many memories of him there, other than his last days on this earth and his funeral. So my opinion of him was always what all my aunts and uncles said about him which was short of him being a Savior. Honestly they made him seem like a perfect human being.

I have found out that he was abusive sexually to some people. There are rumors that he fathered a child with my grandmother's sister while they were married.

I have also found out that my grandmother was extremely abusive. Physically, verbally and emotionally. She would beat children to the point of passing out. My mother herself told me of one time she was hit so much she became super sick for weeks and would not eat or leave the bed, she was about 7 then. There are also rumors that my grandmother cheated on my grandfather too.

I also know that my grandmother went almost 10 years barely speaking to my mother while at the same time expecting my mother to give her most of her paycheck to her mother.

It just all makes sense now though. This is the reason my mother has allowed this behavior, she grew up with it and so for her its normal and she cannot understand how I can be making a huge deal about it.

My melt down

2011-07-25T23:37:00.002-06:00

Today my mother-in-law was supposed to hang out with Baby and I. For some reason, maybe she forgot or something it didn't happen.

For some weird reason this brought back some feelings of when I was little and it brought back a memory that I haven't thought about in a very long time. I got really upset that I was screwed over because that's really how I felt even thought I am sure it wasn't done on purpose.

This is why I hate what my father has done to me because any little thing can trigger off a major explosion and unless you know me and know what I am going thru you will just think I am crazy. He has completely ruined me emotionally for the rest of my life, I don't even know if this is fixable. I hope he endures my pain and some cause this really sucks.

The memory that it brought back was when I was 8 years old, which is at the age the mormons get baptized, my father at the time was living in the USA and we were living in Costa Rica. I was told that he was going to be coming down to baptize me himself, how excited I was about this since I had not seen him in at least a year. Well he failed me and didn't show up then the other person they asked to do it didn't show up either so they just had to ask someone who was in attendance to it. I remember as a little kid this hurting really bad. I had talked about my father coming to baptize me and when it didn't happen I started making up lies in my head and to people about it. Ever since then when I would go to a baptism I would always remember that on my baptism day I wasn't really happy. He got to baptize all my other siblings just not me.

I think that made me feel not worthy or less than and those are feelings that have carried on so far in my life.

My mother called today and asked how I was doing and I told her not good emotionally and she must have said something the triggered me to go off. I kinda feel bad that I yelled not at her but in general but I had so many things I needed to get off my chest today. One of them was how he has really ruined me emotionally. I will never feel pretty enough, skinny enough, a good mother, a good wife, a good daughter or good at anything I ever do. How dare someone do this to their child. My mother of course tells me not to talk about my father the way I was talking about him that I need to have love in my heart. Well I wish he had had love in his heart and I wish that he had loved me as a daughter of God but he didn't. I am starting to believe he hated me.

Not only has he ruined me but he has ruined my family we will never again be a family. How sad...I will end right here before I say some nasty things about him.

Going sugar free....ahhhh!

2011-07-24T16:24:00.000-06:00

Baby has been throwing tantrums way too much lately and going to bed super late. I am talking about he is not going to bed until 12 or 1am.

Yeah that's a big no no and I am starting to believe that it is all connected.

Since we are back from vacation and won't be doing much I have decided I am detoxing this boy from refined sugars. He can have all the fruit he wants and some honey but that is about it. I am doing this for 3 weeks and after 3 weeks I will bring back juice into his diet but I will start to water it down.

My hope is that he will start going to bed at a normal time, that we don't have as many tantrums and that fruits and veggies will taste sweeter to him so he will want to eat them more often.

I am also doing the same thing as I believe sugar is the reason I am running low on energy all the time and am craving sweets and breads every single night. I need to change my eating habits for good.

Day 1 went pretty good. We had one mayor tantrum but more than anything else it was because I wasn't paying attention to him. He ate what I served him all day long. He did look like a crack head at one point checking every where for candy once he realized I was not giving in to his request. He is so funny!

Day 2 went okay for the most part. I know for myself I was craving sugar more that day but I didn't cave in. Baby however was on a mission. He found the unfrozen otter pops and tried to bite them open when that didn't work he put them on the ground and started jumping on them until they popped then he started licking the juice off his hands. I was so shocked with what I was seeing I couldn't even stop him. That was a lot of thinking behind him getting some sweats. The rest of the day went pretty well. Barely any tantrums and off to bed early.

Day 3 was a failure. Is started pretty good but went down heel after lunch. We took him to see Captain America and mom-mom joined us. She was not aware of our no sugar deal and got soda. I tried keeping Baby with us the whole time but he was determined to get some soda and when he did he was super giddy. He called me and said "look mami, I drinking it" with a huge smile. So there went that and then we go to dinner and mom-mom ordered some amazing donuts with a chocolate and raspberry sauce, yeah I gave in too.

Well it was a good try. I am trying to still control the sugar intake and no more juice unless it's 100% juice and I will try and give him the sugary things in the morning so bed time won't be a struggle.

Vacation again

2011-07-21T16:23:00.004-06:00

We went to Vegas again!

I love Vegas.

Pool+Sun+Vegas=Amazingness

We had a blast.

I got a beautiful sun tan going on and so does my little munchkin. He is learning to float in the deep end of the pool with floaties on and its the cutest thing in the world. Baby and I were at the pool every single day we were there but by the last day I think he was done with the water.

We got another amazing deal with room and food so we figured might as well use our vacation money towards it.

I might be too personal

2011-07-20T16:23:00.000-06:00

I have heard from some people that the things I have been posting are too personal and that maybe I should not post about it.

First of all I have to laugh because its not their life.

Second of all if you don't want to read it because you feel weird reading it or you think I post too many personal things then you kinda don't have to come back and read what I post every time, right?

Third if you really don't want me posting about personal things then pay for me to go see a therapist and if you can't then keep your trap shut. Honestly I am sick and tired of hearing people say I "say too much".

People I am not writing to get pity like I have said before. This is my way of getting everything that I have bottled up inside me out. This is very therapeutic to me. To be able to put all those things out in the world has been more therapeutic than anything else. Yeah if I was going to a therapist I probably would not post as much info but I am not because we cannot afford it so I will continue to post more things.

Plus the people who really know me know that I have always spoken my mind I normally don't sugar coat things and if I am asked something I will tell you the truth. It gets me in trouble a lot of times but that's me. My husband knew what he was getting himself into so there...

2011-07-16T00:19:00.001-06:00

I meant to post this before going on vacation

As you get older you kind of not have a choice but to be nice to your children. Especially if you do not have money saved up for your retirement.

It will get to a point where you will have to depend on your children and so you really do need to have a really good relationship with them. Plus as sad as it made sound they may be the ones pulling the plug so for crying aloud be nice to them.

I have told my mother that my father has ruined a lot. As he gets older and will not be able to work who is he going to depend on financially? Not me or my brother that's for such. He has 2 other choices my sister who I doubt will and my other brother which maybe he will so he might get lucky but at this point I will not be helping him. If I do I will make sure that once death is knocking on his door I remind him of everything he has done so he can be scared crapless to meet his creator. That sounds really mean I know but that's how I feel right now and I tell it how it is. I don't sugar coat things.

I have told my mother that now that we are grown adults she kinda just has to accept us for who we are and what we choose to do with out life. I mean she doesn't have to accept it but then she can't be apart of my life. If she wants to be apart of it just accept me for who I am and that's that.

My perfect week continues

2011-07-15T22:37:00.000-06:00

Monday I had the best night. We as a little family went downtown in Ogden to see the horse statues that they put out all over. They are pretty cool. Baby went crazy over them. We had so much fun just walking around. Then we headed to a playground and right next to it was the amphitheater that I didn't even know existed. They were having a band play for a little bit and then they have a movie. They do this every Monday during the summer, how fun is that? I think from now till the end of summer we are heading over there for dinner and a movie because it just sounds like a blast. We didn't stay the whole time since we didn't take any blankets or anything to lay on and we headed off to get some ice cream. When we got back we went to our neighbors house to see how their vacation went. Gosh I just love them!

On Tuesday I had my mother and my sister over for lunch since I figure my mother is trying to make an effort I will to. My sister hasn't really known how to deal with this whole family situation so she is just outright mean to my mom so hopefully by having us do something neutral together it will help with their relationship. I probably shouldn't worry too much about their relationship only mine but that's my nature.

On Wednesday we went down to SLC spend some time with my father-in-law which was nice seeing him. Baby had fun being with pop-pop. Then we went out to dinner with my best friend and his girlfriend who we happen to love. She is such a sweet down to earth person and totally loves Baby which is a plus because it makes hanging out easier.

On Thursday I had lunch at the Gateway with my best-friend and her family. I had so much fun with them. I love hanging out with them. We used to live right across from one another and I wish we still did. I hate moving and not being able to see the people I love on a daily basis.

This totally made sense

2011-07-14T22:30:00.000-06:00

Someone posted this on facebook today and it totally made sense to me so I thought I would share.

"Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different." -Oprah Winfrey

Maybe this is the way I need to look at forgiveness as because it makes it easier for me to forgive, I think.

Things that make me happy

2011-07-13T00:13:00.001-06:00

My husband makes me super happy. He is the funniest person I know. If you know him you know how he can have a room full of people dying laughing for hours. If you do not know him, Kevin James really reminds me of my husband. I feel like our lives are similar to the show King of Queens. We have a blast together and there is always tons of laughter in our home. Neither of us take ourselves too serious.

My son also makes me the happiest mama around. He is such a funny kid to be around. There are days that are hard but for the most part he is the cutest kid ever. I wish I knew what went through his head because just the little bit of things he is able to say he has me laughing so hard for most of the day. Once he is actually able to fully talk it should be interesting to hear what he thinks. He thinks farts are the funniest things and will call anyone out when he hears them fart and laughs at them.

Having a pool that we can go to every single day makes it so much fun. Any time Baby is having a rough day I just take him to the pool and that totally changes his mood.

This one is kinda weird but I love the fact that we live right by a ton of farms. I love driving just by my house and seeing horses, cows, goats, chickens you name it they have it around here. I love the feel that I live in the country without really living in the country.

I also love living close to the air base here because we hear the planes going by all day long. Baby loves planes so this totally makes his day. We sometimes go outside and just look up at the sky and wait for planes to go by. They go by all day long.

I want to keep on looking at the positive things in my life because it make me happier when I do that. Life is what it is so I just need to make the best of it because I cannot change what happens in life I can only change my actions towards whats happening in life.

The positive side of things

2011-07-12T12:53:00.000-06:00

I am trying to look at the positive in this whole situation.

You know just to make myself feel better about what has happened in my life.

There has to be a reason why I had to go thru all of this or at least I would like to believe that. I know years from now I will look back and realize what good things came out of this but for now I'll just name a few things that have happened that I keep telling myself are good things that have come out of this.

The one thing that having to go through this in my life has made me realize is that first I have an anger problem just like my father that I truly need help with but until I can get the help I have to work really hard every single day to fight that side of me. Growing up I was a really angry person. I remember I was the angriest between 18-21, I feel bad for those people that had to witness me during that period of my life. I really unleashed on anyone and everyone. I wanted to fight everyone for some crazy reason. Once I met and married my husband I do no know what changed or happened maybe I realized to keep him around I actually needed to control myself a bit and I probably was a little more mature and happier than I had ever been. My anger started to go away little by little. I still have a lot of work but I know that with the Lords help I can do it.

Second that I do not want to be like my father in any way. I want Baby to remember me as a loving mother who he can trust and depend on and feel safe with. I am making sure that this boy will never know what being spanked or punished physically will feel like. I am also making sure that he is never emotionally or verbally abused. I will tell him every day of his life how much he means to me and how awesome he truly is. I do not see anything wrong with your child thinking he rocks!

When I started to talk about this publicly I had such an amazing response from unexpected people. There were tons of people messaging me letting me know that they had gone through the same thing as I had. It still shocks me that so many people go through this. I had people calling and texting me asking how I was doing almost on a daily basis.

I know now that I have gained some pretty awesome friends who I am sure I will keep in my life forever.

For a long time I was having a hard time feeling like I didn't have friends and it really made me sad. I prayed a lot to my Heavenly Father about this and now through this whole thing I have made some pretty good friends. Funny how things work. These people actually get me because most of them have been through similar things.

I also think my relationship with my husband is stronger than ever. He has been such an amazing support system for me and has just been so sweet with listening to me and letting me cry it out. His family especially his mom has been super sweet with me and has made me feel so loved.

My birthday weekend

2011-07-11T10:50:00.000-06:00

I have never celebrated my birthday for a whole weekend but this year I did.

I deserve it, right? Oh well even if I don't I wanted to and my husband being the great guy he is went along with it and made it the best birthday EVER.

It started Friday by my husband coming home early from work which never happens on Fridays, those are his long days where I barely see him. As soon as he got home he told me he was taking me out to dinner and a movie. I wanted to go to Zupas and get a salad for dinner. I saw they were opening one near us and so we headed over that way and it was closed, boo. No problem though they have my favorite fish taco place right by there so we head on over and guess what? They are closed for good, what? By this point its almost 7pm and I have not eaten since 1pm and if you know me if I am hungry and you do not feed me it is not okay. So I start talking to myself telling myself that I will be ok, hahaha. My husband was dying laughing as I was talking to myself. Poor guy what he has to deal with anyways...we ended up just going to Chili's, so boring but oh well at least I got food in me and I got to have a really yummy chocolate cake. Then we head on over to the movies, I wanted to watch Zoo Keeper. We got to the first movie theater 20 minutes after it started, really? Everything was just going wrong but I didn't let that bother me cause we were down town and for the month of July they have horse status on every block and that just made Baby's day. It was really cute seeing him talking to the horse and trying to climb them. We finally made it to another movie theater and got to see that movie which was really good. I love Kevin James so I knew I would like this movie.

On Saturday my mother took my sister, Baby and I out to lunch. This has never happened so I was very happy she called to take us out. We had a yummy lunch and after that we headed to Ross where she bought me some cute sandals. My husband also gave me some birthday money to go spend and get some cute summer clothes with so I got myself some cute shirts. My sister bought me a beach/pool bag that I have been wanting for some time as my birthday gift. After that I came home and my sister watched Baby while I ran to Kohl's to get some short. Finally I made it home and took a little nap while I waited for Jon to get back from his bike ride. After that we headed out to dinner at Mimi's Cafe, yummm! My brother then took my to Old Navy to buy me some not so mommyish bathing suit (in his words). He got me 2 really cute ones. After that I headed over to my cousins house to hang out for a minute which is always fun. While there she gave me my birthday present which was a sweet watch. I love the color. Plus some lingerie, of course Jon was happy about that. We finally made it home so I could bake my cake for Sunday.

On Sunday I got to sleep in since Baby didn't wake up until after 9:30am. It was much appreciated. I got up and was just lazy all morning with a little bit of cleaning. Then my cousin came over to hang out all day with me. We headed out to the pool and were there for about 3 hours. I had so much fun. Good talks plus amazing people plus yummy treats=a good time for me. Once we headed back inside it was time to cook dinner. My cousin and dear husband made some amazing food. Then we ate my yummy tres leches cake. I also got a pedicure from my cousin she is awesome at doing nails.

All in all I had one amazing birthday weekend!

Birthday

2011-07-10T10:56:00.000-06:00

It's my birthday today, yay!

I love birthdays and I love celebrating birthdays.

I am turning 27 years old day and to be honest this year actually has felt a little different and I feel older.

All my other birthdays have felt the same I never felt like I was aging but this birthday has been kinda emotional for me.

At least I am still in my 20's right?

I am such a nerd cause 27 really is not that old maybe I just feel more mature and that's always a good thing.

Since baking is what makes me happy I will be making my own birthday cake which is a tres leches, my all time favorite dessert to eat. If you have never heard of this you must go ahead and make it. I am including my own personal recipe so you have no reason to not make it now, ha. Enjoy!

Tres Leches

you will need:

6 eggs
1 cup of flour
1 cup of sugar
vanilla extract
1 can evaporated milk
1 can condensed milk
1 can of milk
1 container of whipped cream
1 can of fruit salad

Pre-heat the oven to 350 degrees. Grease and flour a 9x13 inch pan.

Put the egg white in the mixing bowl and mix on medium speed for about a minute or longer just make sure the egg whites are to the point you can create peaks. Slowly pour in the 1 cup of sugar and mix for about 30 seconds.

Then pour one egg yolk at a time until all 6 egg yolks are mixed in.

Then slowly pour in the 1 cup of flour and mix well and pour in the vanilla extract. I just eyeball the it and I like using a lot of vanilla extract so just put in what you like. It can even be rum extract or any other kind you might have at hand.

Pour onto you cake pan and cook for 30 minutes.

Once cake is done take it out and with a butter knife poke holes all over the cake and put aside.

In a blender mix all 3 milk and blend for about a minutes. I sometime put strawberries in to give it a fruity flavor but you don't have to and I am not today. Then pour the milky mixture over the cake. It will seem like way too much milk but trust me it will not be and the cake will soak it all in. Do this while the cake is still warm.

Let the cake completely cool down and then spread the whipped cream on top and the put any fruit you like or like I do spread some canned fruit over the top and voila!

My new shoes

2011-07-08T12:49:00.000-06:00

So I had been hearing about these shoes called TOMS.

Have you heard about them?

Well apparently they are pretty cool right now and every has a pair.

I really like them so I went to the store to check them out and holy cow! They were expensive like $60 dollars and to me right now that is way too much money to be spending on just one pair of shoe. I know I am cheap but her when you are low on cash there are things you just cannot afford.

I was so sad so I went over to Famous Footwear to see about getting Baby some comfy summer shoe. I happened to ask the lady if they sold TOMS since they were having a buy one get one half off sale. She told me that Sketchers have the BOBS which look just like it and they are only $29. Perfect, right?

Well I went over to another shoe store at the mall since they didn't have anything for Baby and I found another paid of shoes that look similar to the TOMS but for only $22. Heck yeah! So guess what I bought myself that pair since I could afford those.

Yes I really did need to write about them because they made me very happy. Retail therapy really does work well maybe not for ever but momentarily it made me happy.

My stress reliever

2011-07-07T22:00:00.001-06:00

I have always loved baking more than cooking but since all this family drama has started baking has become a stress reliever for me.

So I tend to do it mostly every night.

My new thing to bake is bread which I never before had the guts to do but somehow I have figured it out. Yeast is turning out to be my friend.

I no longer need to go buy bread because I just make all of our bread. I have made whole wheat sandwich bread, cheese bread and a sweet raisin bread. They all taste better than anything I could buy at the store. The best part is getting the bread out of the oven nice and warm and eating it with some butter and jam. Yummy!

I however am sure by the end of summer I will be weighting more but who cares right. It's totally worth it.

Talk with my mother

2011-07-06T21:17:00.002-06:00

On Sunday my mother came over to see Baby. However I had different plans since that day I had found out from someone in Costa Rica that supposedly my mother had told a family member in Costa Rica that I was exaggerating this whole situation with my father. I was beyond upset. I was so hurt that my mother would say something like that.

I confronted her about it and she denies having said anything like that to anyone in Costa Rica. To tell you the truth I kinda don't believe her since during the same conversation she lied about a few things to me that I know for a fact happened.

My mother however has realized the mistake she made in not defending us as children and allowing this behavior to go on for so many years. Sunday she broke down crying because she feels so horrible about what has happened and she told me that she feels responsible for what has happened. She also apologized for allowing this to have happened in my life. For the first time since this type of thing started happening in my life I felt like my mother was truly sorry for allowing this to happen to us.

I did let her know that it's going to take some time for me to be able to forgive her for her part in all of this but that I do know that with help of my Heavenly Father I will be able to forgive her. Once that has happened I can start to work and try to rebuilt a relationship with her at that point.

I know she wants me to forgive my father because she let me know but I told her that it will probably take months to years for me to be able to forgive him and that just because I forgive him does not mean I have to have a relationship with him because as an adult now I actually get to choose who I have in my life and he has made it very clear that he is a toxic person that I should not have in my life. Of course my mother get emotional when I say this but not my problem, really.

I can tell that my mother in her own way is really trying to fix the damage that has been done. She called my sister and I and invited to take us out to lunch on Saturday. When I heard her say that I was all like "Whaaat?" This has never in my 27 years of being in this family happened. I have taken my mother out to lunch but that was all my own doing. My mother has never on her own doing asked to take us out. It really is sweet of her to do and think of.

Swimming

2011-07-05T16:45:00.000-06:00

These are a couple of pictures from the other day when we went with my brother, Baby's favorite Tio.

I am loving the nice weather we have been getting lately.

It allows me to be able to hang by the pool on a regular basis and Baby could not be happier. He asks every single day if he can go to the pool.

Boutiful basket

2011-07-02T20:31:00.002-06:00

Don't all these fruit and veggies look amazing?

They have something called Bountiful Baskets out here that I had heard from neighbors and people on facebook. I asked a friend to show me how to do this and she did which is so easy and honestly so worth doing.

For those 2 baskets I only paid $23. After doing the math, at least for me it turns out way cheaper than going to the grocery store and buying the same things. Plus we are kind of forced to eat all these healthy vegetables and fruit that other wise we might not eat.

I do it just about every week unless we are out of town. So go check the website and see if they do this where you live because it really is so worth it.

Problems with spanking

2011-07-01T23:54:00.003-06:00

"The problem is when parents rely on physical punishment, they are more likely to escalate when the kids misbehave if they do not stop," he said. "They come back and they hit harder and are indeed more at risk to abuse them."

Research shows that parents who rely on spanking for discipline encourage negative behaviors, including aggression. Children can also show signs of depression and anti-social behavior as they grow older.

Those last 2 paragraphs I found on a website and now I forget which website it was but it had something to do with Parents and Teachers against violence.

I really do believe that when we were younger my father just thought he was trying to correct a behavior by spanking us. Then, though it spiraled out of control.

This is how I feel about spanking and its my own personal opinion because of what I have gone through. I feel that there are so many other ways to discipline than spanking. If you used spanking when the children are younger as they get older and do more annoying and hurtful things you get more frustrated and then I believe that's when it turns into abuse.

I know that there are people who can spank their children without the parent being angry or upset and if you are one of these people good for you. I however have never met a person who can do that because for the most part people who spank do it as a last resort thing because they have lost all patience.

The thing is that if you are calm when disciplining your child you would not spank them. Trust me this is very hard thing to do. I did not grow up with a very good example so I know how hard this is. Every single day before Baby wakes up I read my scriptures and pray for a long time and ask, well more like beg Heavenly Father to please allow me to have the patience I need to not yell or spank my child and be able to discipline him in a loving way. Every single time I have to discipline him its hard not to loss control, it takes a lot more energy to keep it together, trust me.

My amazing child

2011-06-30T23:50:00.001-06:00

Baby has been so amazing these last few weeks. Giving me kisses non-stop all day for no reason. Eating what I serve him. Not throwing tantrums and just being a pleasure to have around. Not normal for a 2 year old, right?

He is even all on his own started to potty train. For the last 2 months after breakfast I take his clothes off and let him run naked for a few hours. We have a potty sitting in our living room for him which he had never used but 4 days ago he started peeing in it and then 2 days ago pooped in it. I wasn't even in the room when he did that. How crazy is that?

Yesterday his cousin was over and I think he just forgot about the toilet and peed and pooped in his underwear but for the rest of the day he peed in his potty. I will be stuck at home for the next 3 days so we can try and get this potty thing down.

I am thinking naps and bedtime he will have to wear a diaper until he starts waking up with a dry diaper. I refuse to buy pull ups cause they ate way more expensive than diapers.

I am hoping within the next 2 weeks he can have it down cause then we go on away for a few days and I don't want him to back track.

Memories

2011-06-28T23:39:00.000-06:00

I have been having tons of dreams. Scary ones. Like my father is trying to kill me in them. Yeah not fun at all.

Also I am having tons of memories coming back. I remember so many things now from my childhood. Its super weird.

I know for a fact that the abuse started at least when I was 3 maybe younger. I know this because my father at times has bragged about how when I was 3 he once took me to the church bathroom and slapped me on my naked bottom because I would not sit still through sacrament at church. Then he said he told me to stop crying or else. I am so serious that he bragged about this so many times.

I now know too that around that same time my one uncle threatened my father that if he didn't stop beating us he was going to call the Costa Rican version of CPS. After that my father stopped all communication with my uncle and hated him. My aunts have also said that my father would beat us and lock us in our rooms. Mind you my father left Costa Rica by the time I was 5 so any of this for sure happened before then.

At the age of 5 right before he left for the States he was taking me to school. He was riding his bike and I was sitting in the middle bar. For some reason my foot got stuck on the spokes of the wheel so we both fell and I was pretty hurt. All he did was yell at me over and over for putting my foot there and asking if I was dumb. I wanted to go back home but he wouldn't let me cause he was running late for work, he said. I remember crying the whole way to school.

I also now remember a beating my brother got during family home evening for not answering a question right. He told my brother to sit up and then he beat him for what seemed forever and no one was doing anything so I finally jumped on top of my brother so that he wouldn't get hit anymore. Then finally my mother told him to stop. That was when he was between 12-14. At 16 my father beat my brother so bad he actually peed himself and then my mother had the nerve to come up to my brothers room afterwards and tell my brother that it was his fault and not to piss my father off. What?

When I was 20 for a 4th of July I asked if I could go watch the fireworks with my boyfriend and that I would be home by 10pm. Since we were not doing anything that evening as a family I figured there would be no problem. My father said no. I could not believe it and asked for an explanation I was just told no so I again asked for permission and by this time he flipped. He was in the basement and I had left my phone there he grabbed it and threw the phone at my face. Then he came running up the stairs and by then I was super scared. He opened the door and asked me to leave his house but my mom is telling me not to leave. I tell him if I am leaving I can let myself out so he closes the door. I go open the door and go to leave and he pushed me down the stairs, outside of our house.

That's just to name a few of the memories I am having.

I am writing all of this down because I really want people to really know the type of monster he really is. Not only that but everything I say is being denied and I want to have this hear for prove later on that these things really did happen.

My sister has moved out

2011-06-27T22:20:00.000-06:00

As of last Sunday my sister no longer lives with my parents. She moved out with some friends.

Of course I am now getting the blame for it as I always get blamed for everything.

I never told her to move out though, her bishop was the one who told her she needed to be out of that house.

My friend who is a cop also told me that she needed to be out of that house because abuser barely ever get better, for the most part it gets worse. He also said that abusers have a cycle that they all follow, which I thought was interesting and so true. Right after they explode they go thru the honeymoon stage where they try to win you over and will get you things and be super nice to everyone. Then the next stage they call the winding stage, everything bothers then and they are just building all the rage up. Then comes the explosion. The thing about abusers is that any of these stages can last anywhere from hours to years so you never know when they will actually explode or what will make them explode. That's why NO ONE should be living with an abuser.

I have for sure seen all of these stages in my father but he is not willing to accept that he is an abuser and until he does he will not get better. I just hope once the rest of my siblings are out of the home my mother doesn't end up dead. Cause I don't care what she says I am almost positive he beats her. Normally an abuser doesn't only beat the children most of the time he beats the wife too. Not only that but why the hell is she so afraid of him.

Anyways going back to my sister moving out she decided to do while my parents were in church so that their wouldn't be any drama. Once my parents got home of course my mom called her and told her how cruel of my sister it was to do this to them. She also kept on asking where she was moving to which my sister does not want to tell them because of obvious reasons and my mother could not believe this and told my sister that she has a right to know where she is living, haha, no she does not. My sister told her she is over 18 and does not need to let them know where she is staying. Later on in the day my mother called my sister to tell her that she needed to call my father and let him know why she moved out to which my sister just ignored her. She does not need to let my father know anything. They still want to try and control her what is wrong with these people.

So now my mother who after everything happened would call me about twice a day to see how I was doing. Even though it was weird and awkward she still did it but on Sunday she ignored my phone calls and yesterday she called me and when I asked her how she was doing she said good and I told her not to lie to me and then told me she had to go. I am now guessing I won't be hearing from her too much.

Positive people only, please!

2011-06-26T23:35:00.002-06:00

My brother, the one who I am no longer talking to, came to drop my other brother off for the weekend. When they got here I was looking outside the door and he started to wave to me.

What?

Honestly he might be bi-polar. One minute he hates me the next minute he wants to be friendly. I just don't get it. The only thing I do know is that I cannot afford to have him be in my life.

Snitches do not have a spot in my life.

Not only that but ever since he got back from his mission he has been the most negative person on the planet and at this point in my life I just cannot have negative people around me.

The good thing about life is that as adults we get to choose who we want in our lives.

Church

2011-06-25T22:45:00.000-06:00

I have decided not to take the help from the church with going to see a therapist.

I am not active to tell you the truth at this point in time I do not feel the desire to go to church. I have so many emotions and ill feelings that go along with church that I just cannot go to church on Sundays and pretend like I want to be there.

The bishop has made me feel like since the ward is paying for my counseling that I need to go to church and pay my tithing. When you are inactive feeling pressured to do things does not work.

So I have decided that I will not take the help that way if I go to church I go because I want to not because I feel like I have to.

I am trying to look for counseling thru a community health center around here.

My sweet neighbor

2011-06-24T22:31:00.001-06:00

I have a really sweet neighbor.

From the moment we moved in Baby won them over with his hugs and kisses so they really like us well more like love us and get upset when we go away and don't say goodbye. Her husband said they think of us as their children which is so sweet. They really are the sweetest people.

Anytime I have a problem or I am feeling like a horrible mother I just go down there and she makes me feels like I am the best mother and will just sit there and listen to me with any problem and sometimes just gives me hugs and makes me feel so much better.

When I finally told her what had happened to me she was in complete shock and just cannot believe it but that's not the point the point is that she has sat there for hours and listened to me and doesn't say much but just her listening to me has helped me out so much. At any moment during the day when I am starting to feel emotional I just go down there and talk to her and she is never too busy to have me come in. Her sweet husband every time he sees me comes up to me holds my arm and ask me if I am ok and to look at him cause he wants to make sure I am.

I love them!

The pool will make me forget

2011-06-23T10:11:00.001-06:00

Gosh I must be confused because for some crazy reason I thought that as a parent you are supposed to protect your children as much as you possibly can.

How is it that both of my parents fail miserably? My mother asked me if she was such a horrible mother, I told her she was considering she couldn't even protect us from the most evil person. Of course that hurt her feelings but at this point I don't really care since no one ever worried about my feelings or my siblings.

Even with everything that happened in my life for some crazy reason I always thought my mother would have my back. Oh boy....was I wrong. Why would I ever think that since she didn't even have my back when I was a child.

I feel so hurt right now. I have shed many tears of losing my mother because that is really what has happened here. The part that probably hurts the most is that she doesn't really even care.

Tuesday was a really bad day for me, I was just feeling really betrayed. I sit here and think about all the people I know who have amazing relationships with their parents or at least their mother and how badly I want that but yet will never have it.

I cried at the supermarket parking lot for about 30 minutes since I didn't have Baby with me. When I got home I had hoped I was done with the crying cause I don't want Baby to see me so upset all the time but the flood gates opened up again. I know right now I do not know why this happened to me but I hope I can find out soon. My husband didn't even know what to do or say but he just held me in his arms which was so comforting while Baby is wiping my tears, kissing me and telling me he loves me.

Thank goodness shortly after that my MIL and SIL got here for a fun day at the pool. I needed that distraction so I am now thinking we will have to be at the pool every day so that I am not thinking about things. We had a good time and Baby loves seeing and playing with his favorite cousin.

Of course its my fault.....NOT

2011-06-22T22:12:00.001-06:00

On Saturday my mother came over because she wanted to see Baby. The whole time is just akward but I am starting to get used to that since I am starting to think this is just how this is going to be from now on.

My sister was spending the weekend at my place and by 1pm she still hadn't eaten breakfast or lunch (not because I hadn't cooked) when my mother finds out about this she asks my sister if she is dumb or stupid. I damn nearly passed out cause I could not believe what I was hearing. I told my mother how dare she talk to her daughter like that. Which then proceeded to her sitting down on my couch and not talking or moving for about 30 minutes finally I ask her what is wrong and she starts crying (which now I see as manipulation) and saying that Silvia doesn't respect her.

Ummmmmm.....

These people honestly have so many issues. Really? Respect? How the hell are any of us supposed to respect them when we were never shown respect or taught to respect them. The only thing we were taught to do was to fear them.

After talking for some time she basically said that whenever we got hit it was our fault because we weren't doing what we were supposed to. Plus she told me that I need to take responsibilities for my actions and stop blaming others for my problems.

Yeah.....that really happened.

I am feeling so betrayed, hurt and sad with this whole situation.

To top it off I know my aunts have called my mother and I get the feeling (because no one will tell me what she really said) that she has either told them I am lying or that I am making a bigger deal than it really is. Why do I think this? Well this has been what has happened my whole life. There are things that I know for a fact happened and she will sit there and deny them.

Love my friends

2011-06-21T17:35:00.001-06:00

I have a friend that I have known since I was 9 years old. So he is the one person other than family who has known me the longest. He is now also one of Jon's best friends which I love cause I want him in my life forever.

Anyways I told him the other day what had happened to me and how I am going to go to therapy so he send me a text message that totally made my day.

Here I'll be your counselor.....here's our 1st session....Laura my dearest friend you are a beautiful compassionate loyal individual who is raising a beautiful baby boy. You are fun to be around and make the lives of others happy by your mere presence. You have always been a twig and if you don't start gaining weight the wind is gonna take you like a kite.

Everyone needs to have a friend like this. He totally made me feel special and loved, plus he made my day.

The lady at the supermarket

2011-06-20T08:35:00.000-06:00

While trying to go to the supermarket the other day, Baby had a complete melt down as we were about to walk into the store.

I was with my friend and her daughter and Baby saw her sippy cup and decided he wanted a sippy cup which I totally spaced out on and forgot to bring. Of course the one day I forget to bring it he wants it.

I calmly explain to him that I will buy him one once we are inside but he didn't want to hear that so he threw himself on the floor in the middle of the parking lot. Embarrassing much? Uhhh....yeah he knows how to work it.

I decided however that going inside would just not be a good idea so my friend went in with her daughter while I tried to calm him down. I picked him up and took him to our car but there was no way of getting him into the car so he continued to throw his tantrum for what seemed like forever but I am sure was about 15-20 minutes. Long enough for a guy to come around and check to see what was going on and tell me that it sounded like he was being killed.

Right after that a sweet older lady came over to me and told me how great of a job I was doing and how I must be an amazing mom. This totally made my day! I am by no mean a great or amazing mom but I sure am trying and with my daily prayer I think I am having more and more patience with my little man. Honestly though this lady must have known I needed to hear that she was super sweet even gave Baby a treat for him to get in his car seat which he did.

It is honestly that simple to make a persons day. I might make it a goal of mine to say things like this to other moms cause I sure do understand what they are going thru.

Happy Father's Day!

2011-06-19T08:17:00.000-06:00

My dear husband,

You are an amazing father to our precious Baby. I honestly could not have picked better. You have more patience with him than any other person I have ever seen. You play with him every single day even after your long days at work. I love seeing you get down on the floor with him and wrestle with him or play horsie with him. How about watching you two play with your nerf guns, it totally makes me the happiest woman on the planet. You honestly deserve to get the best daddy award! Both Baby and I are truly lucky to have you in our lives and I could not be happier.

Love your wife.

Brain washing at its best

2011-06-18T10:19:00.000-06:00

My brother is the perfect example of a person being brain washed.

How sad that in this life there are people who have that kind of power.

That monster who says is my father has completely become his own father 100%. He has gotten his own children to turn against each other.

What happens when he passes away and the children are left? I'll tell you....no one talks to anyone or knows anything about the other. Everyone in his family is like strangers. None of them like each other. None can show emotion.

Out of all of us I thought he would brain wash maybe my sister but no, she is not that dumb.

My goal now is to get my sister out of that home ASAP. She clearly has no support system there.

Jealousy

2011-06-17T19:15:00.004-06:00

Before leaving for our vacation I spoke to my mother to try and understand why she would allow the things that have happened to happen. I feel like I really need to understand her cause if I don't then our relationship with be ruined. I believe there is a reason she allowed this to have happened.

I am starting to think that she was and is afraid of my father which leads me to believe that if he has really never hit her he has verbally abused her and threatened her. I cannot believe he calls himself a man but whatever.

While talking to her she let me know that before this even happened she was starting to believe that he thinks I am putting ideas in my moms head and that ever since she moved to Utah she has changed. I guess she doesn't obey him as much, oh goodness you don't want that right? Here it is the control issues. And to top that off she believes he is jealous of the relationship my mother and I have created.

I will make sure now that I continue to have a relationship with her cause now I really see that he is trying to isolate her from her only support system.

How sad because if my son grows up to have a great relationship with his father I would be nothing but happy about it.

Not in my wildest dream

2011-06-17T11:47:00.000-06:00

I never imagined this would be my life.

Even after years of receiving physical and verbal abuse I never thought I would cut ties with my father. Or struggle to continue to have a relationship with my mother. Let alone cut ties with my brother.

This only happens in movies or other families but not mine.

Boy was I wrong.

How did we get here?

I don't even think there is anything anyone can do to fix this.

To tell you the truth I do not even want to be an eternal family with these people.

So many things are crossing my head. I really need my therapy to start soon. One more week and then I can try and get some help.

Text message from my brother

2011-06-16T23:26:00.002-06:00

My brother Will and I grew up being the best of friends so this is kinda of a sad time for me.

I just received this text message from him:

You're making a big deal out of something you wanted "I hope he hits me..." You said that multiple times. Well guess what you got what you wanted. "Losing your family". Really? Everyone is on your bloody side. That's not to say I'm on dad's side but lets talk about losing your family. You told me you tried to convince mom to divorce dad. Great, tear our family apart that way we really do lose our family. If that would happen I would never talk to you again. What would your mother do then? Move in with you. Ha. Lets picture this...CHURCH. You would want her out as soon as possible. You know your mother might be ignorant but your father sure as hell is not. He tried to raise us as "sons and daughters of God" but we all did other wise. Your father isn't stupid he knew what you and Nick did, he even knows about you and Jon before you got married and he saw Silvia going that way. That's why he got so mad. That doesn't excuse hitting us but its a way to understand his side. I'm not going to pick a side cause you're both f****d up and both to blame. Go ahead and get mad, don't talk to me for a while. The truth hurts. Regardless, much love.

Well he spoke his mind. There are some truths many times I did say that I hoped he would hit me cause I would hit him back but to hit me when I was down and not able to defend myself that's not right. I did most definitely tell my mother to divorce that monster and everyone knows it. I would even be willing to work full time to provide for her financially. No one should ever live in fear. It makes me sad she has never known true happiness. I guess there goes that relationship. I will never again be speaking to my brother. Sad day.

I still however have my amazing husband and son and think that I will somehow survive without him in it. What is the point of having family if they are not supportive right?

Las Vegas vacation

2011-06-15T19:15:00.005-06:00

It was amazing to get away for a few days.

I came back feeling rejuvenated and ready to be an amazing mami to my precious Baby.

Well we left on Sunday and Baby was amazing on the way down. Did not cry or whine once. It was the perfect ride down. We got there unpacked and headed out to get some yummy Korean food. We had been craving Korean BBQ for months now since the last time we had it in Vegas. OK, if you do not know what Korean BBQ is you must look it up and go to the nearest restaurant it is amazing. One of my favorite things to eat. After dinner we decided to go down the strip and walk around with Baby, well that was a mistake, a big one. We only made it one block before we realized that walking down the strip with a child at night is a BIG no no. On our way back to the hotel we hear a guy selling "coke" it was the weirdest thing. After that we really hurried up to get to our room for the night.

On Monday we had free lunch vouchers for the buffet and that was super yummy. Then we went to the Shark Reef at the Mandalay Bay. Baby had a blast at this place. Me not so much after realizing how expensive it was but hey it is Vegas right? Then we took the longest nap ever after Baby threw a huge fit as we were leaving the Shark Reef. We woke up and took Baby to the MGM Grand to see the Lions which was pretty cool to see the Lions interact with their trainers. Baby kept on asking for mac-n-cheese so we took him to the Rainforest Cafe which was the most expensive mac-n-cheese I have EVER and will probably ever pay for. Not only was the food expensive I think we traumatized our child with all the animal noises going on and then with the fake lightning and thunder. I think we put on a pretty good show for the other people around us. We then went and took Baby back to the room and left him with mom-mom and Jon and I went out on the strip. We walked from the Luxor down to the Caesars Palace. On the way down the strip we got lost in a hotel that we had never seen but holy cow! the most beautiful, luxurious, sexy hotel I have ever seen. Turns out its called the Cosmopolitan for anyone that has money just laying around this is the place to go, wow, it was just breath taken. We totally fell out of place. Anyways....by the time we made it to Caesars Palace both Jon and I could no longer walk so we ended up taking a taxi back.

Tuesday was amazing, we paid to have a cabana by the pool for the whole day and we honestly had a blast. Baby now can float by himself and he just had a blast the whole entire time we were there. In our cabana we had a couch, table and chairs, a huge tv and free drinks. I didn't even know what a cabana was till then and I think we will be doing this on any vacation so worth it. Baby had so much fun by 5pm he was completely out. We walked throughout 2 hotels casinos with him staying asleep the whole time.

All in all it was the best Vegas vacation I have had and that is saying something cause we go to Vegas a lot while on our way down to California.

The way back was a little bit harder with Baby whining a ton and not wanting to be in his sit but still he was so good the whole time down there that I didn't even mind the ride back.

I think we might need to do this trip one more time before the summer is over.

Life goes on

2011-06-13T09:23:00.000-06:00

When something tragic happens to you, I think, you always feel like how does life continue?

As year ago my best friend lost her precious Baby Jonas as a still birth. What a sad time this was for her and even for me to witness her go thru this. At the time I remember her saying that she felt like her life just couldn't go on and how she thought how in the world is everyone else's life moving on. It's so true you do feel this way.

After this happened to me, Jon's life continued. Bills still need to get paid so he has to go to work every day. Baby's life still goes on and he still needs his mami. In the last week he has been nothing but the perfect baby. He has even been sleeping in late and giving me some me time.

For the first few days I just stayed home and barely left but I have realized I cannot give anyone that much power over me. My life, other than whats happened, is pretty amazing. I have an amazing support group. And even more amazing group of friends who have done nothing more than worry about me and be sweet as can be. I am so grateful for every single one of them.

My best friend who I mentioned at the beginning of this post just had another precious little baby. I had to get down there as soon as I could to see him and oh my....what a sweet, handsome, angelic baby. He is so very much loved and has been wanted more than any other baby in the world I am sure. I consider myself a very lucky person to know her she is just amazing. The things she has been thru in her life are things that normally no one deals with but to deal with everything she has combined is just amazing the woman she has become. She is just such a great example to me of the woman I want to become. While at her house she told me something that I will forever remember. She said her therapist told her this, that it is okay to be happy and sad at the same time. I am glad she told me this cause for a long time I have felt like I can either be happy or sad but not both at the same time.

I do love my life and I know that I will be fine. I just want to thank everyone who has shown me support. You have all been amazing! I do have some great group of people in my life.

I will continue to just focus on the good in my life cause there is tons of good things in my life.

Get-a-way

2011-06-12T11:21:00.000-06:00

My dear husband has decided we need a little get-a-way to take my mind off of what is going on and pretend for a few days like nothing is wrong in the world.

Isn't he just amazing?

Guess where we are going?

Las Vegas!

He is taking me along with my favorite little man. My MIL is also coming to help with Baby at night so at least we can have some alone time at night.

I love Las Vegas, it holds a special place in my heart since we had our honeymoon there. I have been wanting to go down for months and now we are actually going, yay! I cannot wait to stuff my face, lay by the pool, feel the sun on my skin and just relax.

As you read this we are probably on our way down.

Pictures to come.

I don't want to hate

2011-06-11T19:22:00.000-06:00

For many years I had hatred for my father however after marrying my husband I worked hard towards not having those feelings towards my father.

With all of this going on I have made sure not to allow hatred back into my heart. It has been super hard. I have prayed nonstop for the Lord's help throughout this whole process. I know that with God anything is possible. If anything at this point I feel sorry for him because the punishment that Heavenly Father has for abusers, I am sure, is worse than anything I could ever do to him. I hope and pray for his sake that he really fesses up to the things he has done and repents. We cannot hide anything from our Heavenly Father, that's a fact.

At this point I just need to worry about being a better mom to my Baby and allowing hatred in won't help me at all. I just need to learn to have love in my heart at all times. I am learning this is the only way I can be a good mami.

I want to truly be a happy person and live life to the fullest and have no regrets. How sad it must be to grow old with children who don't really like you and to be a mean bitter person. Yeah, that's not what I want for my future. I want the opposite in my life and I WILL have it.

Baby Jonas

2011-06-11T09:48:00.001-06:00

Exactly a year ago my best friends baby was born sleeping at 39 weeks. What she went thru after this I cannot even describe in words the only thing is that it's heart breaking. No one should have to go thru this.

This is something that even in our generation it is whispered about and not really talked about like it should be. There are so many people out there who have lost babies who we would never even think this has happened to them because they keep it quiet, like its a secret or something to be embarrassed about.

These babies are real babies and people need to acknowledge them as such. It breaks these mothers hearts when people do not take their lost babies into consideration.

Baby Jonas, you will never be forgotten. You have a mother who cannot wait till the day she can hold you in her arms.

A good day

2011-06-10T20:13:00.001-06:00

We have had a great day today.

Even though I am not fat or close to it I have decided I want to be healthier and more active. I have a friend who lost a bunch of weight and is looking amazing and she works out every day at her house, so I called her to see if I could come work out with her today and she said yes.

Baby and I went and got some pizza, you know to pig out after our work out, hahaha.

Hey one slice of pizza is not that bad for you, right?

Anyways so I worked out with Anne and it totally kicked my butt. She is in amazing shape. While working out Baby played with her 3 girls. He had a blast and didn't want to leave.

After that we picked up my sister who is spending the weekend with us.

Then we went over to his little girlfriends house to go for a swim and he also didn't want to leave her house either.

All in all we have had a full but fun day.

I need more days like this. I love nothing more than seeing Baby have fun and interact with other children makes me the happiest mami in the world.

I am also just loving the supportive people that have gathered around me and showed me so much love.

Quick fix....I think not

2011-06-10T09:20:00.000-06:00

My mother thinks it will only take one therapy session to make my father all better.

Yeah, I know it will probably take years.

I don't know what she thinks therapy does. Maybe she thinks it's like miracle workers. Who knows...

The other my sister tried talking to my mom about how she doesn't feel safe at home with my father there after he threaten her. My moms response was "he is going to therapy tomorrow" my sister tells her that only one session won't fix it to which my mother responds "he will be better after tomorrow". Whaaat!

Are people really that innocent? God bless my mom. That's all I can say....

Saw my bishop

2011-06-09T22:21:00.000-06:00

I went and saw my bishop yesterday. I have mix feelings about the meeting.

He clearly had never heard a story like mine cause he was left speechless, didn't even know what to say.

He told me that this is beyond what he can help me with and gave me LDS family services info for me to make an appointment with a therapist. I told him though that I really needed spiritual help because if not this will completely make me go inactive forever. He tells me I need to be coming to church every Sunday and get involved. Also tells me he will be giving me a calling.

Going to church is easier said than done when you are inactive however if he feels this will help I will be making an effort to make it to church more regularly. Now about a calling....I myself need help and am a mess, I am not so sure that getting a calling will be the best thing ever right now. I don't even think I am in the state to hold a calling. What do I do or say?

Abuse

2011-06-08T12:21:00.000-06:00

This kind of thing should not be happening.

I am beyond shocked at the amount of messages I have been getting with people telling me how my story is so similar to theirs. Breaks my heart. How is there so many parents out there who can do this?

Something needs to happen in this country and in the world to make people understand that this is not okay. Our Heavenly Father is probably sitting up there watching down crying his eyes out knowing that the precious gifts he gave to parents are being treated this way instead of being loved.

I have found and article that EVERY single parents needs to read. Whether you are LDS or any other religion. It is the only way we should be parenting. I will be printing this article and keeping it somewhere I can read it constantly.

Here is the link please take a few minutes to read this. I promise you it won't be wasted time.

My precious Baby

2011-06-08T08:13:00.000-06:00

My precious Baby, he is just simply amazing. He must know mami is going thru a hard time cause he is pulling all the stops to make me laugh.

Just the other night he put his bummy on my face and said "eat it" hahaha, where does he get this from. Then he will fart and bust out laughing. Or how about when he runs up to me for no reason throughout the day and give me a huge hug and kiss and tell me "I wow you". He totally melts my heart. I just love him to pieces.

I have been putting him down to bed ever since this happened and I am cherishing those moments with him when he is just sweet as can be. He caresses my face and my hair and tells me over and over again that he loves me and gives me nonstop kisses. It is giving that extra want to be the best mother I can possibly be to him.

He is too precious for me to be willing to lose him. I never want him to go thru what I have had to. It is just not fair for any child to have to go thru that.

I'm going to see my bishop

2011-06-07T21:32:00.000-06:00

I finally got the guts and called and made an appointment to see my bishop.

I will be meeting with him tomorrow at 6:45pm.

I don't even know what I will be saying to him, all I know is I need help and I need it now. He might be able to help me or guide me to the right person who can.

Plus I need help spiritually or this will do me in for good.

The Lord

2011-06-07T20:47:00.000-06:00

I know I need help....and NOW!

Financially we are not in the situation to get it so now I will have to call my bishop and try and get it thru my church. The thing is I have been inactive for some time so I feel like I don't deserve the help from the church.

I need to get over that feeling though cause it is not helping me. If I don't get help right now I will end up being my father.

Ever since this happened I have been on LDS.org nonstop. I am looking for articles to help me. I have looked up articles on abuse but I haven't been able to find any on physically abusing children.

I however have decided for sure that this vicious cycles ends here with me. I have been reading articles about raising your children and every single night and morning I have been praying and asking the Lord to please give me the patience I need to be a good mami to my precious baby because he does not deserve to have to deal with anything like I did. And oh my word can I just tell you that honestly God is great. I have had nothing but patience and trust me Baby has tested me like any 2 year old does.

Weird

2011-06-06T23:43:00.005-06:00

I took my mother yesterday to a job interview so we were in the car alone for about 2 hours. It was the weirdest most uncomfortable thing on the planet. There is this huge elephant in the room and she refuses to see it or talk about it.

She would either bring up random things or just not talk and I was just fine with not talking. Right now my life has come crashing down and so all I can think about or talk about is what happened but she refuses to.

I just hope that this doesn't ruin our relationship but I am starting to think that it will because I am just so hurt.

She calls me this morning wanting to know how I am doing. I let her know we are doing okay. She doesn't say anything else and then starts crying and hangs up. I cannot care about her feeling right now. Honestly my whole life I worried about her feelings but no one ever worried about mine. I am done. I sometimes think she cries to manipulate things.

It amazes me that with everything she went thru in her life after finding the gospel she did not make it first priority to make sure her children didn't go thru what she did. To me right now she is an accomplice to this monsters behavior.

My sister calls me later on and tells me that my mom thinks I am depressed. I don't even know what to think right now.

Making sense

2011-06-06T21:09:00.000-06:00

For years I worried so much about what my parents thought of me.

I would do things behind their back and make sure to cover it all up so that they could never find out cause I didn't want to disappoint them. My gosh I should have done it all in the open that way I could have embarrassed them.

I now know that when I ran away from home, more than anything I was screaming for help. I think in a way I wanted the police to take me. I even remember thinking while on the run that if the police came for me I would tell them my father beats me. Silly me, I actually thought the police would find me before my parents. Of course not. God forbid the police did because then everyone would know. The only people that knew I ran away from home were maybe 5 people and that was the parents of the girl a ran away with and my best friends parents.

Or how about me going out drinking because I couldn't handle any more what was going on at home. I didn't even start that until after I was 19 years old. I think by that point I just could no longer handle what I was going thru on a daily basis. No wonder I also had 2 jobs at that time. I would leave the house at 5:30am and would not come home until after 12:30am. I wanted nothing to do with those people.

Also me doing all the stuff I did with guys. That was me trying to find love from a man. I clearly did not have that at home. The need for me to have a man by my side at all times. Goodness it is all making sense to me.

Please parents do not touch your precious children. They are too precious to lose. Look at what this has done to me. Thank goodness I was able to find an amazing man who did not grow up watching things like this or thinking they were okay. Take care of your babies. There are better ways to discipline than beating. Beatings do not work. They just make the child afraid of the parents and it grows hatred and emotional issues.

My mother

2011-06-06T07:12:00.001-06:00

Last night while dropping my sister off my mother came out to speak to me.

She is mad at me because I want her to leave an abuser. I must be crazy or something, you know. Why would I ever want that for her, right? Gosh everything you hear about people who are in abusive relationships is true. They really don't see and won't until they are 6 feet under.

I wonder what she would have done had he killed me. She might have helped him cover it up. Who knows...

She also wanted to tell me that I need to forgive my father and stand by him and be supportive of him trying to get help. Ummmm....hell no. That's not even an option here at this point. A month ago when he tried to kill my brother and I told him he needed help, I would have stood by him and been supportive about him getting help. Right now, not so much.

I don't care about him anymore. He clearly never has about me and I have wasted years worrying about him.

I thought my mother would not stand for this type of thing. She talked so much stuff about my aunts who would stay with guys who cheated on them. Hello crazy woman, I would prefer that 100 times over my child getting beat. Call me crazy.

She is starts crying when I tell her that she is choosing an abuser over her daughter. At this point I don't even care how she feels. Since she made it very clear that she is staying with him I cannot do much about her. She probably needs as much therapy as my father.

I tell her I will be picking up Baby's toys because we will not be coming over for a long time. She tells me that with my dad getting help he will be fine soon and that we will be able to come over in a few weeks. Is she crazy? No we will not be seeing him in years! When I told her dad she started to cry and told me she cannot do this anymore and left.

My father has had these issues from the time he was a very little boy. He needs years of therapy before he will ever be okay. Or before I will feel okay with going anywhere near him let alone have a relationship with him.

I have always wanted a good relationship with my father and have tried over and over and over again to do that but he apparently never wanted that. I thought all fathers wanted a relationship with their daughters and a good one at that.

Girls out there if you have a good relationship with your father, call them and thank them for being amazing fathers. Call your mothers and thank them for marrying a great person.

I have a friend on facebook who messaged me that she grew up with the same issues but her mother at one point was brave enough to leave her father. What a lucky young woman to have a mother who realized that she didn't want that for her kids. I wish this was my story but its not.

I now need to figure out what it is that I need to do. Hopefully I can get into some therapy that will help me. I do not want to be the person who years from now blames others when she beats her children or losses her temper on them all the time. I need help now because I want to be healthy mentally for my husband and child. Its not too late for me. I know that.

Remembering

2011-06-06T02:22:00.000-06:00

***This is just mainly for me as a way of getting everything of my chest***

With this happening everything that I have bottled up inside for so many years is just coming up. This is why I cannot sleep. I just have all sorts of things racing in my mind.

So he once went out and bought a special belt to whip us with. This belt was made of leather and it was thick and wide. Whenever we had family home evenings he would bring the belt out and have it right next to him. What a sick person to do that. If we dared question anything that he has said about "gospel doctrine" we would get beat. I quickly learned not to question anything that was ever said and just keep my thought or questions to myself. My one brother however didn't get it or maybe he was so used to getting beat that he just wanted to piss him off cause every single Monday he would question my father about things he had said. I also remember getting whipped with the belt because we would do family prayer and everyone had to say a prayer, well with 6 of us in total it went on for ever so someone would always fall asleep and that would make him so mad he would take the belt out. I am remembering one time in particular while doing family home evening, he had just hit one of us, he was reading some bible verse where is says about hitting your children or something and I questioned it. Even back then I remember thinking that a loving God would not allow this type of behavior. Well he went off the handle because how dare us question him right?

Every time he would do something to any of us he would always use scriptures to make it seem okay. That to me is an evil, evil man.

I just cannot believe all this time he has made himself look like he was such a God fearing man. Yeah right, I now know the truth and God has known the truth all along.

Oh, oh wait and he always blamed that everything always goes wrong in our family because we were doing incorrect things, hahahaha.

There are so many things that now look fishy to me too. Like why is it that when he was making $6000 a month it was not enough. I am hearing things from different people that lead me to believe my father might have had other women and possibly had a child with one.

I have decided that if he ever wants to have a relationship with me the first thing he will have to do is take a lie detector test. I want the truth of everything to come out.

No matter how much money he makes it is never enough. Also why is it that he doesn't want to get a Utah phone number. He is willing to drive all the way to Idaho or Nevada to get his phone bill figured out because those are the only places that have his carrier. Just so weird....

The truth of everything will come out eventually and my mother will see who she is really married to.

My siblings

2011-06-05T21:45:00.002-06:00

I feel so bad for them.

One is probably off getting drunk which is probably not a good way to cope with this. The other two are just trying to keep their mouth shut and not say much or be seen much while at home. What kind of life is that.

I feel like my parents on purpose have made my siblings depend on them this much as a way to control them and keep them from saying anything.

All abusers do this!

How many signs do you need to see before you realize what this person is? If it talks like a duck and walks like a duck then its a duck, right?

I just hope that all my siblings go and get the help they need but I doubt it. My parents will probably not allow them to do that.

A few years ago my one brother was seeing a therapist and my father stopped allowing my brother to go. Wait and listen to the reason why cause it's pretty amazing......because the therapist was okay with a grown man masturbating. Now I believe my father was probably getting scared of what my brother would say to the therapist.

My siblings came over today to pick up some things my sister had left here and I swear it was like they were timing them because before long my mother was calling telling them they needed to leave now and go home.

I just cannot believe this is really happening!

My brother did tell me that a few years ago when we last went to Costa Rica that he told any family member that he talked to that my father was beating us and that none of them could believe it. They all said "no, David, I don't believe it". How sad, my brother was screaming out for help even 7 years ago.

That same brother hates my father so much that about 10 years ago he stopped calling him dad, he will only call him David. And a few years back he told my father that he better pray to God that he dies before my mother because if my mother dies first he would rather see him die than help him out in any way. That is so sad. My mom knew my brother said this to him and not for a second did she stop to think why he would say this. All she said was "well your brother doesn't have a heart".

How about that man you live with? If he has a heart its made out of ice.

My dear husband

2011-06-05T11:07:00.001-06:00

He rocks!

He is simply the best husband on the planet.

I have never felt more safe in my life than when I am with him. He has never judged me, said anything mean or tried to put me down.

After watching him walk into my father's home and standing up for me and letting him know that he will never lay a finger again, just made me feel so good.

I know he will do anything for me.

He has been nothing but amazing throughout all of this.

He has listened to me nonstop.

Has cried with me.

Has been by my side every single second.

I have realized today that him and Baby is all I really need in my life. If I have them both everything will be okay. They will be by my side throughout this whole process for me.

Sad thing

2011-06-04T23:56:00.000-06:00

My mother has made it very clear that she is standing by her husband thru this.

It breaks my heart because as her daughter I always hoped that my mother would choose me but she hasn't.

I know for a fact he is abusive to her maybe not physically but emotionally and verbally. I have seen it first hand. He is a controller 100%.

I asked her today why at 12 years old when he punched me for the first time did she not leave? She had family with money who would have helped her out. I told her that if my husband were to ever beat my child I would prefer to leave and prostitute myself in order to support my child then to allow my child to be beat ever again. She doesn't get it.

She basically wants to me to forgive my father, not talk about this to anyone and to go back to normal like nothing ever happened. Even as I am talking to her she tries nonstop to change the subject on me and tells me that she cannot talk about this any more.

Ummmm....

Well everything in my family has always been about appearances. What we look like from the outside. Lets just say I am pretty amazing at giving face. I should have been an actress. God forbid I ever tell my extended family anything about what really goes on here. Well....that's a little bit too late. This time around my mouth opened and opened big.

My family in Costa Rica found out this morning about all of this. I have an amazing bunch of crazy supportive family there. I wish I could just fly out there and be hugged by them all.

I am sure they will be calling my mother soon and that my mother will deny things or make it seem like I am making this bigger than it is. I will hear back what my mother says and I pray for her sake that she tells the truth cause if not I might not be able to maintain her in my life.

Working on 3 hours of sleep

2011-06-04T22:45:00.002-06:00

Last night might have been the worse night of my life.

And that is saying a lot considering I slept in the same house as my father for years.

I went to bed around 12am and I was not able to go to sleep till after 3:45am. Every time I would close my eyes I would see his face and him charging at me with his hands in such a way that I knew he was trying to kill me. Yeah not a very good thing. I also kept on shaking all night long.

I am a mess.

My appetite is completely gone and I am on the verge of tears all day long.

How do people deal with this? How did I ever deal with this growing up?

I don't even know or remember. I am able to remember the beatings but never what happened right afterwards. Did I cry? Did I lock myself in my room? Did my mom come comfort me? Who knows.

I do remember one time around 14 when he made me pull my pants down and he whipped me with the belt, after that I remember crying in my room and him yelling to me to stop crying so loud. How dare he. That day I decided I wanted to die, whats the point of living like that I figured. This was before we had the internet, thank goodness. I didn't even know how to kill myself. I tried holding my breath but that didn't work. Finally I just gave up but kept on crying. When my mother came up to see how I was I told her how I wanted to no longer live because this life was too hard, my father heard me and he mocked me and laughed at me. Yeah, pretty much sucks.

I think that a lot of times people who are abused block things out of their memories. It might be a coping mechanism. How do people ever get thru this kind of thing?

I cannot even sleep

2011-06-04T07:16:00.000-06:00

I have been in a constant state of shaking for over 36 hours. This is not right.

My left eye is swollen, I have a scratch on my forehead, my jaw hurts and yet he refuses to believe he hit me. I have pictures to prove it.

All of the physical scars will go away but not the emotional. I am a mess. In a the moment I need family more than ever I cannot count on them. My sister is just as messed up as me. She won't stop crying and told me she is petrified of my father and what he might do to her when she has to go back home. My one brother is still in shock over what happened and then my other brother who not even a month ago called me scared telling me my father was trying to kill him is putting on facebook that I am a liar and is making it seem like I am making a bigger deal than it is.

My poor baby who had to witness all of this is a mess too. Any loud noise and he starts crying and he is terribly jumpy. The second he hears me cry he runs and gives me hug and wipes my tears away and kisses me. He should have never seen that happen. That should have never happened, period.

No one knows what this feels like unless you have had this happen to you.

I read an article on lds.org last night that said that emotional, physical and sexual abuse on children all have the same emotional scars. People don't get that.

I told my mother today that what happened to me at 12 years old made me feel the same way she felt when she was sexually abused at 12. I told her both of our worlds at 12 years old came crashing down. I want her to know and understand that abuse is abuse no matter how you put it.

I hope today will be a better day if not I might start taking heavy sedatives, lol, or drinking, hahaha. Really though I don't even know how to deal with this all. I am still hoping I will wake up and realize this was all a dream.

Now I am thinking why is my father so quick to want to move back to Philly and isolate my mother? Does he have a girlfriend there? Now I am starting to think the person that I thought was my father is not who is this monster?

Things I said to my father

2011-06-04T06:03:00.000-06:00

I told him:

-he is worthless
-he is a monster
-an abuser
-a controller
-a manipulator
-is lower than trash
-has caused me more trauma than he will ever know
-I used to worship the ground he walked on
-he was my everything
-I wanted to marry someone like him until at 12 my world came crashing down
-he needed to stop making excuses and get help before he kills someone
-that he is a very disrespectful person and that's why he will never get respect from his children
-that everything he does on the outside is just for show

My poor mother is all I worry about at this point. She says he has never laid a finger on her whether I believe that or not is a different story but I know that he is emotionally abusive to her. Just the other day he called me fat and told me I needed to lose weight and then told my mom that she was a fat pig too. How dare he say something like that. This is why I have been anorexic he has caused me weight issues. He puts my mother down constantly, tells her she is nothing without him. And then makes her cook for him and serve him constantly to the point that my mother has to be home by dinner time to serve him. The sad part is my mom is making excuses for him and she truly does not see that he is abusive to her. I do not even know what to do at this point. I have told her to come to my house for a while but she won't leave him. I never thought this would be my family.

This happens to other people not me, right? I must be having a long ass nightmare.

She calls me crying nonstop. Yesterday at one of the times she was on the phone with me my father grabbed the phone and told me she couldn't talk and hung up. Yeah I still cannot believe that but if she is not willing to leave I cannot force her. All day today whenever she called me I kept on telling her that she is living with an abuser and that she can do better. Now he is threatening to move back to Philly and take my mom with him. He is totally trying to isolate her from her support system which is me. I told her I will work full time just to support her financially but that she does not deserve this kind of treatment. What else can I do? I am beyond shocked I don't even have words to explain what is going thru my head.

I will need many sessions of therapy for all the abuse and hurt I have been thru.

The funny thing is this week I started reading my scriptures and praying to God to please help me have more patience and to take the anger out of me. I think all of that was to prepare me for this.

Did this really happen?

2011-06-03T23:22:00.003-06:00

I was hoping that I would wake up today and realize that I had just had a nightmare.

I still cannot believe what happened to me yesterday.

The funny part or maybe the sad part is that I should be used to this by now, I grew up this way.

Yesterday my mother called me to her house to come help her out with what was going on with my sister.

We were basically doing an intervention on my sister who we thought was in a verbally abusive relationship. After talking to her for hours she finally saw it and decided she was going to break up with the guy. My mom was crying because she was so happy.

Then my father calls my mom outside where he was, all of a sudden I hear my mom screaming "David no, no, no, calm down" then my father storms into the living room and yells to my sister "you are calling your boyfriend right now and breaking up with him and if I catches him around this neighborhood ever again I will beat the shit out of him" by this point he is just out of control so I tell him to calm down. He tells me to mind my own effing business then he turns to my sister and tells her "if you ever talk to him again I will personally beat the shit out of you" by this point I do not even know what came over me. I laughed at him and told him "no you won't" he tells me to say it again and this time I tell him "you will not touch my effing sister".

The look on his face I will never forget, I have never seen a scarier face in my life. He launched at me with his hands in such a way I knew he wanted to choke me. I know for a fact had my sister and mom not been there, he might have killed me. He was wearing greasy gloves so you could see that he tried to choke me but missed by not too much. Then he proceeded to punch me and got me on the corner of my left eye and by my temple. By this time I managed to kick him in the gut which then cause him to trip and fall on top of my precious baby. From that moment on all I remember is me trying to grab a phone to call 911 but my mother was taking the phone out of my hand. I kept on screaming to my brother to call 911 and no one would.

I have NEVER in my life been more scared then yesterday. My sister immediately called my husband the second she was able to get the phone from my mom. We were all a mess and my husband couldn't understand.

I was beyond livid, everyone is crying by this point. I pick up my stuff and my child and try to leave. My poor sister is screaming to me to please not leave her there cause she is scared of what might happen to her. I wait for her and as we are about to walk out my mom says " come on guys don't leave until you are done crying I don't want the neighbors seeing this". I leave and my father is outside working on the car like nothing ever happened.

As I start to drive I realize I was shaking too much to drive I pull over and call my husband and let him know what happened. He immediately leaves work and comes to get me.

While waiting for my husband my sister tells me how she thought he was going to kill me. She said when he came at me to choke me she tried pushing his hands away which is probably what caused him to miss my neck. She then jumps on top of me but wasn't able to cover my face so that's when he punched me twice on my face. She said by this point she was so pissed she herself tried to choke him and pushed him along with me kicking him he went down. My poor mom was trying to push him away from all of us and in the process she got kicked on one of her ribs.

My husband finally comes and him and his sister wanted me to file charges I wanted to really bad but I just kept on thinking about my mom. I cannot do that to her. Not at this point. My husband decided he was going to go talk to my father. When we get there I figured I needed to go in cause I wanted to confront this sorry excuse of a man.

We go in and he is on the computer like nothing ever happened. What the hell? Jon got so pissed he told my dad that this was the last time he will ever touch me, my siblings or my mother cause next time he will beat the shit out of him. Then that dumb ass man says to my husband "don't talk to me that way" yeah my husband was ready to go after my father. I think God is very merciful because something came over my husband and made him realize that he was worth going to prison over. My father tried to make excuses for it but we told him there is no excuse for doing this. You never touch a child. I said many things to him. The one thing that probably hurt him the most was when I told him that the one person he hates the most who happens to be his father is the one person he has become. I thought he was going to come after me again. I was able to tell him many things that I have been wanting to tell him for years. The whole time we were at his house talking to him he denied hitting me yesterday, I am beyond shocked.

The reason I said I should be used to this is because from the time I was 12 years old I started to be physically and verbally abused on the regular. At 12 I was punched in the face by him to the point that both me and my brother who was also punched in the face had bruises for days and my mother would not let us go out and kept ices on it all the time. After that is was just constant. I remember having to pull my pants down many times for him to whip me with a belt over and over. I was told I was fat constantly, that I was so dumb for not doing better in school and on and on. As I got older I saw him lose his temper all the time. Family home evenings to me are traumatizing every single Monday someone always without a doubt would get beat with the belt. He threaten abuse more times than I can count or remember. I do remember one time I was 19 and asked for permission to go out to see fireworks and be home by 10pm and because of that he threaten to beat me, then he threw a phone at me and started to come at me so I left the house and had my boyfriend at the time come pick me up and I had to stay out all night cause I was scared for my life.

This has just been most of my life. Everyone is scared of that monster! No one will ever stand up for themselves except for me now. He has gotten away with all of this for way too long and I have had it enough. I will not sit here and watch him cause my brothers or sister and my mother anymore trauma.

He is a sorry excuse for a human being. He needs mental help but he refuses to get it. I am giving him till next week to go talk to his bishop before I call him. He should not have a temple recommend or a calling.

All along my family has painted this perfect little family and everything is hush hush, don't tell anyone anything or else, this is no ones business but our families. My mom is so worried about what people are going to think.

Well her little perfect world came crushing down yesterday. I am done with the hush hush. I want the world to know what type of dysfunctional home I grew up in. I want the world to know that the person I call my father is an abuser. He puts my husband and I down all the time because we are not active in the church right now. Well hello! It sure didn't help him. He goes to the temple on the regular, he has a calling, he goes to church every Sunday, he reads his scriptures and does family prayer every night and guess what he is still an evil human being. So he can kiss my ass because none of that will help you be a better person obviously.

He took it to himself to ruin this family. I was willing to forgive him for the past stuff but at this point I am beyond forgiving him. He will be out of my life for a very long time. I cannot afford to have him in my life or my child's life.

Problems

2011-05-31T23:47:00.002-06:00

I am once more having some issues with the in-laws.

I am sure they don't even know because this time around I haven't said anything. Only to my husband.

I am still pissed about no one calling/texting/emailing for Baby's birthday.

And now to add to my thinking that Jon's family doesn't really care about Baby is the fact that we have asked his mom multiple times to come and visit Baby during the week and she hasn't.

What threw me over the edge was....

Baby one day started crying that he wanted to see mom-mom. I didn't even know what to say because before this Jon had asked her twice to come visit Baby and nothing. Well a few days later on a day that she is up here by our house cause she had work till 3pm Jon calls her and tells her how Baby had been crying for her to come see him. We were both thinking that hearing that would make her want to come see him even if its for 2 hours. Well her answer to that was "how sweet, ok I gotta go" ummmm....what in the world. Really? I flipped!

Now it has been over a month from the time that Jon asked his mom to come spend some time with her grandbaby and still we have not seen her.

I think I get so upset with Jon because I feel like he defends his family all the time. He tells me that I need to understand that his mom doesn't feel comfortable here at my home. Please! Excuses, excuses is all I hear. I am so sick and tired of hearing them.

Just come see you precious grandbaby!

Is that too much to ask of a grandparent? Cause I didn't think.

Everytime they have seen him has been because we have made the effort to go down to SLC to have them see him not once have they made an effort to come here to see him.

Patience

2011-05-28T23:43:00.000-06:00

I am really working hard on my patience.

I just really don't have very much patience when it comes to anything.

Not a good thing when you are a mother.

Well I decided I need the Lord's help with this cause me doing it on my own is not working out.

I started waking up before Baby and am reading my scriptures and then doing a prayer asking for help throughout the day with patience.

Its funny how amazed I am every single time that prayer works and I get answers.

I have never had so much patience in my life.

I feel like a way better mother.

Dinosaur Park

2011-05-26T23:01:00.000-06:00

We took Baby to a Dinosaur park the other day since he LOVES dinosaurs. We thought this was going to be a hit for sure.

Yeah, not so much.

He was mortified.

I didn't know that they had dinosaur noises throughout the park and it scared him. Poor thing, I really thought he was excited when we told him about it. We were there for a while and as long as we weren't near the area where the noises were he was fine. He really liked the playground they had.

He did get his first skinned knee. The sad part was that he fell on the same spot twice. He is such a little trooper though and barely cried.

Mama Bear

2011-05-16T23:30:00.000-06:00

I took Baby to the playground they have at the mall.

Yeah, that was my first mistake!

Never again...

The second I get there I notice there is a 5-6 year old beating up on all the children.

I know I probably should have left then but that would have been complete melt down which I was not ready for.

Baby plays for a while with no problems, he holds his own.

Then Baby goes down the slide and the bully doesn't wait till Baby is done and he goes down and while going down kicks Baby but I told myself it was an accident. After all it did take Baby a while to get up.

But then Baby goes up the stairs to get on the slide and as he gets to the top this bully grabbed him by the hand and threw him down the stairs.

Oh HELL no!

I lost it, completely!

I ran and grabbed this boy buy the arm and told him what he did was wrong and that I saw him beating up my child and other children and that he needed to stop or leave the ground. Then I asked him who his mom was and of course he didn't tell me.

All the parents around me who saw this happen were scared, I am not even lying.

I was so shocked though that this little boy's mom did not come over and correct him or do anything at least apologize for him. What in the world...

Later on the little boy made a little girl bleed after he kicked her in the mouth and he just walked away and then the mom run out and did nothing. Didn't say sorry, didn't even talk to the child. I was so mad. I could not believe the nerve on some people.